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Original poster

Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Squabblesallaround · 22/08/2016 03:26

This has to be the best thread I've ever read! Literally howling here

Mine are boring in comparison. I had one who thanked me profusely and cried after dtd to the point he once made himself sick

One who cried 'jackpot mr X'

One for having 15 identical blue check shirts

One because I had a dream he was a weirdo and was chasing me around kings cross station. The dream was so vivid and I woke up still feeling scared so I text him it was over. Poor bloke, he was actually really nice and clearly me that was the weirdo!

MotherOfROC · 22/08/2016 03:32

Micro penis he was extremely nice and thoughful man except I was getting nothing from it and used to tell him to quit and use his hand or mouth !!! However the final decision came when he was at work on nights and I went to watch a video and it was him and his ex in a Disney film case . I was 19 and this scarred me for life .

However DH frequently hits me round the head with his penis !!!

newtscamander · 22/08/2016 04:18

I think I can top all of the weird things shouted during vinegar stokes...

One bloke yelled out Heil Hitler!!! SO loudly, in my parents house.

He was rolling with laughter whilst I clung to the duvet in shock. I'm Jewish, so he thought it would be hilarious... I definitely didn't find it so funny.

Couldn't look my parents in the eye for months!!

MrsSippy · 22/08/2016 04:26

oh newts, I've just woke the dog up laughing at that!!

mine are really boring by comparison

1 - only dtd while listening to Dolly Parton, whilst I respect the lady's talents it's hardly Barry White

2 - guy who chewed Juicy Fruit gum, about 5 sticks at a time so this huge ball of evil gunk was rolling round his chops ALL THE FUCKING TIME

3 - guy with dead straight pubes, sorry no!!

4 - the charmer who pissed up the lampost outside my house while he was waiting for me

Shadow1986 · 22/08/2016 05:08

Love this thread!

Ended it with one guy as when we had sex for the first time, as soon as he attempted to 'enter' he then threw himself down on me like a dead weight for what seemed like ages. I asked what was going on as I was struggling to breath, he got up and said sorry I can't get hard...but I had already spotted the filled condom. So he had come before we even started, poor bloke. And then it was really awkward because I had to pretend I didn't know what had actually happened.

Another I had been dating for a month or so and we dtd for the first time. We just didn't click in the bedroom at all, it was painfully boring - I was planning on getting out of there pretty quick after, but he told me he wanted to hold me all night now I was finally his girlfriend...hang on, girlfriend?

Was casually texting a guy with some half hearted plans of meeting up at some point - I had not long come out of a relationship and wasn't ready to date just yet as I had explained but he persisted. He then started turning up at my work at closing to walk me to my car. Awkward.

A guy who regularly came into my workplace kept asking me out but I kept saying no as I was just out of a relationship, then one day he randomly asked me to hold his car keys while he went to the toilet - Ferrari keys. He was trying to impress me with his car. Embarrassing.

And another guy who asked me out and I had turned down, got hold of my number and started sending me texts like 'what's your address. I'm picking you up at 10 Sunday and taking you shopping. I'm not taking no for an answer. I want to spoil you' - oh yes of course I'll just let some stranger take me shopping and buy me things, wouldn't make me feel like too much of a hooker!

I will probably think of more!

ChippyDucks · 22/08/2016 05:42

This thread is just brilliant

Right, I've a shite memory but a couple that I remember:

I was kind of seeing a fella who was a couple of years younger than me but the decider was that he was so thin
I was pretty small myself then, size 8, but he was so skinny it was like cuddling a little boy. And I think he might have wanked over my when I was asleep.

Another I dumped because he couldn't chop an onion.

Another guy dripped on me during sex. He was sweating so profusely, I was swimming in his sweat. He also had a really unusual shaped penis that was so wide at the tip. It was so bloody uncomfortable especially as he liked to pull out completely with every thrust then barge his way back in, it was just sore and not at all enjoyable.

Destinysdaughter · 22/08/2016 06:09

Cos he bought Chardollini ( yuk ) or whatever you call it rather than Prosecco!

inaclearingstandsaboxer · 22/08/2016 06:20

I dated a guy a year after splitting up with my ex-H.

Guy was good looking, well off, great car etc. we had a few meals/ trips out and he was lovely.....

....until we got down to sex... His cock was like an acorn! I haven't ever seen anything like that (and I have seen more willy than most - ex nurse)

He is forever known as acorn man

Destinysdaughter · 22/08/2016 06:23

Another one. He had isshoos. Like he wouldn't speak to me for 2 days once when I left cake crumbs on the work surface. Got jealous if I stopped to stroke a cat in the street. Was so paranoid about germs he'd insist i put the toilet lid down before I flushed the loo. Could only have a crap in his own toilet so would never go on holiday. Thought Jade Goody 'deserved' to die. Took photos of me asleep naked....😱

KenDoddsDadsDog · 22/08/2016 06:37

Asked for 'pineapple fwitters' in a really loud posh voice in a Scouse chippy. Killed it.

SoupSpork · 22/08/2016 06:41

"I really like women with short hair as they remind me of my mother" he then went into extreme detail about how much he was attracted to me and how much like his mother I was I went on more dates with him though, I don't know why! I broke it off when he got his head fully stuck in my bedroom window trying to climb in it

BodsAuntieFlo · 22/08/2016 06:43

I have nothing to add but just wanted to say absolutely howling at pineapple fwitters That's made my morning and I NEVER laugh in the morning. This thread should go in classics.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 22/08/2016 07:01

To explain chap with cock cage - he like to deny his arousal and immediate pleasure and the denial is what turned him on. So he wore a cage to stop himself from becoming fully erect. He also had a fear of being caught wearing it/someone else seeing it and that risk obvs heightened his pleasure further.

It certainly switched his focus Solely onto me. Which was nice but sometimes you just really want a good old fashioned fuck and well, that rarely happened because he wanted to hold off his orgasm for a couple more days - yes he wore his for days at a time - I must admit when we did get to dtd in the traditional sense he could hold off his orgasm long enough.

Being the one in control of the key for it... That was fun

QueenoftheAndals · 22/08/2016 07:27

How did he manage to go about ordinary life? Surely it would've been hard to disguise the bulge of a cock cage under work trousers?

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 22/08/2016 07:45

Actually, queen they are pretty discreet and you wouldn't know just by looking at regular clothing. They do appear big but once on and with the way they are curved downwards they are mostly hidden.

Outnumbrd · 22/08/2016 07:55

Age 16, he was always blowing his nose, and always had loads of crusty bogeys stuck to the top of his shirt (I jest not) think he must have kept missing the tissue, but why did he not realise

Then very recently a lovely, lovely one, but I noticed when he was making breakfast in his boxers that his balls were hanging down one side nearly to his knees

Notwavingimdrowning · 22/08/2016 08:03

One that I remember! Very good looking and really quite lovely. When we eventually got naked to dtd would say 'just like that' every single time I touched him. Stroke his shoulder...just like that...hold his hand... Just like that ... touch his cock...just like that ... Was like shagging Tommy Cooper.
Still can't watch clips of him without thinking of this bloke !

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 08:05

outnumbrd Does he have short thighs or saggy balls? If he is lovely, lovely, is a ball tuck a possibility? Seems a pity to waste a lovely, lovely man if it is possible. Although, I suspect it is an age thing. I had an awful experience at PIL where I bumped into FIL n the middle of the night on a loo visit. His dressing gown was flapping and he had balls to his knees. I was mortified. He didn't even notice (I hope). DH is on a warning about his.

tighterthanscrooge · 22/08/2016 08:08

I had an ex who used to say 'give me big sexy kisses'
Fucking awful and made me feel slightly sick

Outnumbrd · 22/08/2016 08:10

Lulu he did have quite short thighs too! Not an age thing he's only 40 Yeh it was very, very shallow of me but it made me realise what that was slapping against my arse earlier

Outnumbrd · 22/08/2016 08:12

Ok Lulu we dated for about 2 months, if I were to get back in touch with him how long would be an acceptable time before I mention the ball tuck?

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 08:14

Outnumbrd It exists! I googled it and he could have one. I thought I had had an idea I might be able to patent but as ever someone has thought of it.

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 08:16

Did it do what it says in the advert and 'touch the toilet water' !

PinkPearls20 · 22/08/2016 08:18

Placemarking

Outnumbrd · 22/08/2016 08:21

Lulu bleugghh I expect they did! See not a shallow reason after all. Def keep that phone number for DH in case it's hereditary

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