Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Ok on dd 20, first funny bit was that I had wires literally everywhere, ie clip on her head, contraction belt, epidural line, drip, blood pressure band etc. I was slightly sick on bp band and finding it hard to talk pointed to it in a jesture for them to remove it, they obviously didn't cop the sick and said "Ah now it has to stay on" until I weakly muttered about the puke. Also early in labour I mentioned I was in agony an was tol it was too early for pain relief an I said, "it's not for the labour pains, I have toothache!"

On ds 6, when I was being moved from the labour ward to delivery suite, the trainee doctor was being yelled at by the midwife to hurry up unravelling bits of wires etc and push trolley NOW as my baby wasn't going to hang around all day for her, only on arrival at suite for same midwife to ask me did I mind waiting while they fetched my ex partner who had gone for a coffee!

My funiest bit with DS#1 labour (no funny bits in the birth it's self) was I pancked about missing "sunset beach" ! And DS#2 birth was one min the pian was there and I was trying to get though that one and the next min the MW was saying "put the husband down", I kinda had him in a headlock and with my other hand I had a hand full of his hair and I remember thinking was, what does she mean? then I looked down and there was his head under my arm and his hair peacing though my fingers I only did it the once! But I hope to do it again this time round, or at least something like that, no pain no gain

How I love that gas and air - With DS1, I was trying to help my bf do a crossword puzzle and couldn't hear all the questions with me sucking down the gas as fast as I could. I only got the answer to the first question (bf - "whats a golfers average?" - me? "par.....spelt p...a....r...") before it all got too much. Shortly later I then threw up over poor bf too as she couldn't find sick bowls fast enough - mw, student mw and dh were out the room at the time! Soon got an epidural for that one, and poor bf had to run out of the room before SHE was sick at the sight of the needle!

DS2 - my mum was there this time, I got on the gas and air for a while and then said "hey, mum........this is when I'm REEEEEEEEALLY good at crossword puzzles!" Had another student mw this time too, ds2 was coming so fast I didn't have time for an epidural and she didn't have the guts to tell me - DH eventually told me and I was so ticked off I swore the place down, rolled over and gave birth on hands and knees, much to my mums absolute shock. MW's also told me I had to come off the gas and air (!) because I wasn't pushing right, but I wouldn't hand over the mouthpiece. I was biting it for grim death and they couldn't make me let go so they simply switched it off! Wasn't impressed with that either!

Quite looking forward to start off with the gas and air for next birth (due in ten days!)

I know this is an old thread but was searching for something funny on the supposed 'most depressing day of the year' (according to radio station...) and found it.
Spent over an hour pmsl laughing and figure more MNers will now have things to add...

I only got a bit of G&A when they were doing a quick pre emergency cs internal but apparantly told the mw she should get off down Notts and sell it for a pound a shot
Fist words when dd was pulled out:
dh - everything's going to be pink (we didn't know what we were having)
me - aaah - she's pooing in my open tummy (she was)

I love this thread!

in the birth pool, nearing end of first stage, i told the mw i needed a wee. she starts making arrangements to get me out of the pool, to which i say, it's ok, i've done it in the water. she looked faintly disgusted - which is very odd considering how many other bodily fluids there were in that pool!

also had to be 'reminded' i didn't need the g&a in between contractions, i disagreed

Hi Jacks - thanks so much for finding this thread! I love it. Have had to stop reading cos my sides ache from laughing.
Have got laughter tears running down my face!

The first was having a whopping bleed in the middle of the night at 25 weeks (I was pregnant with twins). Flail off to the car in a panic, trailing a bloody towel, hospital notes and deep-breathing husband (!). Scream at him to hurry up on the way to the hospital and then scream at him for going to fast around corners. Scream at him for not abandoning the car at the door ("I don't give a fck if it's towed, fcker...." - am not normally so vile!). Get up to the labour ward, by which time I'm bleeding like a drain in my white (great choice!) linen trousers and feeling an unbearable pressure in my tummy. Husband is explaining I've had "a small bleed" to the midwife at the desk, who then goes off to "find someone". I'm moaning like a stuck cow, squatting on the floor in front of a drinks machine in my white/red trousers, when the lift pings open and a bunch of visitors pop out holding flowers and waffling on about the new baby. Grind to an instant halt in front of the deranged, squatting spectacle and silence reigns until the small child in the group pipes up "What's that lady doing?". A sensible question but not one that was answered by anyone present. They blocked the labour and I chucked out the trousers but I think there's a small patch on the reception carpet that will forever be mine!!!.

Second piece of fun in an otherwise un-fun birth was the morning after my emergency (GA) c section. Wake up with two midwives bursting in the room with two tiny babies in a crip (apparently they belonged to me....) and joyfully exclaiming how it was "time to get up". Happily rip out my catheter, press on my tummy and swing my legs over the side of the bed as encouragement. I lie there, hair up on end feeling as if I've been attacked with an axe, and exclaim in my best Queen Elizabeth I voice (cold, deathly surprise) "You Are Presumably F*cking Kidding".

Oh what fun. I laugh now, but CHRIST!!!!

Kx

With DS2, my black hair scrunchie had come out of my hair and was floating around in the pool.
I spotted it and instructed DH to retrieve it. He went to do so and the MW screeched 'Noo'.
I lloked at her, bemused, hair in my eyes. 'I will get the net' she insisted 'it's a poop'
'No it isn't! DH, would you please....'
Cue DH dodging back and forth, reaching for it, then recoilng, me saying yes her saying no.
Twas my bloody scrunchie! Silly woman!

Later on, in transistion and pushing like I've never pushed before, she comes out with the classic 'PUSH dear!'
'I AM FU*CK!NG pushing!!'

Minutes later....
'HELP ME THEN! GET HIS BLOODY HEAD OUT - PULL HIM OWWWWWWWTTT!'

Few more minutes later....

'I'm dying. I am going to die, right here. I love you so much. Look after DS1 and tell my Mum I love her too....'
'Pull yourself together dear, you are not going to die, you are doing wonderfully'
'WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS!'

Luckily she was a great woman and didn't mind a jot and teased me afterwards.

With DS1 I was so serene like a water goddess or something and with DS2 I was like a sea-hag!

Am distressed to hear that it is the most depressing day of the year as it is dd's birthday today . Mind you I suppose it is not depressing for her!
Anyway, when in labour first time around I took lots of snacks with me in case I was there for hours and hours (didn't get round to eating most of it as it was quite quick) we did eat the jelly babies though and as I felt a bit sick I only had one. My dh has been going on about the one in one out principle ever since. When I had ds I had just the one again as I thought it would just be silly to have more! Hope I have twins or triplets one day maybe not!

At the moment that dd2 was ready to be born, the MW asked dh to hold my leg, when I looked up he had my leg in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. I actually had to say, "Put Down The Bloody Tea".

He also did a magnificent double take when dd2's head appeared, I think he thought we were in for a long haul, because I had pushed for 3 hours with dd1, dd2 took 2 minutes.

Oh yes, and when dd1 was born dh made an entire loaf of bread into jam sandwiches, as a "snack".

Loving the thread and feeling I really missed out not having G+A, MW didn't have time to get it out of car!

I enjoyed giving birth, can't believe its a year ago on Thursday! What was the funniest bit? trying to watch the massage for childbirth video while in labour and me going NO, have to move, can't stay here.

Or DH following me around like a bridesmaid holding the tens machine while I go to the loo, again.

Or the bit when I decided I needed to go for a walk around the block for fresh air and keeping moving to help gravity do its thing. It had snowed that morning!

2nd MW arrives and stands in our kitchen doorway looking at me in pool saying, "I recognise you, did you come to antenatal classes?" She then went out through our front door which helpfully locks itself behind you and couldn't get in until DH and MW finished having hand mangled and delivering baby respectively!

The 1st non-family, non-medical person to meet DS was friend who called to ask if I wanted to meet a few friends from work one evening next week. Wasn't phased at all when I answered door in dressing gown at 430pm, curious when I beckoned her in excitedly saying "Look at this!"
Her face at DH sat on sofa holding 4hr old!!!

Her daughters' faces that we had a paddling pool inside - and it looked like an axe murder had been committed in it!

I enjoyed it!

Oh, and the fact that waters went Tues am while I was lying in bed talking to DH getting ready for work, was only a little bit and wasn't sure so didn't tell him as he'd only "flap"
Called my Mum who helpfully said "Oh"
Drove 1.5hrs for lunch with DH grandma as didn't want to disappoint her!
Had a lovely 3course pub dinner that evening with work people who DH was supposed to be having a meeting with the next day!

Nothing funny about having dd, whole experience was hideous

Had a HB with ds. First funny was dd (then 3) waking up, wandering in to bedroom, seeing midwife and just saying 'oh, morning'.

She then wanted telly on so I finally manage to get down the stairs, make her cosy on the sofa, put tweenies on and am grip by a huge contraction. Am making grunting, 'ouch, ouch, ouch' sounds trying not to alarm her when she pipes up 'Mummy, I cant hear the telly, please be quiet' I nearly wet myself laughing!

At some stage 2nd midwife convinces the 1st midwife to check how dilated I am (1st midwife didnt really want to be there and was trying not to be 'hands on' as she had a hair appointment at 11am!) there's me leaning on bed and just as she kneels down my waters break all over the poor womans head. Dp is rolling around laughing and she says in a very not amusing tone 'Waters have broken' which set me off into hysterics too.

When 10lbs 40z DS came out and shat all over the consultant who had 5 mins previoulsy (with DS crowning and me in an ecstacy pain) had told me to 'be quiet!'

She did alopogise the next day but getting shat on was justice enough for me

This thread has really cheered me up and has brought back some mad memories of gas and air..

I was walking around the labour suite trying to help things along. Dh said dont go too far from your gas and air as there's another contraction due

Apparently I informed him well it beats walking round F&*g B&Q in the middle of winter when there are no F%^&g plants to plant in the ground

I have no idea what this rant was about - but it cheered up him and the mw

During the same labor I threw my gas and air away after each contraction .. DH dutifully picked it up each time and gave it back to me. I got more and more verbally abusive to him as I was convinced he was trying to steal it and it was mine!!!!

Great thread! really feeling like I missed out on the G&A although DH was taking secret tokes to 'cope'.

DH decided the task of timing contractions was an excellent opportunity to teach himself how to use the stopwatch on his mobile phone, leading to much "how long was that one?" "Ten minutes! No, ten seconds, no, ten minutes since the last one, oh hang on, it's still going" - only managed not to punch him as I was galloping up and down the stairs.

DH shouting "What do you want to wear?" as we awaited the ambulance, and me responding "Jeans!"

In the ambulance (in a skirt), MW pulling up said skirt and saying "for god's sake, why did you put your KNICKERS on?"

Making the ambulance stop at the fiveways junction in Herne Hill whilst I lay there in transition shouting "I need to push!" then throwing up everywhere and eventually conceding to continuing the journey.

Also had the "You look sexy in scrubs" moment.

It's all so brilliant and amazing and I can't wait to do it again!

Oh - forgot this bit until now
In labour suite - been there for a few hours, in labour 24 hours before that....
Phone calls not allowed directly but they patch them through to the room on a loud speaker.
First my sister calls to see how things are going. Me - bit inconvenient at the moment - they are breaking my waters with a big knitting needle.. (Loud whooosh) Sister hastily says goodbye.
Then my Mum calls..... Me - erm, I am having an internal at the minute. Mum - do you feel ok? Me - as ok as I can do with someone's arm up my fanjo...
Then mw came in and said I had visitors..?
dh went out and it was his parents - "we pass the maternity unit on the way back from shopping in town so thought we'd pop in and see you.." wtf??!!

lying in birthing pool having intense contraction, mw beside me, glancing over to dh - who's deep in the business section of sunday paper.

he has paid for it many times over since, bless him.

Lying in birthing pool, dh, holding onto my hand and trying to comfort me while in the middle of a major contraction - I stopped and with amazing control and clarity - looked him in the eye and said "Would you mind moving away from me, your breath honks" then went back to wailing like a banshee.

He (apparently) was a bit miffed, but has since then liked to remind me about the mw trying to fish my poo's out of the pool

My waters breaking while we were 45 minutes away from home, at my mums house with no notes, no bags, no sanitary towels, no change of clothes. We drove home with my sitting on piles and piles of towels and soaking through all of them.
Got out of car at home to change trouser before going to hospital and another great gush arrived - walked through back door to find visitors and me with soaking wet trousers on.

With dd1 Midwife asked if I'd like a cup of tea. Being high on G & A my reply was 'not unless Bruce Lee is having one'
With dd2 Midwife's very surprised 'oooohh' as she (dd2 not mw) unexpecedly flew out of me in a rush of fluids. MW was covered from head to foot.

It's a larf a minute, innit?

DH took the tens machine pads off my back without turning the machine off - the mw's face was a picture as the pads stuck to his hands while he was been zapped at full power.

Then I needed stitches which the dr had to do cos they were too deep for the mw. So I had my legs up is stirrups while I waited for him to come in, but he was delayed due to an emergency c-section. By the time he arrived my legs were numb to the knee. He was also about 4 feet tall so when he sat down he vanished from view. It took him ages to do the stiches and every so often his little malaysian head would pop up between my legs and ask if I was okay...?

Yeah - bloody marvellous actually!!