Mumsnet Top Trumps

[DeadAsADildo]

(Inspired by another thread-posts may be entirely fictional)

My 10y old has never had a fizzy drink in his entire life.

Everyone at a nearby school (not too nearby you understand) is committing some sort of crime, benefit fraud being the most common. Of course I wouldn't dream of reporting them. It is their basic human right to claim any money they see fit and it is none of my business whatsoever as they clearly aren't hurting anyone. My friend (well ex friend now of course, I had to cut her dead when she suggested it) wanted to report them and I clutched my pearls and fainted outright, she just couldn't see that it was none of our concern at all. In fact I've volunteered to pay 95% tax in the hope more people will claim benefits when they could quite easily live on their earnings or partners wage.

I'm planning a wedding soon and I'm inviting everyone I have come into contact with since my conception, plus their families. I couldn't possibly leave anyone out. I will of course consult each and every one of them, inviting their opinions on what sort of day me and DF should have, in fact if they have an opinion on him, they are allowed to find me a suitable replacement. I couldn't possibly have my own day, it's all about those around me. I am just turning up.

Iron?

I NEVER iron.

I wash all my clothes on a 10 degree wash, then remove them from the solar-powered machine the same nano-second as the cycle finishes.

I then simply hang them on coat hangers in the garden and Death Stare at them until the creases drop out from sheer fear.

Any stubborn creases are asked, "Do you mean to be so rude?" - that soon sorts them out.

I was so cross after my Ocado delivery substituted Fuerte avocados for Hass that I Death Stared one of my DH's work shirts into box pleats and had to wash the damn thing again.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn I hope you are not expecting any presents or money. Perhaps you could buy a gift for each person attending so as not to appear grabby or vulgar.

Already on it snore. I abhor well thought out presents. Says more about the giver than me, totally selfish of them to expect me to house their tat. I have hand carved personal gift boxes with £100 cheques to all 10 000 guests, and bought them the outfit of their choice too, including accessories and hair and makeup obvs. I also have 300 BM so no one is left out and my hen night is an hour sat in a field with some food and drink, all paid for by me so no one really has to pay anything or do any vulgar activity. In fact the female guests are getting spa days after to recover from the trauma of attending a wedding.

I order lots and lots of Boden for my girls.

I then like to photograph the packets and show Facebook what I have bought.

I order from waitrose but only buy the essentials things because that's how I make a saving.

My husband is a ceo of a company and gets to go LA a lot. I have to stay home and look after my own children with the nanny.

Have you seen how much sugar is in food, I have a table I can show you

I buy vast quantities of balloons and flying paper lanterns just so I can dispose of them responsibly. Obviously I'm campaigning to end production but in the meantime, one just does as one can. I have over 100000 signatures on my change.org petition so far but I wouldn't be so crass as to ask you all to sign it.

I also volunteer as a grammar checker for Facebook. I read all available public posts and send messages, to anyone who has made an error, with helpful tips. I know they appreciate the support because the replies are always so eloquent and use such creative curses.

I take my dog for one and a half hour walks three times a day. I mean, if you can't commit to at least that, you really shouldn't have a dog.

My parents never took me to stately homes because I grew up in one.
My kids have never had a frootshoot and my house is always immaculate because I polish 5 times a day with 100% organic cotton dusters and homemade earwax.
My children are the gifted and talented children in a school for gifted and talented children.
I invented coffee.

I also wash all my towels three times a day regardless of whether they've been used, because I like to have fresh towels.

DH and I put fresh bedding on the bed every night, because u love to go to sleep in fresh bedding, then we set our alarms an hour before we intend to wake up so that we can strip the bed, put fresh bedding on, so that we can wake up in fresh bedding. The children do the same thing.

I don't mind washing and ironing all day because I'm a SAHM and its my duty to be superwoman.

I don't ever go on Facebook I didn't even know what it was until I heard it referred to on mumsnet.

If ever I have any kind of dilemma I always phone 101 for advice just to be on the safe side

I never see my GP or A&E as I don't want to be personally responsible for breaking the NHS. I recently stitched up my own leg in order to do my bit for the NHS.

I'm so cautious of making noise for my neighbours that my children and I have a noise free house from 6pm 8am where we get ready for bed in complete silence, and communicate using a chalkboard only.

My DS 15 months was born walking and talking and learnt to read after I accidentally left a dictionary and thesaurus laying around. He's already read the complete works of Shakespeare and taught himself algebra.
I haven't weaned him yet though as breast is best til he starts uni in two weeks time.

I've never taken a photo of my children because they're not old enough to consent. If they want to have their photos taken on their 18th birthday that's up to them, but until then it's the least I can do to protect them.

Sod breast is best. Mine had bleach in a bottle. Never did them any harm so I shall be recommending it for my future grandchildren too.

This thread has had me in stitches. 😂

In stitches Quiet? Well that reminds me, personally I think stitches are a conspiracy by big pharma. When one of my family is bleeding from a deep wound we attend A&E just so that we can tell the doctors that we think they're wrong. Then we dress the wound with a bandage made of unbleached organic cotton dipped in unicorn tears, and we meditate.

Whenever anyone uses the symbol, I shudder internally. Don't they know that perpetually increasing our visual exposure to such icons propagates the myth that such items are, in some way, beneficial and desirable?

I like to sit in a darkened room with some chill-filtered rain water, just to feel better after seeing one.

I own a kiln for making my own toilet bowls, thus negating the need for a toilet brush.

this thread has made me wonder if the whole of mumsnet is infact a spoof:o

I have successfully campaigned for DS's school to change the boys' uniform to an Elsa dress. Anything else is horribly sexist, and besides DS won't be parted from his.

When I go to the supermarket I deliberately park as far away from the P and C parking spaces as possible, just to show my contempt for them, even if they are free. If I can't get my 6 month old triplets out of the car in a 2 inch gap, across the car park and in the supermarket while managing my four other pre-school children, I shouldn't really have had them in the first place.

I RTFT before commenting.

LOL! I used to attend business weekend socials with the vairry, vairry naice wife of a colleague who claimed to have never tasted brown sauce or tomato ketchup. She also stared at my finger nails in horrified fascination and drawled 'Is that what they call a french manicure?" Yes, it was - obv I was basically a footballers wife.

Sorry. I have to ask. What's Mumsnet? Is it MaterNet for ordinary people?

I'm so clever that I graduated from Uni before I even started there.

Oxford of course.

Lol at these. I love MN xx