There's a visualisation / mindfulness exercise that I was introduced to once, which might be useful for anyone who has had horrible, hurtful things said about them by others. You might want to try it if you're into that kind of thing. I'm not, typically, but I did this one with a couple of hurtful childhood things in mind, and found it quite helpful. I searched for a link to the exercise and came up empty, so I'll describe it as best I can.
Imagine yourself at the age you were when these things were said to you, at the start of a long walk. The person who said these things hands a heavy stone to you, which represents the weight of their words that you'll carry along with you. The weight is uncomfortable and the stone affects the way you carry yourself and the pace you can walk at, and it partially obscures the view of the beauty around you. The person says that the stone is yours to carry, then they leave. You carry the unweildy stone with you as you begin the walk toward your current life.
After a while, you come to a gate marked "trustworthiness". As you walk through the gate, you stop and consider the source of the sentiment represented by the weight of the stone. You consider:
- was the person who said the hurtful thing someone whose judgment, views, treatment of others, all point to being a decent and trustworthy arbiter of what has value or doesn't, what's good and what's bad, and whether you should carry this stone? Someone whose opinion you respect on all sorts of subjects, and who you can trust to have your interests at heart? If the answer is 'no', then the weight of this sentiment is not worth carrying. Why carry with you the opinion of someone whose opinions you don't value? Why follow the instruction of a person you don't trust? Put the stone down and walk through the gate, locking it behind you. Keep walking. If you've put the stone down, feel the lightness in your arms and enjoy swinging them by your side. Look around and enjoy the unobstructed view around you.
(and don't worry if you're still holding the stone).
As you keep walking, you come to a second gate, marked "knowledge". You ask yourself:
- Did the person who said this thing about you, really know you? You're not asking whether they should have known you, but did they take time (or did you even want them) to understand your thoughts and feelings about things? Ask yourself: would you accept the expert opinion of a brain surgeon as fact, if the subject at hand was not brain surgery but international law? If the person wasn't really an expert on who you are , then their opinion on the subject of you is meaningless. If you're still carrying the stone you can put it down and walk through the gate, locking it behind you. If you left the stone at the last gate but it wouldn't have made it through this one either, lock the gate so that there are now two locked gates between you and the weight of the stone.
Keep walking and come to a third gate, marked "fairness." Ask
- Was it fair for the thing that was said to be directed at you? Or was it misdirected anger, or a symptom of the other person's unwellness or unhappiness, or did you just happen to be the person who was there when someone decided to be cruel?
If what the person said wasn't fair, and if you still have the stone, put it down now and lock it behind the gate as you walk on. If you've already left the stone behind but want to lock the gate anyway, do that.
There's one final gate between you and the next moment, when you finish the exercise and open your eyes. It's marked 'usefulness'. If you're still carrying the stone, you must ask yourself if the sentiment it represents is useful enough to you in your current life to justify carrying its weight around with you. If the answer is no, now is your chance to put it down, before you walk through the final gate and lock it behind you. If you've already left your stone behind locked gates because the sentiment can't be trusted, or it was based on ignorance, or it wasn't fair, then you already know it's not useful, and you should lock the last gate on your way out.
The more you really try to visualise the walk, and the gates, and the locks, and the stone, the more authentic the 'experience' feels, and when you think again of these things that were said, you can recognise them immediately as not true, not fair, not based on knowledge of who you are, and you can 'feel' them not as a weight you have to hold now and forevermore, but something you made the choice to leave behind and walk away from. That's not to say they won't still be the things that 'stay with you' as memories, but just that you might see more clearly that they don't pass the test of being true enough, fair enough, or trustworthy enough to colour your view of yourself now. It works for me.
I know it sounds a bit hokey and I hesitated to post, but decided to in the end just in case it resonates with anyone the way it has with me. 