Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

After about 20 hours of non-progressing labour, epidural and buckets of other drugs I was out of it and burbling away. The consultant came in to see me and he had scrubs on - I was going "There's blood on your hat! Look! There it is! Look! Up a bit!" etc. etc. while the poor man was trying to discuss a C-section with me.

DD1-insisting that the mw send me home as they were only BH contractions, the look on my DH face when she said I was 8cms

Telling DH, mw, my mum and the cleaner that the G&A was as good as the grass that my cousin got hold of last summer, then my mum telling me off for doing drugs, mw and DH stepping in to tell her now was NOT the time for the lecture whilst cleaner peed herself laughing.

DD1 arrives and DH saying f*ck me, it's huge, well done love (by this time had half the student mw at the hospital in there too, all in stitches)

DD2, the worst midwife ever, sat on a stool and said 'I'm so tired'. 'You're tired? I've been in labour for 4 days, f*ck off'. A new mw duly turned up.

Also DD2, my mum had disappeared for a cigarette outside, I was 7 cms, she had been gone 10 minutes, mw sent porter to get my mum (100 feet away), she came in the room as DD2 arrived, the look on her face was priceless

I had had contractions between 5-8 minutes apart for over 36 hours and the midwives at the hospital kept telling me to call for a midwife to come out (I had a homebirth) when they were 3 mins apart.

Contractions were getting quite intense but were still only 7 mins apart so I didn't think much of it. Midwife came round, checked and I was 6cms dilated.

Totally overwhelmed and ecstatic that things were finally getting somewhere and that I was going to meet my baby soon I said to her 'if you didn't have your hand stuck up me I would do a cartwheel'. Disgusting!

I also remember dancing from foot to foot through each contraction in the aisles of Sainsburys and Homebase where we went to to get out of the house. I must have looked a mess.

Someone posted this on our thread (have been pissing myself reading them) so i had to add my bit.

After being induced for 3 days with DD, they sent me home to get some rest.
As soon as I walked in the door I started having some huge contractions and couldn't get off the toilet, so had to be rushed straight back.

I told them I thought that my waters had broke, they told me they hadn't.

Anyway 8 hrs later when i was taken up to the delivery suite, was lying on the bed having some monster contractions, even though i was only 3cm.
Then all of a sudden felt all wet on the sheets.

Dh called for the MW and told her my waters had broken, she picked up the wet paper under my arse and gave it a good sniff, and said "no you just pissed yourself"

BTW My waters had broken when I was at home!

PMSL at this

After long tiring labour, ds needed some help coming out. Had an epidural, and was taken to theatre just in case it turned into section.

After a huge amount of G&A, I kept asking the mw if she knew how to use our camera? and "will dh be in scrubs? just like ER? he'll look lush in scrubs, make sure you get lots of photos of him" and generally telling everyone how gorgeous dh is

That photo is my screensaver.....

Fab thread

With DD I was in to be induced but was in labour when I arrived. After many hours they broke my waters. I couldnt stop laughing as every time a contraction came, I gushed so much water every where that we run out of pads to mop up with and had to ask for more! Later on, when needing to have oxytocin drip I asked for epi that took 3 top ups to work properly. DP was standing next to me. MW asked him to pass her something and I heard a 'thud'. I look around to see MW face like to see that DP had dropped my heavy numb leg off the edge of the bed

With DS, was in to be induced but went into labour on my own. They wanted to speed things up so broke my waters. I said I needed to go to the toilet. MW didnt believe me. I insisted, and she said okay, but the look on DP's face when she said "You'll have to go in there with her in case you need to catch"

I was in stitches when in there, because I did in fact need the toilet, and he had to endure the whole thing with me, in a tiny, and by then rather smelly cubicle, which took ages because each urge to go brought on a contraction . He was not impressed......

After non prgressive labour (24 hours) being prepared for a c-section. Exhausted and feeling mank and undignified. Legs akimbo as the nervous student midwife (bless her) has the job of 'shaving' me.. me partner announces loudly.. 'NOT MY JAFFA!' - I was completely mortified with embarassment and the poor student went bright red but the midwife just burst out laughing. (I am a ginger)

mananged to pass out on the gas and air as well. THat was weird - everything went in slow motion. Didnt last long tho and then straight back on it.. god i love that stuff

LOL @ SS!! pmsl

Labouring at home (I was set-up for pool birth there) for 3 1/2 days with OP baby, on day 3 felt I my mucus plug slapping me between the legs as I started to go upstairs to the loo, pulled it out and straightaway puked up my nice tasty toast and peanut butter, as well as shooting out my hindwaters onto the kitchen floor. The thing was huge, like a big sausage. I wish I could have seen myself. The only thing I ate from then until I gave birth the next morning was a small bowl of rice crispies and a biscuit, so you can imagine how cross I was with the hospital when Chief Big Boots MW said I wasn't allowed to eat any of the tasty food DP had bought me. I remember going on about eating guinea pigs (I'd heard a Radio4 program about how tasty they are) and thought they would be very nice at the time.

I just wanted to share that I had put together some music for labour that included songs that would make me laugh ..

I clearly remember having a contraction to "fat bottom girls" by Queen
"don't stop me now! by queen and
"I'm too sexy" by right said fred ( from compilation album!)

The did the trick I had 2 home births and the songs really did make us laugh.

I read Viz out loud to my other half before the contractions got too freq/painful... after about 5hrs I took my first hit from the gas and air just as "epidural-man" came in to start to chat/lecture me before stopping and saying "you're as high as a kite aren't you".... I made the midwife laugh in transition by saying "this is all lovely and natural and everything but give me a general and cut the bugger out".

Any sketch writers out there - such great material!!! Anybody would think birth is fun. Any way here's my contribution..

After a long (and painful) unproductive early labour (had already started on G&A) they decided to break my waters. Handsome young Dr was preparing for the after gush and holding a very large and ungainly sani pad (DH said he could have used them as shin pads), I, apparently, politely asked if he could put wheels on it as I could probably manage to skateboard home.

When gush came I told him not to worry about the wheels, I would surf home!!! I Don't remember this but DH and MW swear it's true.

lmao, fantastic thread!!

dh informs me that i was rambeling on about penguins in kilts and beyonce knowles lol

the only funny memories that really stand out to me is hearing (on radio 1) one of the djs on about thongs up to the shoulders. the other was the inability to stop thinking about jason stathams character in a film called mean machine. he played 'the monk' and i was in the birthing pool talking to dh about it, giggling and trying to do the little dance he does with my legs LOL

36hrs into my induction for dd1, I had an epidural. Stiil only 2cm dilated and knowing it was going to be some time, MW offered a pillow and a blanket to DH who had been up for as long as I had. He dozed off on the floor, while I got on with my book, relieved beyond belief that the pain had gone away. After a while I smelt a bad bottom smell coming from his direction. How embarrassing that he was farting in his sleep in front of 2 midwives! I hoped that they hadn't noticed and got on with my book. Shortly the midwife came to check me over.
"Have you had the urge to push at all?"
Me laughing. "No, I can't feel a thing! Why"
"Just that your bowels are open."

Yes, the smell was me, having shat the bed.

With dd2 we arrived with minutes to spare, having waited in the queue for the car park which was one in, one out! Got in the labour ward, me crawling on the floor. DH to receptionist. "My wife is having a baby!" "Well, you'll be in the right place then!"

During that very short labour was asked if I minded a student present. Was unable to turn around but managed to say: "only if I don't have to chat to them."

Hahahahahahaaha...

Still very fresh in my memory this one!

Ds4 was minutes old and the MW gave me the injection to help the plaecenta out.
2 MW were trying to manhandle it out of my fandango and 2nd MW said "can you do a little cough for us please"

I and say immediataly "computer says Noooo"

I wasn't even laaa-laaa with gas and air because they'd taken it off me befaore I even got to the horrific pushing bit. I was perfectly level headed, legs in stirrups, fandango hanging in tatters on the bed.....

I'm recommending that the 'Due in July' girls come to this thread - I've just read it from top to bottom and I have actually been sobbing with laughter, some of the stories are so funny. (Had to stop and properly dry my eyes as couldn't see the screen at one point!) And I'm loving the sound of that gas and air!!

Thank you so much everyone - I have had the day from hell (preceeded by the night from hell) with DD2 who is 4 months old tomorrow and this has cheered me up no end. I thought I'd add my bit.

With DD1 my mum came into the delivery suite with me and when I had to have an internal mum went to the loo in the attached bathroom and I remember DH telling me that mum had been locked int he loo for 30mins, in between contractions I laughed and said I know!

Also with DD1 I apparently said after one particularly big contraction I exclaimed 'F*CK ME!' to which the mw replied 'thats what got you here'/

With DD2 as I was contracting my DH asked if I could hold another finger as I was crushing the one I was holding! As he has now just reminded me (and keeps doing so) it was his broken finger - the finger he broke a year ago!!!!

these are brilliant , just had me and DP crying with laughter, due in three weeks with my first and looking at the funny side is helping ease the fear of it all

When dh put his head in front of mine to tell me that he could see the head, only to be put in a headlock by me until our ds was born!

I had never pushed so hard in my life. Then all the dials on the equipment went fuzzy and I started to lose my vision. I'd obviously blown the blood vessels in my eyeballs and was going blind. The prospect of never seeing my loved ones again flashed before me. Then my glasses de-misted.

The bit when the MW didn't believe I was in proper labour. I was still in ante-natal as I was induced. Then after I nagged, she checked me and I was 9.5cm. Had to get in the lift and go down to the delivery suite - LIKE, NOW! - down 3 floors, people getting in and out of the lift as I had rapid contractions and increasing urge to push. Doing the standing-up-hip-rotating dance to make myself feel better and smiling and nodding at people as they came in and out - like I was some kind of sweating gurning hospital hostess. And me in my nightie for goodness sake!

me and anaesthetist chatting about the Nordic influence on the high numbers of redheads in the North. DH gabbing to the nurse about new drugs.

Surgeon pops his head over the screen and says (a bit miffed): 'is anyone interested in this baby being born?'

Oops, second child syndrome

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