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Original poster

Funniest bit of childbirth

871 replies

rachelhill · 12/01/2007 15:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 20/01/2007 15:43

After ds1 was born I was bleeding quite a lot and the mw was trying to take a look - aided by an anglepoise lamp with a floppy spring - so it kept dropping down.
dh lent a hand - holding lamp pointing at my fanjo.
Then suddenly 2 great big blobs of blood came flying out across the room - whizzed past both of them and splatted on the wall like something out of the Fast Show.
I can remember thinking... 'That would be really funny if it wasn't my blood...'
Luckily I lived to tell the tale

Original poster
rachelhill · 20/01/2007 20:25

Oh ladies you have done me proud! I'm so glad I started this thread! Thank you all for cheering me up!

I do hope this is helping you first timers out there. Honestly, it helps to laugh. Perhaps you could have your partners read this to you at the hospital?

Rachel

OP posts:
bandstand · 21/01/2007 20:15

After my caesarian another mum was talking about having the injection in your bum i didnt? well i had but i knew nothing of it

Being stiched up after my dd3, that's when i really need the gas and air. the doctor was teaching the midwife how to do this. Oh, do you use blanket stich she said? no, not there, said he, ouch, said me

Elasticwoman · 21/01/2007 20:33

When I was in labour with dd1, the midwife said "this is going very well, do you mind if we video you?"

I'd like to be able to say my answer was unprintable but in fact it was just a loud emphatic "NO!"

JoAndTheBoys · 21/01/2007 20:36

Have been reading these stories and pmsl, especially BellaWilliams post further down;

"Yes, the smell was me, having shat the bed."

OMG tears were pouring down my face at your story Bella, I couldn't tell dh for laughing so much!

My laughter eased off somewhat when I said to dh, 'haha, these stories are so funny! And I didn't say anything mad when I was on the g&h did I?!'

Silence and smirk from dh.

Me; 'What? What!'

dh; Well, it was quite funny when you said to me near the end "You've done this to me, you and your big d*ck..."

Me;

Apparently the midwife just carried on writing her notes with her back to us!

Dh walked round with his chest puffed out for a while after!

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 21/01/2007 23:19

My midwife suggested I just suck on the gas and air when I was having a contraction! I was only 3 cms dilated!! That was my second tank!!

blobsmummy · 22/01/2007 16:15

I am laughing soooooooooooooooooo much! Nothing funny happened when DD was born as it all went a bit wrong, but agree that G&A is the most fantastic thing EVER! Maybe I'll do it again just for that ...

gscrym · 22/01/2007 16:24

The midwife and doctor leaving the room with me up in the stirrups as the colour drained from my friends face on the off chance I managed to heave DS out, when the end of the bed had been removed.
She looked at me as if to say 'I don't have to go down there do I?'

Darciesmum · 22/01/2007 20:19

the funniest bit for me was when i pushed my waters out, (as they didn't break) was seeing my sisters face as she walked round to the other side of me legs akimbo and she looked down was hard laughing and trying to push at the same time!

missd · 24/01/2007 20:50

have pmsl at all of these. I've just had dd3, she's 7 weeks old now. She was born at home and deleivered by dh and my mum.
I knew the midwife was on the way but i also knew I had to push the baby out NOW. The most surreal moment was when my mum came into the lounge, after me screaming "This effimg babies coming out now" she turns round to dh and shouts, " Well for gods sake get her knickers off!"
Not something I ever thought I'd hear.

poppiesinaline · 24/01/2007 21:01

missd - pmsl that is so funny

clemsterdarcy · 24/01/2007 21:37

I had a pretty quick first labour -- 6h, only G&A no tearing etc. Textbook stuff.

Think I may have been in pre-labour day before but ignored it -- for some reason I just needed to listen to Jesus Christ Superstar Rock Gospel VVVVV loud and scrub glass.

In middle of one contraction I was leaning on a window sill and realised I had missed a bit the day before ... and went to get cleaning cloth. DH just thought I was a nutcase.

Once in the hospital at 9cm dilated the midwife was having a shufty and a contraction started .. she said she was going to move out of the way and I clamped her head in between my legs and wouldn't let go ... I thought she said she was going to leave and I didn't want her to! She just smiled and said, 'ok I'll stay exactly here then'. Nice view

Dofeellikedancing · 24/01/2007 22:02

Am loving this thread.

Saying to the midwife in the delivery suite during the transition stage "Can you stop this please.......I want to go home now!".

Dofeellikedancing · 24/01/2007 22:10

Oh and watching DH struggling back from the car park after delivering me to the delivery suite. My room overlooked the car park which was at the top of a hill. DH was loaded up with my hospital bag, baby bag, food supplys, stereo and birthing ball.Suddenly mid contraction I see DH lose control of the ball and it boings down the hill and he launches after it, bags in tow. PMSL so much that I puked and lost my mucous plug all at the same time.

Shivs1974 · 25/01/2007 09:24

These have really made me laugh...........
This wasn't funny at the time, but I find it hilarious now (though dh doesn't!)
For dd2, we'd decided on a home birth. I was adamant that we didn't need to call the midwife just yet (in that rational woman-in-labour type of way) and so let dh get on with putting dd1 to bed & blowing up the pool whilst I sounded like a wounded animal & hoping that the neighbours wouldn't call the RSPCA.
Suddenly things got much harder (was in transition but positively refused to believe I was). DH came to ask if he could help and I asked him to help me breathe. After a minute I asked what he was doing as in my opinion he'd done nothing (apart from get me in this state!). He said that he was breathing - didn't realise that I wanted him to count so that I could concentrate on MY breathing.....thankfully the doula arrived about a minute later!!!

clemsterdarcy · 30/01/2007 16:48

asked DH if I did anything else funny when on G&A .. he said not particularly ... but he did find it funny when MW turned OFF the tank supply and didn't tell me and I thought the gulps of plain ol' room air were magic

oh ... and he was in charge of the tens machine and only JUST confessed (dd is 17 weeks) that he never revved it beyond first level (there were 5) cos he couldnt figure out how to ...

Charlene1 · 30/01/2007 21:20

In transition, DP was telling jokes and saying "you ok love?" repeatedly, so I turned my head slowly, Exorcist style, and did my best evil glare/gritted teeth/"posh voice ending in demonic threat" - I said "actually, I wish you'd all just SHUT THE F*K UP so I can concentrate on pushing!". He also pinched the hand grips that they give you to push yourself up on the bed with and pretended he was plastering the wall with them, with his a*e hanging out builder style - just as the mw's/doctors walked in the room. We have pictures of this which I have threatened to show round.
Also sat there with epidural reading a magazine and mw said "god, that was a huge contraction showing on the machine then, y'alright love?" I just looked at her and said "what contraction??" Thought she was mad as I didn't feel a thing - until it wore off of course...

boocha · 31/01/2007 10:31

After delivering ds1 by cs the mws took him away to weigh him and all I remember is a mw shouting "Shit a brick, he's 11lb 11oz"
Dh says, (though I cant remember!)I was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Gursky · 01/02/2007 20:26

This is my first post - so I thought I'd start with something funny, rather than sharing my angst already!

As I was vomitting recently gobbled chocolate and begging for an epidural DH decided to take my mind of it by putting the little paper cup my anti-emetics had arrived in on my head and saying 'nice hat'.

Amazingly that was the only time I swore ...

huskygirl · 01/02/2007 21:42

Kicking the consultant hard round the head when he cut me for episotomy...TWICE

LowFatMilkshake · 01/02/2007 21:47

telling the disbeliveing midwife that 30 minutes after 1 pessary (sp) I was contracting every 2 minutes and lasting a minute.

Then seeing the look on the face of other women in the ward who had been there days - some with 4th or 5th PG (only my 2nd) as I waddled panted and groped my way down to the labour ward because no wheelchairs were available!

SlightlyMadScientist · 04/02/2007 08:14

MNHQ could you please put a health warning on these threads. This is a parenting forum and some of us have pelvic floors which are past their best (I think mine is past its sell by date!!!).

Am PMSL in general but this made me ROFL

ellanatal on Mon 15-Jan-07 19:58:18
I was having my waters broken to get my labour going by the consultant on call who i'd never met before - while lying legs akimbo with the consultants hand up me she said " Do you live at number 1 such and such a street - i've just bought number 2!!!"
Nearly curled up in a ball at the thought of making neighbourly chat with her having seen my overgrown lady garden!
Thankfully i seemed to have forgotten this now when i see her - hope she has too!

I wish I had something funnuy to tell...

Bouncyminky · 04/02/2007 23:01

Felt a bit down before this but have cried I was laughing so much. Should be recommended for the end of pregnancy when we are all anxious to start things off as I'm sure some of these examples would get us going!

Thank you to everyone for their stories, will let you know if I have any funnies in a few weeks once I'm on the other side...

prettymum · 04/02/2007 23:06

when i was using gas and air with dc2, it really messed with my head! i could not control what i was doing! luckily dp went out to buy some stuff and midwife went out for a while so all by mself to some music, i was dancing around the room, i wasnt too sure if i peed in my pants- luckily i had my pad on(it was my waters breaking.

i managed to go to the toilet, wasnt sure if a pooed and i looked in the mirror and starting talking to myself and pulling faces- it was scary but funny, i felt like i had smoked a lot of weed!

tiredandgrumpy · 05/02/2007 08:31

Not quite childbirth, but have to admit how proud I am to have put together the following shopping list for dh as the reality of life after childbirth crept in.

Sent him to buy me:
nipple cream
glycerin suppositories
breast pads
pile cream

Don't think I'd ever get away with it again, but am very grateful that he swallowed his pride and asked for this lot at the chemist!

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