Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

We need a MN Guide to Wedding Etiquette for the 21st Century.

Better still, don't go to the wedding even.

Wow £100, is very generous for anyone especially an ex collegue. At my work we do a collection, which might not total £100 from everyone. Regardless of the ammount, that is so ungreatful! We were as greatful for little things like tea towels as we were for large gifts!

I've only skimmed so might have missed but there appears to be absolutely no-one who thinks that grabby bride is in any way reasonable or that the OP's gift was anything other than generous?

Which is not surprising really except there is usually at least one person who pipes up with some crap such as'well you're supposed to cover your plate at least and it sounds like a very swish do so £100 is a bit tight' .

And it sounds like most of the cost was paid by his parents anyway? I wonder how much they received if it was a big wedding and £100 was considered insufficent?

Grabby bride would have probably exploded with rage if I had been a guest at her wedding because my standard gift for an aquaintance like that would probably be a nice bottle of sparkling wine (probably Chapel Down English sparkling which is much nicer than similarly priced champagnes and usually £20 in Waitrose).

Even close family and friends are 'only' given a gift card of £30-50 because I move in circles that are mostly quite low budget so there is never lots of money to throw around.

I would send her an email, saying "I ONLY put in £100 at the wedding as a token as I didn't want to embarrass the other guests if I put a large amount in. The plan was always to surprise you in a one to one situation with £1000 gift as I was so flattered to be asked to your wedding. Guess that won't be happening as I'm so upset by your cruel e.mail. Quite devastated really as I thought you were a good friend, but since I already had planned on giving the money away, I'm sure the local animal sanctuary will be delighted."

Hang on, hang on, I am so confused: the wedding is today?! And you are still going??

Btw, have you thought about cancelling that cheque?

Just received an invitation in the post to my nephew's wedding where there will be "a wishing well for cash donations." Better start saving if £100 is deemed a paltry amount!!

Or maybe I will just decline the invitation as once we have organised childcare for 3, booked a hotel room in sodding central London FFS and bought something halfway decent to wear, there's going to be limited funds available for any cash donations.

A wishing well makes me think of coins.

PovertyPain - that is genius!

Oh yes - wishing wells are for old 2p coins, aren't they! Or you could just write a wish on a piece of paper and drop that in...

Hang on, hang on, I am so confused: the wedding is today?

No the wedding isn't today. the wedding is past.

The OP posted 'Anyway I'm seeing some folk over the weekend who were also at the wedding'

I've read the whole thread with my mouth open. Some people really are staggeringly rude.

Ah. Of course, she did say that

I think I need another cup of tea. Ignore me
Thanks for putting me right.

Of course a wishing well is for coins!! I will collect 1p and 2p pieces from now until August and tip the whole lot in the well at the wedding. My nephew and his wife to be will be DELIGHTED and other guests will be gutted that they didn't have the same idea..

DP is also gobsmacked and thinks OP should out this person. I said she is probably too polite, and the bride rather too stupid to care. Your gift was very generous by any standard, OP.

Are you sure Doreen?

Did I manage to introduce further confusion with my obvious joking post about not going to the wedding?

Yes, you did, Lweji - stop preying on the weak of mind me

FWIW, I thought you were joking too.

And I fell for one earlier on today.

Holy mother of God.
I have heard it all now.
OP - i don't even know where to start, but you have every right to be seriously outraged.

Wow. Your response was perfect op

You've got to show everyone you know that email- I'm stunned anyone could be so rude!!

Cancel the cheque. Ungrateful and cheeky.

I said cancel the cheque on Page 1 and you still haven't done it? Honestly, OP