Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

During contractions had bad wind but still remebered to say 'pardon me' when the contraction had finished.

my midwife wore a wig.

the doctor was 4ft tall and looked like danny devito.

i was laughing so much (sans G&A as i am not allowed it) they got very annoyed

With DS we were watching Ant and Dec in the morning (when they still did that show with Cath Deeley) when my waters broke.
Me to DH: Oh my waters have just gone
DH jumps out of bed: Quick quick get a bucket!!

With DD: Me on knees leaning on bed really getting on with it. MW puts buzzer ready to call 2nd midwife when DD will be about to appear and she explains that to me, but me in my G&A haze thought she was going to let me push on my own and then ask me to call her when DD was there! Nearly burst out crying at the thought.
Then when DD's head was being born she asked me to do little pushes and stop breathing the g&A. Me for some reason (suspect G&A to be the reason) thought that MW asked DH had to give little pushes. What for I don't know

I'm actually quite of all these GandA stories - the only effect it has on me is it makes me very sick (and no pain relief either!)

I gave birth to ds at our local cottage hospital - I was the only person in the maternity wing, had two midwifes, birthing pool etc ... fantastic. Ds was fine. However the placenta refused to budge. Labour and birth was over in four hours - another five hours later and placenta still hadn't budged! So I had to be taken by ambulance to the city hospital (two hours drive away!) - for placenta removal (they can't pull on the placenta at the cottage hospital in case it all goes t*ts up!). Just had time for tea and toast before returning back to the little hospital for the night. Even at the time we thought it was hilarious

Loving this thread

I have been telling my DH about these and he said what about Mick Jagger and fell about laughing.
I should explain that the Maternity Unit was very busy when I was giving birth to my DD2 and the midwife told me she would keep popping in and out to check on me but as I was having my third she thought I would be ok, experienced birth giver that I was

On one occasion she popped in and said "I thought this would keep you company" and proceeded to plug in a radio and off she went.

Picture the scene I'm in mortal agony and on the radio is playing Can't get no Satisfaction by the man himself. To this day 20 odd years later I cannot abide the mans voice singing anything

Hearing one of the theatre staff as I was being stitched up after an emergency section, informing dh his trousers had fallen down.

I don't recall doing anything daft myself but I do remember wondering exactly why DP thought it important to sweep the bedroom floor before the MW got there while I was contracting and vomiting over the side of the bath........thought it was us women who were supposed to do irrational things like that!

On the principle that distraction would make early labour progess quicker and pass easier (not to mention, that I wouldn't be out the house for a fair while afterward), I spent three hours.... on the pier?

My dh humoured me going on the ski-ing simulator and the motorcycle simulator. However, he put his foot down and forbade me from going on the horse racing simulator. Looking back, perhaps it is not the brightest idea to go scrambling onto a five foot bucking plastic horse while nine months pregnant and contracting.

I had just had that drip to speed up contractions and was in agony. After four hours on the drip I finally let go of my conviction that I would do it all without pain relief (don't ask - i now have no idea why that was the plan) and asked for epidural. Contractions were coming every 90 seconds and were very strong and the young aneasthetist took ages going over the risks etc. He seemed quite nervous and I just wanted the epidural straight away. Just as he was ready to do it DH started to ask a question. Furious at yet another delay I unleashed a tirade of violent abuse at DH who it turns out shares the same first name as the aneasthetist. The doctor thought I was shouting at him. Midwife was in hysterics because she reckoned he looked terrified and no one ever shouts at doctors.

while in labour with dd i promised my midwife that if she took the pain away she could have the baby, i didnt want it anymore! i also kept insisting that i was never ever ever doing it again!

whilst in labour with ds (yeah i know so much for not doing it again!) as soon as he was out i rolled onto my back from all fours and said 'ah that feels better' the midwife asked if i wanted to see the baby and i said'maybe later' hmmmmm........

Laying in the bath for 6 hours having serious contractions coupled with REALLY bad wind. All fine until DH needed to go to the loo so the MW came in to sit with me. I apologised profusely for what was a jacuzzi birth! She thought it was hilarious - I was MORTIFIED!

Plus I told the anesthatist (sp?) that I LOVED her once the epidural kicked in.

These are all great

After having contractions all day they broke my waters

mw to dh:would you like to sit down do you need a drink of waterare you ok.
me to mw: what the f**k are you asking him if he is alright for.

Dh did have a drink and also neede to sit down he told me after it was the water been broke that did it.

Then when the doctor came to do the ventouse(sp), he started to stitch me after
me to dr: you won't hurt me will you.
dr: no just keep having the g&a
me: your f*ing hurting me now get off.

Once on the ward i was told he was the best looking dr there.

Me shouting at the midwife and dp "for god's sake don't let my bloody mother in here, she's driving me mad!" and dp and the midwife going "SSHHHH!!" 'cos she was only behind the screen and not out of the room... It's never been mentioned but if it ever is, I shall blame the gas and air.

me getting hysterical at the amount of times the midwives had to go in and out (so to speak) to try and attach a bloody clip on ds2's head. Thank god I'd got the epidural by then - it was literally open all access and they were apologising profusely and I was saying "No, help yourselves, my pleasure" as they kept trying to attach the clip...

have to say thsi thread is brilliant. can't add any of my own as both went pear shaped but lovely to read yours.

With DS2 and DD, the only music available in the delivery room was the local radio station. Coincidently both times they were playing the same 'guess the year' competition, including that top tune for labouring to, Kung Fu Fighting. I got the year wrong both times. DH got it right, but then he didn't really have anything else to concentrate on, did he? Imminent fatherhood didn't stop him from being smug.

With DS1 the bed used to wheel me away for my emergency c-section had such dodgy wheels, i said i'd walk to the theatre to save time.

funny, but not ha ha - the midwife with one hand on the baby's head (which had just been delivered) and the other on her mobile phone, saying into it, "can you get me some back up, this baby's stuck." Filled me with confidence as you can imagine!!

my midwife look like Olive Oil from Popeye the sailor, even more so after the G&A. couldnt take her serioulsy at all.

after giving birth to DS1 he was placed on my chest and i shouted,

oh mum look! hes got feet! hes got feet!

i think i meant tiny feet!

For my first, I had to have and emergency c-section and the nurses were arguing over who should come into theatre with me as their tea break was due!! After delivering at 00.30, I woke up in agony when instead of walking around the bed, the sister leant over me and hit me in the tummy with her enormous boobs!

The second was born in Germany and I having contractions in a ward with three of us in -and in typical german fashion, one lady was in for a hysterectomy (is that spelt correctly?) and the other had just had a D&C. Has anyone tried not to make any noise when having contractions?

On the way to the hospital a van takes a large chunk out of the side of our car and drives off. Me and DH get out of the car, me busy with tens machine and contractions, and a group of drunk men outside a pub say to DH "drive after him" and DH saying "I can't, my wife's having a baby!"

funny now but very annoying at the time, xp and me had split up before we knew about me being pg but i did manage to convince him to be at the birth. altho my best friend was there with me when he arrived the atmosphere was still rather strained as you can imagine.

when it got to the pushing stage, xp kept cracking jokes every time the mw told me to push, so i couldn't push for laughing too much! made the last stage go on much longer than it really needed to so didn't find it all that funny at the time, pmsl about it now!

lol at all of these!

I went into labour nine weeks early, am in a university hospital surrounded by midwives, doctor, student midwives and doctors, neonatal peadiatrician and some guy with a suit and clipboard...am high on G and A and look up after a contraction to a sea of faces and say "what, is there nothing good on telly or something?"

Just when things get really bad try to get off of the bed saying "I've had enough, I'm going home now". One of the mws gets me back on the bed and I'm pushing, then the pain gets much worse and the burning sensation starts, I'm convinced a mw has her hand up me causing the pain so say "get your effing hand out" and reach down to pull her hand away, only to be told it is my DS, who was out a few seconds later.

The look of panic on the receptionists face as DH half carries me into maternity hospital while in labour with DS2. She told me not to give birth there and I had to go the ward. I told her i wasn't bloody going anywhere! She then ran off to find a wheelchair and she and DH delivered me to the labour ward at a full run. I kept giggling as we sprinted down the corridor.

When we got to the labour ward the midwife kept asking what i wanted to do - my reply was "I don't bloody know that's why I'm here for you to tell me what to do" She then asked DH if I was pushing - poor chap had only got home 30 minutes before and had had to pack the hospital bag and phone his mum to come and look after DS1 inbetween.

DS1 made me laugh - he was glued to a kiddies programme on TV while I was kneeling on the floor shouting into the sofa and he would occasionally come across without taking his eyes off the TV screen and stroke my head.

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