Mumsnet Top Trumps

[DeadAsADildo]

(Inspired by another thread-posts may be entirely fictional)

My 10y old has never had a fizzy drink in his entire life.

It's going from bad to worse today. There is a report in the newspaper that our neighbor murdered her husband and stuffed his body up the inglenook chimney in their lounge. We're ruined. The house prices are going to suffer terribly. People will think that this is the kind of street where people say 'lounge'. It's very inconsiderate, I'll have to pen a letter to the editor.

We were going to maui on our holiday this year but the children couldn't bear the thought of the carbon footprint from our private jet. So instead we have decided to do some good with our money and just take the Bentley to Paris via euro tunnel. It was all the two year old's idea but the 3 month old is really looking forward to practising her third language.

Little Araminta was able to provide worked examples to all of the Millenium Prize Problems at the age of 2yrs. As neither party wanted the adverse publicity that would ensue, we've instead done a trade on a lifetime supply of Pom bears for our silence.

My 3 DS are 24, 17 and 13 and have never even noticed they have different genitals to females.

My dog is not only a rescue dog, it is a refugee.

I last had an alcoholic drink in 1996, and that was a pure moment of madness after I learned of my Double First in Fucking Everything.

I've been a size 8 since I was fourteen, about from during my two pregnancies, when to be honest I looked like I'd swallowed an olive whole.

I vomit involuntarily if I even hear the word 'leggings'.

My children write thank you cards if their great Aunt even thinks about them, and they often arrive before she's even finished the thought.

I told my husband about porn, and he simply didn't believe me, so I showed him some. He then lapsed into a coma, from which he only emerged after I sat by his bed reading to him from The Female Eunuch for a fortnight.

OMG I'm howling at these and not marking place

I only spend £1.29 on groceries a week for a family of 7, all organic Obvs
My children have done chores around the house since they were about 15 months old
The 4 year old is cleaning out the gutters now

I spend £1.50 each on my children at Christmas, and they weep with gratitude.

Last year, after they finished opening their presents, little Ptolemy looked quite bereft. I invited him to share his feelings, once he had finished processing them of course, and eventually he came to me and said, "What about the poor children at Winterval? What do they get?"

So we loaded his gifts into the Prius and I drove him to the local council estate, where he distributed his gifts among those less fortunate who only had mountains of plastic tat to play with.

It was heart-rending to see the children's wonder-filled faces as they inspected the organic artisanal trinkets Ptolemy offered them.

Sweet of them to offer them back at such velocity, too.

I'm just back from doing a Marathon. I did it in 2 hours flat. In full make up.

The woman across the road has just got her milk in. In her pjs. I think it's disgusting she can't make more of an effort. Her triplets are six weeks old now, she could at least be doing a 5k.

Yvaine You have a council estate locally ? 😮😮😮

Yvaine I'm really laughing at the last sentence in your post, so succinctly wrîtten. However all of your post is very eloquent

My dd is a top adviser to Stephen Hawkins. Stephe, (as we like to call him) often asks dd for advice

Livia yes, I thought it vital that my children stay grounded, and not live in a bubble.

When they are 21 I will offer them a key to the electric gates.

The electric gates are solar powered, I hasten to add.

And recycled.

Yvaine Oh that's a relief - I have been sobbing (into my recycling water butt obviously) worrying about your poor children...

Also I'm howling at My dog is not only a rescue dog, it is a refugee. 😂😂😂😂

Thank you for your concern, Livia.

The children are working on thank you cards to send to you as I type.

I hope you like haiku.

Not iambic pentameter? ^^

I don't think that's much to laugh at, Livia.

She gets very distressed when we take her to our gite for summer, and sometimes she's so traumatised she only wants three hours of walking a day instead of the recommended four plus swim.

Oh poor thing - I feel awful now 😮😮

I'm sending you some organic hand woven dog treats by way of an abject apology...

We decided against iambic pentameter for now, as it's so redolent of the traditional white male English canon.

We're raising citizens of the world, you know

Oh good! That will give Germaine (the dog) a chance to practice her writing!

Out with the thank you notelets!

these are brilliant!

My 5yo does not want to go to McDonalds, not so much because there is no Paleo option on the menu, but more because the Happy Meal toys are not wooden

This made me howl. This post sums it all up for me.

We're enjoying this thread very much. Though we'd enjoy it even more if it were homemade and its party invitations to the WHOLE class were all gender neutral. Still. You can't have it all...

We're going to move this to Classics in a moment.