Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Also forgot the add, the same doc then still at goal end when I was being stitched up and saying 'oooo you might have to go to theatre' and me replying 'your determined to get me in that bloody theatre for something!

I was in the pool and laughed every time e bit of my mucus plug floated past you. I asked dh to get a net and win a prize but he wasn't playing. I also farted and the bubbles went up my back. Cue more laughing from me!

Then I got onto dry land and 10 minutes later ds2 was here. A good song was on, the drugs were rushing through my veins, I shouted out 'this is great' in between pushes and I remember the midwife saying she'd heard it all now! And who said refuse drugs? Its the best bit!!

The funniest bit to me was ringing my Grandparents house at 9am, to tell them that they had a great-grandaughter. There was complete silence and you could hear the confusion.

I had had Christmas dinner in their house the night before (we refused to go to our own parent's houses, as I was NOT staying 160 miles from my hospital on my due date). There were 2 grandparents (then 86), 5 of their 6 kids and 3 husbands/wives, and then 3 grandkids (me - with DH, and my 4 year old and 5 month old cousins - my Dad's the eldest, their dad the youngest). Including my uncle who is a priest.

Dinner was an evening event (I think we ate about 7pm) and as DD had decided to move downwards, I had room for and really really enjoyed 2 helpings of turkey, 2 helpings of pudding, and a glass of wine. We moved to the sitting room, to open the MOUNTAINS of presents at about 9pm. At which point I realised that the "oddness" I'd been feeling all day now had a name - I was having contractions.

So I sit quietly through a few pressies, walk up to the loo and back down, sit again, go put on the kettle as others want tea, stand behind my chair for a while and then sit again. DH is oblivious to all this. The 2 kids are having a ball, and 5 month old shows no signs of needing sleep. Their mum is on 1 side of me, the priest on the other. I hold out until 11.30 - when I think I can plead exhaustion. DH realises as we are saying goodbye (which takes another 20 minutes) that I am breathing a bit funny.

We essentially went home to change out of fancy Christmas clothes into rugby shirt and tracksuit, and back into hospital. My lovely dinner reappeared (boo). I mostly calmly got on with it all.

Mum and Dad, and PIL were all a bit "that's wonderful, talk to you both later, congratulations (yawn), bye now" at shortly after 6. But they had been ready for it at any time.

Grandparents were just speechless as we had "only just left them!". And how they hadn't had a clue what was going on at the time!!

Watching the whole of Singing in the Rain on the laptop we took into hospital with us whilst doing the yellow brick road walk and singing along to all the songs. Midwives faces were a picture every time they came into the room.

Midwife staring at my [ginger] pubes, going quiet for a bit then saying, 'has DH got any ginger genes'. I felt very awkward but considering how little modesty I subsequently had I laugh about this now.

Baby being brought straight onto my tummy only for her to do a huge meconium poo all over me.

Love this thread!
MW was about to start stitching me up so I wailed- 'I really want a tidy fanjooooooooooo!' (thanks MN )

I broke the g&a so it was flooding the room- MW said she was getting high, and they'd wonder where she was if she didn't reappear outside cos she was high!

I ran out of swearwords so had to resort to ordinary words- clearly remember writhing around yelling 'Pissing shitting bollocking fing cing ... DAFFODILS! Bloody... BISCUITS!'

Very earnestly informed the midwife that I thought I was going to have a 'really nice' baby and him (male midwife) laughing at me.

Interrogating the anaesthetist about what booze he liked so I could buy him a present because my epidural was AMAZING, he said he didn't drink so i stared at him, thinking furiously and asked in a really intense voice 'Do you like CHEESE?'He laughed at me.

During my C section I stared at the light fittings, one of which sort of looked a bit like Zippy and muttered over and over 'As long as Zippy's smiling it will all be alright'

I then asked DH to tell me something to distract me. He said 'I love you' and I hissed 'NO!TELL ME A STORY! NOW!' And got angry each time he dared to break eye contact.

ht

When in labour with DS the doctor was called to check my progress, as he came into the room someone said "the doctor is here to see you" my reply was "I've done a little poo for him" - it still makes me giggle that despite worrying for weeks that I might poo in labour I'd lost all dignity at that point and didn't care!

I have loved reading this thread!

After my 30 hour labour, I had am emcs, and my DH was hanging round the screen watching the whole thing! When he then was handed DS, the mw told him to sit down in case he fainted - must be a "rule".

I was laughing hysterically after being sick on the mw who didn't believe I was going to vomit as they were cutting me open. DH was mortified that I was laughing at her!

All in all it wasnt that funny a birth, at least from my point of view! Gas and air was like being drunk without a hangover although I didn't really speak other than to say I wasn't having any more babies ever in between each contraction!

The most brilliant thread ...when DS3 was being born, the midwife had asked DH to support me squatting. Just at the moment of delivery he remarked 'this looks a bit like those books from the 70s doesn't it? Only with fewer beards' It was just the light relief I needed (midwives didn't laugh though!!!)

Just had to add this one from my labour, monday afternoon...

DH: is that more waters?
Midwife: er...no, she's just weed on me actually...
DH: OH! wantanorange do you want me to help you to the loo?
Midwife: I think she's too out of it to give a shit really....

On gas and air I was convinced there was a whole bunch of reindeer in the room and kept saying to my husband he had to tell me what was going on and the reindeer couldn't talk properly!

This thread is amazing. I have read the whole thing.

I had my first on the 14th Sept 12. I was induced.

Had waters broken at 11.40, drip started at 12.40. Oh was sent out for lunch as it would take a while to get sorted. Started on g and a after 3, and I remember whispering to my boyfriend that I needed water, was afraid of being too loud so kept a really hushed voice. About 4ish I begged for diamorphine, but I couldn't remember what it was called so kept asking my boyfriend what's that other drug called I want, got angry when he couldn't tell me.

Mw went to get a doc to sign it off and my monitoring machine went mad, was beeping flat out (in my head it was a dance tune) was in so much pain I got my boyfriend to ring for mw, 2 came rushing in and a doctor, I'm wriggling about on bed in agony gas and air tube clenched between my teeth, when I seem doc I took it out and had a full conversation about how I knew him and did he no me. My boyfriend said it got very awkward then.
Doc had to take blood from baby's head, took bottom of bed off and had my feet in stirrups, I remember my left foot kept sliding down and mw shouting at my boyfriend to hold it steady as doc doesn't need my foot in his face :)

Was very high and kept having conversations in my head and then randomly talking about them as if they were real my boyfriend was clueless.

Birth of DS1 in August of this year. I was in the pool and starting to push;

Me: I'm having a big poo
Midwife: I think you'll find that's your baby......

I gave birth on Monday. While being stitched up, the consultant said something about having a while off work now. I will be doing, but I also do private tuition and stuff, and mentioned that I'd be returning to that much sooner.

'I tutor x [consultant's colleague's son], actually,' I wittered, high on happy hormones and a shitload of gas and air
'Oh, that's you is it?' he replied, at which it occurred to me how undignified exposed my situation was

Anyway, he explained that he'd been hoping I would tutor his daughter, but his colleague had told him I was heavily pregnant for a while. However, he'd be in touch when I got back to it in January.

It was so wrong, but very funny, to find myself drumming up business while the consultant has his head down the - er - business end .

After being in labour for about 30 hours and only being 6-7 cm dilated, childbirth did not seem amusing in the slightest - then I had an epidural and was given a hormone drip to speed things up. Numb was good.

Six hours later, the doctor said I still wasn't fully dilated as there was still a bit of cervix there and I was prepped for a CS and taken to the theatre. When we got there they examined me again and said cervix had eventually fully dilated and they were going to attempt forceps instead.

It was then totally surreal as a roomful of about ten people introduced themselves to me from the floor space approximately between my legs which were by that point entirely numb and open to the world in stirrups. 'Hi, I'm George and I'm the xx', 'I'm Caroline and the consultant...' etc. Dignity totally out the window - nod and smile....

Then after the baby was born, another older man who looked quite like my dad, put each of his arms around my (still spreadeagled) thighs and towed me forwards down the operating table to the edge - for the doctor to stitch me up sitting on a stool. If I hadn't laughed, I think I might have cried!

Then when gingerly feeling the car crash that was my nether regions after all of that - telling my DH that my a**ehole felt like a car tyre

For me it had to be my grand entrance with DS1. We were going along the A46 until just before the turning we heard the fwap fwap sound of a puncture. So we drive VERY slowly to the hospital where it turns out I am T the wrong entrance. I realise I am going be sick an do so RIGHT in the middle of the floor.
Also at 4am finding that Obama was president on the radio I clenched my fist and shouted YEAH!

Gas and air! Had it for labour with dd. tried to put the pipe in my ear, at which point they took it off me for a little while. Telling everyone I could do that again then, while high on g&a and the consultant was stitching me up, telling him to see it right up as there was no way I was doing anything that hurt that much again.

Ds was a planned HB. He arrived 4 minutes before the mw. I had screamed and hollered my way through early contractions (wimping out cos I wanted my g&a). Then thought I'd better close the back doors which were wide open. Had to go to hospital for stitching again. Originally told I'd be given a spinal block. Consultant decided it wasn't that bad and I could do it on gas and air. I was flying that time! White light, conversations between mw and dh and I that were entirely in my head. Bawled my eyes out when I had the g&a taken away (slightly too early) and apologised profusely for being able to labour and deliver ds with nothing but crying when it came to the stitches.

Dts. Arrived at DAU cos my waters were leaking. Was monitored and then waiting for dr while they decided what to do. Told dh contractions had started and sent him to get my bag as I knew we weren't going anywhere. Contractions got big time and I'm standing at the end of the bed, holding on for dear life and crying with the pain. Mw sees I'm not alright and hurries to get someone. By the time she's back, I'm pulling my trousers off because t1 was coming. Hear 'she's crowning' as I'm getting on the bed on all 4's, still crying and trying not to scream as there's a packed waiting room next door. They whisk a sheet over me, push the bed through the packed waiting room while telling me to breathe and not push

Then we get to delivery and all I'm doing is begging for g&a, telling them I can't move without it - they're trying to get me on a delivery bed but their pipe is the wrong side so too short. Nearly fell through the gap between beds! Finally get it then the damn mouth piece and pipe separate so I freaked. T1 arrived in 2 pushes. Dh had returned just in time to catch everyone whisking me off.

I am lucky that I can see the funny side to these, especially the twins as that did also traumatise me. But we had many more amusing episodes when I stayed with them in hospital for 13 days. Inc being asked by a hcp whether my boy/girl twins were identical

Attempted vbac with DS2 didn't go as planned, and became a c-section. At this point contractions were pretty strong, and coming every other minute. The anaesthetist doing the epidural only had a 1 minute gap between contractions to get the epi in, and it took him countless attempts over 10 minutes. So there's me curled over in a ball, naked from the chest down, leaking copiously as waters had been broken, but despite this in fits of laughter as every contraction bought about an unstoppable flurry of guffs.. It was kind of "ow ow ow ow argh feck feck feck parp parp paaaaarp.. hahahah ouch! parp haha ow squeeep!! hahahah.." for 10 minutes. The poor anaesthetist visited me the next day to check for after effects, and all I remember saying is "No, are you ok?? I'm so sorry for all the guffing!" and hiding under my pillow..

First baby ds was in labour all day but didnt know it lol spent the whole day cooking a full sunday lunch and just having a little sit down on the stairs when the "braxton hicks" were bad lol looking back it most certainly was not bh, mum and dp were telling me all day Debbylou your in labour me saying no am not it doesnt hurt enough to be labour well by 1am it did hurt enough haha, cue 16hrs in the bath on gna me out of my mind and talking utter shite and midwife trying to get me to eat cold soggy toast to boost my energy my reply you eat the stuff its icky nasty n cold, best part was dp's reaction to ds arriving and just staring at everyone like who are you people and why is it so cold out here, then dp had to leave the room while placenta was delivered because he almost fainted haha

Lovely quick home birth with dd2, until PPH. Ambulance arrives, can't take baby in the ambulance as there are no child restraints, all going a bit fuzzy, then the midwife starts to throw up. Apparently shes really car sick. Get to hospital and she has to be pushed in a wheelchair behind me on the trolley. Not funny at the time, but everything turned out good so can smile about it now.

I explained, several times and with increasing patronism, that I needed a poo. The midwife explained, far more patiently than I deserved, that I was actually having a baby. I took myself off to the cloakroom where I did not produce a poo. The baby however arrived some hours later.

During first labour and off it on gas and air I started singing some song from The Little Mermaid and telling my DH and DM how I'd seen the film at the cinema with my friend Julie when I was little. The midwife was trying to tell me something important and I vaguely remember DH and DM trying to shut me up long enough to listen. I wasn't having any of it and was sure my story was more important than anything. I think I was waving my arms about for effect too.

When I asked the midwives to "stitch me up properly as I didn't want to look like a ripped bus seat"
(Drunk on gas & air)

My funniest parts were havin gas and air after havin my baby for stiches i remember jus waffling on at my poor partner then wen a pessary was placed in my bum i sed 'ooo shes a bit freindly' lol then wen i stood up to take a shower i sed 'ooo it dont half hurt dwn there' everyone was in bits xxx