Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

First time = Screaming in pain in the corridor of the hospital waiting to into theatre 'I NEED A POOOOOOO'

Second time = Biting on DH thumb instead of the gas and air tube.

Second Time again = Making DH go to canteen and get me a mars bar and kit kat - i dont even like Kitkats

Me screaming in pain and squeezing the life out of DH's hand.

DH: AnnieBeansMum, stop, you're hurting me.
Me: {unintelligible grunt}
DH: Honey, really, you cannot even begin to imagine how much this hurts.
Me: Oh really?? Wanna swap places?? {snarl, growl, spit}

He shut up after that.

When I was born my mum said I wanted to come out like Superman, my arm came out first.

The MW said "Ooh, how lovely. That's the first baby I've delivered who waved at me first".

Laurielou - I was born that way too, my dm says I was always going to be a swot at school as I came out with my hand up ready to answer.

For me with dd the funniest moment was in between horrendous contractions dh saying that he had a huge ulcer and I couldn't imagine how painful it was and me telling everyone I was dancing like Stevie Wonder and I was swaying and the g&a was my microphone.

I read this thread way back when I was still pregnant (DD nearly 9 months now) and crying with laughter!

My funnies were:
DH driving over every pothole/drain/twig in the road in his (3rd ) mad dash to the hospital and me calling him all the names under the sun, except I was insulting him using Shakespearian insults....

Me out of it on G&A explaining to everyone in the room the precise way to make good meringue in great detail.

After requesting an epidural being told there would be a bit of a wait, I toasted the MW with the G&A mouthpiece and said "right you are chuck, cock on" (I am very southern so don't know where that northerness came from)

during internal exam to determine dialation MW says "ooh doctor does that look like a big bag of bulging membranes to you?" cue me laughing so hard I contract and speculum goes flying out of my vagina and hits the wall opposite with almight clang doctor goes bright red and scurries away whilst MW crumples to floor in hysterical laughter

No one told me before i had my c section that i had to take my knickers off. So i had to put them under the operating table & ask the surgeon for them back when it was done.

Oh I love it when this thread crops up again in active convos. Never fails to make me giggle.

x

DS's dad and my mother were with me for the labour. I (who had borrowed Sheila Kitzinger books from library and had planned for natural childbirth in pool) told mum and MW in between gulps of G&A, "This natural childbirth is a heap of shite!" Several times.

Just before screaming for an epidural and being told I wasn't that dilated yet (inducing took three days) I screamed for DP to, "Pray for me, DP! Pray for me!" I went from about 3cm to 10cm in half an hour. When my friends came to visit me in hospital, a beaming DP told them (very seriously), "I asked Jesus to dilate Seaturtle's cervix and he did!"

Thank you everybody for your great posts. I have enjoyed reading them so much and am wiping the tears away. Five labours myself - it brings it all back.

some of these are fab!!

ds1 was eventually delivered by emergency cs, under GA. upon waking up, i saw dp with this small bundle wrapped up in a towel. I must have sat staring at him for a good few minutes before asking what he had in his arms, he said 'its our wee boy'. 'oh is that why im here?!'
up until we went to theatre, i spent most of my labour under the influence of G&A-the most magical stuff in the world!

when i had ds2, we had been at a wedding two days previous. dp had stayed over so had unpacked my hospital bag, leaving it scattered around.cue me at 2am on the morning ds2 was born scrabbling about the room in the dark looking for everything, absolutely doubled up in pain. dp asked what i was upto, dont think i have ever seen him get out of bed so fast in all my days!

i also drove my brother around whilst in labour with dd-boy did i get into trouble for that!

I love this thread!

• DH almost fainting - not as DD is born, Oh no - but when they put the canula in my hand
• Complaining at length that I had a headache and asking for paracetemol *On G&A 'its like being at the seaside' sounded like waves and/or scuba diving to me
• Midwife 'seems to be fizzling out, we'll move you onto the ward in a minute' FM - 'I need to poo' Midwife - 'NOOOOOOO!!!! ALISHA, GET THE PAEDATRICIAN' And 10 minutes later... DD arrived. Fizzling out indeed!

Never realised I was so religious but that day I certainly prayed to God, Mary, Jesus and apparently my Mum!

DD1 - my husband having to time rushing off to the bathroom as he had had a curry the night before with my contractions
DD2 - my husband saying if the contractions monitor hadnt reached 100 then I needed to stop crying out in pain!!!!
DS - i was nil by mouth and having my 3 sisters and husband eating in front of me - i had a few choice words for them - but wouldnt have not had them there - v traumatic birth.

With first DD (waterbirth) nobody had told me about the burning sensation as everything stretches just before delivering. Suddenly my fanjo was burning and I was in the pool thing shouting to the midwives and DH "It's hot, it's burning' at which point both of them starting singing 'Ring of Fire.

They did hold my hand and stroke my hair at the same time though :)

High on gas and air, making my DH ring my best friend to ask what the girls' name was who lived next door. When we were about five. And laughing hysterically when I found out then telling every bugger who came in the room.

I got very high on gas and air and told the Midwives and DH all about the sordid affair my work college was having with her friend.

My favourite quote has to be me telling my doula after being told I was having back on back contractions,

Me: 'So it's like a BOGOF then isn't it?'

Doula: 'What do you mean?'

Me: 'Well you know buy one get one free except instead of getting an extra tube of jaffa cakes I'm getting an extra contraction'

Doula: (laughing)'Oh right then'

Me: 'I think I'd rather have the jaffa cakes to be honest with you'

Doula: 'I think we all would'

[hgrin]

Great thread! I have done no work at all this afternoon!

HOW have I never seen this thread before?!?!?! Well done whomoved :)

When I flung myself on all fours, looked through and saw two little feet descend from my fanjo. '?', I thought, 'Why am I giving birth to a chicken?' Fortunately the ambulance then arrived and my daughter was delivered by a guy who must have been 6ft 6ins with hands like shovels. If she's been a boy, she would have been named after him.

"I was in the bath on all fours at home when the baby was coming down the chute. High on gas and air I was convinced the baby was coming down the wrong tube. I stage-whispered to the midwife, "The baby is coming out of my bum. Honestly. It really is. I can feel it."
And she said, "Well we've never had that before!"
Luckily midwife was right and baby delivered down the right chute."

Giggles.

I was in early labour at home when the phone rang. It was my dentist reminding me of my appointment the next day. I apologised that I wouldn't be able to make it as I was in labour.

I obviously didn't see her face but she was clearly shocked!

Lol funny birth stories here. The dr put me in stirrups and i said no it hurts (i have a hip problem) my foot slipped and i kicked him in the head. I warned him hehe.