Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Great thread! As I was waiting to go into theatre for an emergency section I heard that Kerry Katona was in the hospital as well. I then decided that the nurse who was waiting with me MUST be KKs mum (of course!) and started asking her how Kerry was and what it was like to have a famous daughter etc etc. She must have thought I was a right madwoman! I really convinced myself that she was

During labour, I had a particularly strong contraction and said "Oh, f*ing hell!"
MW smiled beatifically and said "Oh good, you're swearing!" DD was born an hour later.

I was lying on my side to give birth and holding my leg up, as you do. The MW clucked at DH to grab my leg and help which he did but pushed it back a bit far. I hissed at him under my breath to "get your f@cking hands off me or I'll divorce you". DH spent the remainder of my labour with his hand hovering a milimetre from my leg in case the MW thought he was disregarding her command. He also had the nerve to complain about an aching shoulder afterwards.

Oh and when DDs head was born she started crying while her body was still inside me. That was a bit freaky and the MW shouted for other people to come and see.

DD hasn't shut up since and she's seven now

The funniest part (to everyone but me at the time) was when I was taken for an emergency c section- the surgeon said to the junior "Put some nice relaxing music on for mum, she's had a lot of pain" Doctor agrees and puts radio on....10 seconds later, we are all listening to Gloria Gaynor belting out " I will survive, did you think I would just lay down and die." I vaguely remember the surgeon bleating that he couldn't work with that, whilst everyone else pissed themselves laughing.

I remembered my NCT classes half way through an incredibly tricky delivery with severe pre-eclampsia, and asked about 10 nurses, 2 consultants, and anesthetists and sundry other medical staff to turn the lights down and let me get on all fours (I had an epidural).

Being induced with DD, they had just put me on the drip after having no luck with prostin/breaking waters. I was a bit nervous as I knew this was likely to be painful. Lovely mw tells me how it works, that they turn it up every half hour e.g. start at 1ml p/h, then up to 2ml, then 4ml, then 8ml etc.

Me: It's like the torture machine in The Princess Bride.
MW: I haven't seen that, sounds horrible!
Me: Oh no, it's a kid's film.

Cue me having to explain the plot of The Princess Bride to baffled mw while in the throes of increasingly harsh contractions (labour was 55 minutes start to finish).

MW saying to me; "Just one more push and we'll have the rest of the baby" (head was out), and me saying "no, I don't want to push again. I'm happy with just the head of the baby"

or, when DD1 was born, stealing Miranda Richardson's line saying "ooh, it's a boy without a winkle! It's a miracle" (I knew DD1 was going to be a boy )

or when DD2 was born (she was huuuuuge), the surgeon taking one look at my averagely-heighted husband, and asking "is your postman tall?!" :o

or, when DS was born, thinking I was pushing really well and the baby was coming out, I really felt I could feel the baby passing through the birth canal. Then there was this almighty SPLOOSH! and my waters broke everywhere, and all in the room were paddling about in them!! :o :o

I love this thread!

Just read this whole thread from start to finish - looking forward to my own 'funny' story in about 8 weeks!

When having my first, the MW asked me if I wanted to feel the head. So I did. I remember asking her if he had a massive head, and she reassured me with 'no don't worry, he's only little (early and twins) he'll be out in a minute'.

I thought I then was thinking about how I actually meant that I only like babies with small heads.....OH assures me it wasn't just in my head though!

(and luckily, both boys born with small heads )

Great thread. A couple from me...

I am a terrible car passenger, very nervous and a bit anal about Mr Shakey going over the speed limit. En route to hospital, in labour, intense contraction, gripping onto the handle for dear life I said to dh "I know I normally don't like you driving fast but PUT.YOUR.FUCKING.FOOT.DOWN!!!"

High on G&A I was mentally dissecting the lyrics to Nirvanas Teen Spirit and came to the gleeful conclusion that I was, indeed, a genius. End Of. And laughing hysterically at my foolishness for not realising it sooner

MW telling me off for frightening the "poor woman" next door with my screaming (I had gone from 2cm- 10cm in 40 mins) and me telling her where to stick it.

Realising as I was pushing ds out the iPod we'd taken in to listen to in the room was blearing out 'sweet child of mine' by guns & roses!

Also, when pushing the midwife pushing one of my legs back whilst I was on my back, and insisting my dp do the same with my other leg. To say he was 'hands on' and had a close up view for the arrival of ds is an understatement!!!

I love this thread! It would have been good to have read it before delivery, although it may have made me too jealous as there is no G&A in Spain and it does sound great! :0

I have no recollection of this buy my DH swears that around 6 or 7 hours into labour and with no pain relief at all at that stage and after being sat on a chair strapped to a monitor for at least 2 hours I gestured to him to get closer, put my face 2 inches away from his and whispered in true Hannibal Lecter fashion "I am going to kill you"...

I think he believed as well :)

Being sent outside the hospital to walk around to speed up contractions after being induced with pessary, and bumping into my boss, the area manager and the regional manager who all stopped to ask me when I was due. My boss was female and was all excited when I answered 'now', but the two managers were 6 ft rugby types and both simultaneously turned white and stepped back in horror.

Asking the MW for g&a and being asked whether it was the pain or the fear of the pain which made me ask??! Wtf? Just give me pain relief! Turned out I was in transition? And she thought I was only about 4 cms. I demanded an epidural as MW wanted to speed things up with a drip so they went off to organise. My mum said have a wee before you get stuck in the bed on the epidural so I sat up, and 6 pushes later DD was there. No MW in the room, I put my hand down and go 'she's here, she's here', mum hits the big red button and dP goes running down the corridor yelling for help. DD delivered on next push after 6 people come crashing through the door. 5 mins later a cheery doc sticks his head in door and goes 'Epidural? Oh! Guess not then! Congratulations!'

This thread is making me feel very sad that we don't have G&A here...it sounds MARVELOUS.

When I went in to have DS, I was walking across the parking lot saying to myself "you don't have to do this again if you don't want to. This is one day. Just one day. Get it over with and never get pregnant again if it's horrible."

Then labor turned out to be much easier than I'd thought, and as the doctor was stitching up my bits I told her joyfully "I could do that again! I could!" She grinned and said something like, "please wait til I've finished here". :o

Haven't had time to read everything (even though I've been reading all night and laughing so hard!) but this thread is brilliant!

My funniest moment is definitely with DS2 - my waters had broke in the car on the way to hospital (had an bicker with DH before leaving as I wanted him to put a bin bag then a towel on the seat just in case, he didn't think it was necessary, was slightly glad to be proved right!). It was a very cold morning, even though it was April (we are in Scotland after all) and as I got out the car the combination of warm wet trousers and cold air meant my trousers started steaming! I was mortified!

During my second C-Section, "whispering" to DP "At least I won't end up with a big old baggy fanny", then hearing the theatre staff sniggering and asking "Did they hear that?" and the nurse nearest me going "Yep" and realising that my whisper was in fact probably louder than my normal speaking voice.

Me (in between pushing) "Let's just go home & adopt a Chinese baby!"

I also fell off the bed when I had t firs few puffs of gas and air and was quite content to lay on the floor - mw just gave me a pillow and left me to it!

Picture the scene. Me lying in a hospital bed in the dead of night on a completely dark ward sucking on Gas & Air, my mother falling asleep next to me and my partner sitting there grinning like a look.

DP: No, no. You're doing it wrong. Pretend you're Darth Vader!
Me: PMSL.

From then on everything was a Star Wars reference. I think at one point, when my Midwife did an examination and said she could feel a full head of hair, I made it clear I didn't want to "give birth to a Wookie on the Death Star". I also remember something about R2D2 being C3PO's "robot-jockey" and how I wish they weren't gay for one another.

Completely out of it! And I was only 4cm! I normally have quite a high pain threshold but labour slayed me!

loon~*

With DD1 I was induced and while walking round the hospital trying to get things going DH gets stung by a wasp.

Cue endless comments along the lines of 'that REALLY hurt!' from him.

Oh really?!

While waiting for my forceps delivery, leaned over to the anaesthetist and 'whispered' in the loudest voice ever, 'you know, I fucking love drugs!'

With DD2, at home in the pool, typical shouting from me of 'I'm doing a poo!', to which the me replied, 'no, you're having a baby.'

It was only a couple of seconds later that I heard her aside to the other me along the lines of, just hoik that bit of poo out quickly...

The me? The mw...

My DD is 10 but I still blush when I think of this...

I was quite naive when I was pregnant (despite being 28) and knew that the baby would come out but had no idea that so many people would be going in! I had pre-eclampsia so was in hospital quite a lot and had lots of internal exams :(
Now the midwives were NOT gentle (no foreplay or anything... fnarr) -and I developed a real phobia of internals and used to shoot out the top of the bed trying to get away.
About 4 weeks before my due date DD was in distress and my BP was through the roof so they decided to try to induce me and explained that they would break my waters but I would need an internal exam. I freaked a bit and they were lovely and said they would take me to the labour suite and I could have some gas and air to help me relax. Am sure they thought I was a big baby but were very nice.
Got to the labour suite and was put on gas and air and the doctor went about her business (I should add that there were a group of medical students in the room too as I had quite a bad case of pre-eclampsia so I think I was seen as an interesting case). The gas and air was great and duly I felt my waters break (I was surprised at how much liquid there was, again quite naive!) and I took the mask off - the room went very quiet and everyone was looking a bit uncomfortable but no- one was saying anything, am sure it was only a few seconds but it felt like ages I asked what was wrong and started crying and eventually the lovely wee doctor said...

'can you please put the mask back on dear, I do need my hand back!'

Oh the shame.....

Being asked by my MW while in full labour, just as she was about to do the episiotomy,
"Do you do a lot of horseriding?"

I've never been on a horse in my life. Apparently, my muscles 'down there' were firm and strong.

Not any more they aren't.

I had a few funny bits back in August when I had my DS, my first birth too.
I was induced so on antenatal ward

Being in the bath when they told me I was two centimetres and saying will they let me have an epidural and my mum said no. Then when I got out of bath 20mins later my mum saying 'oooo we forgot to use the tens machine lets see how it works' then her reasons leaflet....suddenly I shout 'omg get someone I need to push'
Followed by 4midwives running in saying I'm 9cm they need to get me upstairs!

Equally as funny was the look on my mums face as she is still holding tens machine and trying to gather my things and midwife shouting....'there's no time, just leave it, we've got to go! Hahaha

When actually pushing the midwife saying 'every time you stop pushing, your baby's head goes back up and me replying 'well I'm never gona get him out then!!!'

Then the midwife saying 'your baby just needs to come round the bend of your pelvis' my reply was 'is it a big bend'.

Then as soon as he is born, midwife say 'oooo you've got a tiny baby' (5lb 11oz), followed by 'for such a tiny baby, he's got ever such a big willy!' haha

Also il never forgot the look on docs face when I got to birthing room and he said 'what are you doing here?!' he had told me half hour before someone would see how I was progressing in 4-6hrs! Haha

Also said doc being present (baby was very distressed) but he actually pulled up a chair and sat at the goal end having a good look and threatening me with an emergency C-section. I didn't want C-section or my baby to me distressed so got him out myself with no screaming or pain relief. The midwives then say 'wow uv got an incredibly high pain threshold!'

Oh the joys or child birth