Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

Im not quite sure because it's really unclear but have you cancelled the cheque?

What about cancelling the cheque?

How does one go about cancelling a cheque anyway?

I think one has to call the bank and tell them that you wish to cancel it, not sure though cos I've never had to do it.

You have to pay a fee when you instruct the bank to stop payment. It can't be done after it's been cashed.

THE CHEQUE HAS BEEN CASHED.

Yes. People are saying it for shits and giggles. SHITS AND GIGGLES.

Where are the DM journalists when you need them?

But, has anyone ventured into forbidden land and chequed?

Not all, Doreen. YSRTFT

OP - this is why when I've inherited a fair chunk of money in the past I always ensure that only certain people hear about it...

I recall a few years ago I'd inherited well again and I've got 3 half siblings from my dad's third marriage (dad since died) which ended when I was in my late teens. Anyway come their birthdays (milestone ones like 18th etc) I got them nice jewellery, a lovely gold St Christopher's pendant from a good jewellers for my half brother (they're Christians) and something else I think signet ring for him for 21st and for half sisters nice jewellery with birthstone on it, amethyst is hers I think.... It's dark red but not Ruby and is January/February. Anyway I got a comment off my half sister about "was I getting her the matching earrings to go with the birthstone pendant as then they'd match?" (It was said in a cheeky "ha ha" way), I was so flabbergasted I think I dodged the question and didn't reply. I did give her the name and details of the jeweller in case her mum wanted to buy them for her. This sister has since married very well (her DH's parents own a family business which makes a lot of money, she's now a SAHM who goes to the gym most of the day (not kidding!) but apparently her house is mostly designer (eg Ralph Lauren, Chanel etc) accessories etc, we did speak but then (we fell out, years ago, never resolved then tried to resolve but it's hard) - anyway now I see where her real values lie I avoid her (and so does my real brother!).

But I think they guessed re our inheritance (the first big one) which went to me and my brother and I'm not sure whether my brother told them about it but I deliberately never did. Friends who knew strangely enough were always pleased for us, so if I chose to treat them etc it was off my own back and with no pressure. We'd have been appalled all round as mates if someone sponged off us or asked outright!

In your case the cheque has been cashed but you can shame the bride (and i think I would) by mentioning their staggering greed. And avoid avoid avoid in future!

No Doreen not everyone is.

The giggles I can cope with...just!

Lweji, the vast majority of recent suggestions to stop the cheque are for shits and giggles.

Send her an invoice for the time spent on your attendance at the wedding - £25/hour.....?? Immediate payment, please.

A busy person like me doesn't have time to read the whole thread, but the answer's crystal clear... Cancel the cheque! Obvs.

What??? What?????

Lweji, the vast majority of recent suggestions to stop the cheque are for shits and giggles.
And?
There's also the minority.

Of course I would say something to friends! It's not about giving her "headspace" at all, people get away with all sorts of outrageous behaviour be star others "don't want to rock the boat" type thing.

I still can't believe "in view of your own position"!

Reminds me slightly of when my mum inherited a hefty chunk of cash and family heirlooms from her uncle. Her dad (his brother) inherited a good chunk of cash too but not the heirlooms in case he flogged them and her dad also expected to be left the uncle's charming Cornish cottage. The brothers had never had a good relationship as adults, rarely kept in touch apart from the odd letter but my mum was favourite niece (this uncle and his wife having no kids wanted to adopt her as she was an only child) and she wrote to him, visited him, even when he was dying of cancer and he came to stay with us as a family when we were kids. My mum didn't expect an inheritance at all (which inlcuded a large trust fund for us kids) so it was a shock to her.

I'll never forget soon after the inheritance by mum she invited all the family including 2 half sisters and their partners/husbands and their dad (mum shared same dad) etc over for a huge family lunch using the family China and silver etc. the eyes were out on stalks but everyone was on their best behaviour and I got lavish gifts from the aunts/uncles that birthday and Christmas. Turns out they expected a cut of the spoils from my mum (who was poor due to a divorce hence this inheritance in first place) and we got turned on after that and accused... Of not helping the family out etc. (Yes really) by one half sister and her husband - the other I don't think was that bothered or not to ask.

The Cornish cottage was bought by close family friends of the uncle whom he'd wanted to have it anyway and he was in love (infatuation no OW situation) with the wife, but they took him on holiday when he was younger and widowed anyway.

So yes positions due to inheritance bloody awful and cause the most awful rows!

But, Lweji, for instance, your post at 8.31was addressed to someone who was clearly taking the piss.

Your response was very dignified OP, especially as the couple must realise that having an inheritance means that you've lost a close relative or friend. Making out that you're in a fortunate position, and therefore ought to be sharing your 'luck', takes her message from grabby to stunningly crass and heartless.

Right OP, if we don't get an update soon, I shall just have to channel my energies into writing another poem. And that's a threat promise.

And did you ever think you might just cancel the cheque? It's probably the first thing I'd have done.

Could you reply:

The cheque was intended as a gift.

I did not receive an email from the venue about prices for guests. You may want to check with them that it was correctly sent as I suspect we were not alone in being totally unaware it was a pay party.

I inherited a house and some land after my uncle (who I was very close to) passed away. My DH mentioned this at work one day and someone piped up 'that was lucky'.

He did explain afterwards that he hadn't meant my uncle passing away was lucky!

Wow, just wow! The standard for friends we have all been giving each other for weddings is £40. None of us are getting married for the gifts. That tells me quite a lot about their relationship!

We had a few guests not give us anything at all (our best man being one lol) but you know, that's their prerogative! I will never bring it up with them or demand more as they probably spent money on outfits, travel, hotels etc for our big day.

It's a wedding for christ's sake where you most likely spend a lot of money, not some sort of exchange where you make money from it! Greedy cows.

Quickly looking in ... will read updates later, thanks again to everyone who's replied, and am off for the (now lunchtime) event soon ... nothing further received since yesterday, though

Oh, and should I cancel the cheque while I'm out, does anyone think??!!

(Self-preserving note to anyone who's missed the irony: IT'S BEEN CASHED ALREADY)

Yes puzzled, why don't you cancel the cheque?