Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

While high on G&A telling my DH that "I've never gone to Ibiza" he calmly replied that he didn't think I'd missed very much

High on G & A, urging DP to have some, and then telling him "You have to park the car beside the door, cos we have to make a quick getaway!"....

We don't own a car...

congratulations pasturesnew on new dd

high on g&a asked where the wibble wobble house is and screaming at my mum you dont understant this hurts get it out she had 4 kids of her own so i think she did understand

This gas and air stuff sounds ace - I want that next time!

Having to get out of the birthing pool at 7cm dilated to go to the bathroom because I could not pee in the water (and yet...)

Making DP take a photo of the placenta (Midwife: 'wouldn't you rather have a photo of ds's first bath?)

my ex dh was asked by the midwife to help by mopping my brow, i wondered what was going on and realised he had stuck a sanitary towel on my head

Had DS last week. Not a fun exp. Couple of odd moments while high on G&A:

1. Woke up in the middle of a contraction and asked DH where the contractions were.

1. Woke up in the middle of another one to ask who had won the Miss World competition and how far it was to Manchester (we live in the South West and I never watch beauty pageants).

DS was eventually extracted via emergency CS and I finally regained some lucidity just before the procedure. Spinal block went in (heavenly after 48 hours of spurious and not so spurious labour) providing immediate pain relief. Various random momemnts in theatre:

1. The anaesthetist was quite chatty and pleasant. Halfway through I began thinking "oh this is nice. I wonder if I could have a cup of tea". Fortunately I was lucid enough not to ask.

1. The doctor stitching me up afterwards leaning over and saying "I'm so jealous, you've got less than 1cm of tummy fat". I was like .

I was 10 days early and we hadn't charged our camera batteries, so on the way to the hospital we stopped off at Asda, I stayed in the car listening to the radio. Jeremy Beadle had just died!

Just found this thread and am in stitches (pardon the pun), so thought i would share my funny bits too.
ds - was admitted to labour ward at shift change and was left in a waiting room. Within 5 mins I really needed to pee so midwife guided us into room, recently vacated by new mum, (it looked like a warzone, have never seen so much blood) so that I could use the loo. On standing up from loo, my waters broke while my pants were stll round my ankles. within seconds i was brought to my hands and knees by an almighty contraction. DH appeared and gently said 'you know you'll need to wash your hands now' my response is unrepeatable!
dd1 - after 27 hours of labour with ds, i was expecting to be in for the long haul. 18 mins of almost painfree labour later dd was born to which i said 'is that it?' mw thought i was referring to dd and was not amused.
dd2 - was back to back so i spent most of labour sitting bolt upright as backache was excrutiating. When I announced that i needed to push mw told dh to put the back of the bed down, he obliged and I began screaming as pain shot through back and he put it back up again, she shouted at him to lower it and he did. this process was repeated several times as i went up and down again and again. Eventually I got myself into a crab like postion whilst they continued arguing and delivered dd2's head before they even noticed! mw didn't even have her gloves on so DH delivered her om mw's instructions as she wrestled her gloves on!

To my mind, the gas and air made my voice a lot deeper, so I kept telling everyone very loudly that 'I SOUND LIKE A TRANSEXUAL!!' (giggle giggle giggle)

DH asked if he should be calling me 'Dave' and I told him quite seriously, 'No, please call me Davina'.

The midwife saying to me "You really need to get him out on this push, he's getting tired", to which I responded, "I can f*cking sympathise!"

Whilst about three hours into my labour, I went to the bathroom, and as I was leaving, there was a woman giving birth in a doorway. The midwife running past me saying, "Be with you in a minute, love," will stay with me always, as she skidded to a halt on he knees, spreading a sheet out.

I had mecronium in my waters, so didn't get to use the birthing pool. However, I had a lot of fluid, and the midwife saying to me, "Look, you got your water birth after all!", as she mopped the floor for the fourth time was hysterically funny at the time.

Oh, and of course, DPs suggestion of shouting "For Gondor!" will never be forgotten...

I had a c-section as ds was breech. After he was born I was allowed to hold him very briefly before he was whisked away to scbu (precautionary measure) as I had an infection.

I was feeling very emotional but didn't want to break down and I was also scared that if I didn't talk I might die. I couldn't think of anything to say and then I said to the Anaesthetist "Did you know that years ago a porno was filmed in his hospital" I don't even watch pornos but then found myself rambling on about pornos and the sex industry. It was a very surreal experience.

It wasn't funny at the time, but 6 months afer the birth I can vaguely laugh.

I had a major placental abruption which started at home. I never went into labour. I called the hospital, then the ambulance, rang DH, got the neighbour to collect DD etc. The ambulance arrived and I am blue lighted off with DH trying to follow at 90mph down the motorway.
Suddenly there was an odd metal grinding noise and the ambulance was bouncing about...we'd punctured!

We pull over on the hard shoulder and find we are down to the rim on both rear tyres. DH pulls up behind and thinks I am giving birth. The police are called and eventually we limp along the motorway and off at the next junction where I am transfered to a new ambulance at the side of the road...where I am spotted by a neighbour driving past!
It takes nearly 2 hours to do a journey that could have been done in 20mins.

I am then put on the monitor and the relief of hearing DS's heart beat was immense. He is a huge amount of destress- HB was 190+ constantly. Just as I sign my life away for the c-section, DS heart rate flatlines...localised powercut . It returns a few minutes later once all the machines have been re-set. I am then sectioned and all is well!

jeremy beadle's not dead is he??

Yes.

what happened? how did i miss that? didn't think beadle had been about much recently!

He had pneumonia or something - was relatively young (not 60). I actually met him at a dinner I went to a few years ago and he seemed like a lovely man - he did a LOT of charity work.

yes, he really wasn't very old at all Just one of those awful things i suppose. Poor guy.

Well! Ive never read anything so entertaining! This thread makes me realise why I am so keen to do this again! Im passing this on to my sister who is pregnant!
I have so many funny memories, where to begin!!..
1/ while having DS, grabbing the midwife, and saying,'where's the fucking anaesthetist, I want my fucking epidural!!!!' ....I never did get it!
2/ Having delivered him, I was lying back, exhausted and nearly asleep, when the midwife asked DP for the id no. on my wrist. Apparently, I opened my eyes, recited the six digit number perfectly, then promptly fell asleep again!
3/ Whilst waiting to be induced with DD, the ward was full of students. on being asked if I minded a student 'having a look' I got quite annoyed and said, 'yes, let them all have a look. tell them to bring their dogs and they can have a look too!!!'
4/ Whilst waiting on said ward, the biggest bloke I've ever seen walks in, holds out a hand like a bunch of sausages for me to shake, and says 'hello, Im your midwife for this afternoon' needless to say, my legs remained firmly crossed for the rest of the afternoon!
And my personal favourite..
5/ Having delivered DD, I am on my back being stitched up. Much to my horror, I look down between the stirrups, to see the midwife, sitting back, head on one side, staring at his handiwork, and giving it an experimental prod! Next minute another MW walks in, comes over, has a look, puts her head on one side, and has a bit of a prod about! (It wasnt till I got home and had a look, I realised he had gone a bit crooked and I looked slightly like a cardi with the buttons done up wrong!!) Then, to add insult to injury, the MW looks up at me and says..'I've just got to pop my finger into your bottom to make sure I haven't sown you back passage together!!! It is hysterical now, but I was less than amused at the time!!

FAO ANNIBUNGUS - Well you are an old trout!! Lol. Can't see all the pages so no doubt I have more horrors! But third time round now big sis - This munchkin should pop out like toast :-)

bump cos this thread is great and should be kept alive!

Please can everyone keep these coming, it's making me feel so much better about my ever closer 1st baby due in June Bring on the gas and air!

Just found the classics section, have to share this. It's my mum's, and dad only admitted to me very recently, after a few pints, that it was in fact true.

Around 2am, mum, who's been contracting on and off all day with DC3, reckons enough is enough. Nudges dad. 'Love, baby's coming'. Dad rolls over. So mum, who kind of wanted a home birth anyway, leaves him to sleep. Around 6 am, waters break. Mum nudges dad. 'Love, BABY'S COMING!'. Dad rolls over. About 8am, mum gets dad to ring his father to come and look after other kids while they go in to hospital. On the phone:

Dad: 'LRDmum thinks she's, er, having the baby!'
Dad's dad: 'Are you sure?'
Dad: 'No, actually. Between you and me, I think it's a false alarm.'
Dad'sdad: 'Ah well, we'll humour her...'
Mum (listening in): 'AAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!'

Little brother arrived in the hospital corridor.

Dad never admitted he had this conversation all the time I was growing up - mum repeatedly claimed he had and he had the nerve to say she'd dreamed it all. But he has admitted it now.

Oh, and dad's dad managed to 'help' by putting a wash on with soap flakes instead off powder, thereby rendering them washing machine-less with a newborn.

After my DS was delivered, my DH looked at the placenta and said to the MW, 'I preferred the first one, on the whole.' He still thinks it's one of his best ever jokes.

My favourite moment was when (after my waters broke at 36 weeks + 6) I was sitting in triage at the hospital, waiting to be admitted. I spewed everywhere and the very tired, end-of-shift MW looked at me in horror and said, 'Oh no. You're not in labour, are you? Do you think you're in labour?' What else would I be doing there? And wouldn't she have a better idea than me, given that he was my first?

From shock I was almost silent throughout labour and ended up having to call the MW as the head was coming out, before I'd taken off my trousers and pants... All the MWs on duty came in to see me afterwards because they were so impressed with my calmness. I was too startled to scream, tbh. I wasn't supposed to have him for AT LEAST three weeks - I think I'd convinced myself there was some mistake and I'd be sent home soon...

i remember after being in early labour for hours, i was finally considered to be in established labour and let loose on the gas and air. after about two puffs of it, i felt absolutely wrecked and proceeded to tell DH and the midwife, saying, "it's like you're absolutely shitfaced!" Not content with telling them once, i said it about three times! i had my ipod on too and could hear the music sort of throbbing in my head and also kept saying "yeah, it's like i'm in a nghtclub"... hmmmm, perhaps not!

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