Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Well of my recollections was when in the middle of a 24 hour labour the mw was trying to show me the chart thing with the different cervix sizes on it to show me how big 7cm was and I had to get to 'that' size before baby came, and all could think of saying was what the hell is she showing me bloody diaphrams for!

Another one...after i had been pushing for about an hour a midwife appeared with a big fan. Apparantly it wasn't to cool me down, but to blow the smell of something away. Only found this out a few weeks later, wish OH had never told me

With ds2, i laboured in a rocking chair with the gas and air tube firmly between my teeth at all times.....needless to say i was high as a kite! At one point i stated making these wierd noises, and the mw said to my mum "she is either trying to laugh or about to be sick" Que my lovely mum rushing with the sick bowl to my side, and me then bursting into hysterical laughter and spluttering out "demented pensioner!"

It wasn't until after he was born that i was able to explain that in my fogged brain jelly state, that i was thinking i looked like a crazy old lady rocking back and forth in hyper drive.......quite how that ended up coming out as "demented pensioner" i'll never know! lol

When the MW finally turned up after dd was born in the pool at home, took one look at me, turned to dh and said "better get her a couple of paracetamol, as those afterpains can be a bit nippy". I just gave birth FFS, if I didn't need drugs for that, I certainly don't need paracetamol NOW .

When being stitched after the forceps delivery of ds, I misheard the Dr's unusual foreign-sounding name and thought he'd said he was called "Ebola". I then had this little monologue with myself along the lines of "Ebola... that's an unusual name... hang on, no that's not a name, that's a disease... I remember it's a haemorrhagic fever. We studied it in pathology. Why on earth would anyone be named after a disease of death?" .

He also hadn't used enough local and didn't seem to believe that I could feel the stitches until I described in minute detail exactly what he was stitching anatomically. He looked a bit and produced more drugs.

When a doctor earlier on in labour had taken 4 attempts to site a drip, I shouted something along the lines of "all fucking doctors are fucking completely fucking useless. Get me a midwife, I HATE doctors!". Dh informed me that she was one I'd had a run-in with antenatally, so he found it rather satisfying. I had no clue who she was as my eyes were clamped shut throughout.

I remember one bitch twat numpty of a nurse who (out of all the other lovely fabulous ones) "took care" of me after Jackbaby's completely ballsed-up birth...

she was the one who was stood by me tapping her foot whilst I was desperately trying to wee on the toilet (after having a catheter for 3 days, and so much swelling down there that my bits looked like two bagel-halves and I had haemorrhoids the size of plums - sorry, TMI) - I finally lost the plot on her and shouted "if you can't stop tapping your damn foot, get out of here - I don't normally wee for an audience (but boy, has that ever changed with DS's arrival ) and I doubt I could squeeze out so much as a drop with you looking at me with a face like a hen's bottom!!" DH (who didn't like her either) said everyone could hear me, into the corridor... said she came out looking like she wanted to lamp me .

Same nurse told me I didn't need my narcotic analgesics anymore, that paracetamol and ibuprofen were good enough (after high forceps delivery with 3rd degree tear... yeah...) - cue me wailing in pain three hours later and another mum in the room next door calling the charge nurse for me... I know, not funny, but boy, did she get in trouble for telling me something that was properly a doctor's decision...

And, would you believe, same nurse told me I only needed to get up and walk around a bit and I'd be much less faint and dizzy!!! Cue me trying to get off the bed, slipping through her and her aide's arms to faint on the floor.
(With my horrified DH and MIL watching.) They said it was like a screen play. My knees gave out, eyeballs rolled up in my head and I sort of flowed onto the floor in slo-mo. At the very moment the OB consultant walked in the door. Who saw me on the floor and immediately started screaming "whose fuckwitted idea was this, this woman's haemoglobin is in the basement, she needs a transfusion, not to jog around the ward!!!" (Again, apparently loud enough to be heard down the hall... )

After I'd had my transfusion and the world resumed its normal colour by next day (appeared a bit grey and foogy before) and I didn't see Nurse Ratched (the bitch battleaxe) again, I asked if she was off for a few days and was told that she'd asked for reassigment...

I know this isn't really fun, in fact it's a bit grim, but funny in a crooked sort of way. How can one single person be so ignorant and unkind??? And on a labour ward!!

Have I killed the thread?

Gosh how awful for you Jacksmama.

Dh wanted to hold my hand whilst I was having dd by c-section, because of the equipment etc, he couldn't get near enough to my hand and ended up holding my ear lobe..

The scrubs were also too small for him (he is quite broad and 6ft 2), so they were half way up his arms and legs

I have loads - from ds1's labour where a firealarm was going off in the hospital for 2 hours while I was getting to 9 cms and dh slept through the lot (I never let him forget that) to dc3 when I sneezed at the petting enclosure of the local zoo and went into violent contractions - scattered the goats and all the locals who were also there

and I also bit dh when I was in labour in germany and they don't do gas and air - I had nothing to bite down on apart from him - I drew blood!

after spending HOURS being told that the anaesthetist would be here 'in a minute'to give me my epidural, I finally snapped and screamed "have you only got one fucking anaesthetist in this whole fucking hospital??" my mother laughed like a drain

I also announced to my mum very loudly (after my morphine kicked in) "Damn I'm glad you cant buy this in the pub, its gooooood"

during a particularly intense contraction i dropped the gas and air mouth piece thing. I screamed at DP to pick it up for me. Meanwhile my MW (who was looking after two of us at the same time) came running down the corridor, rushed into the room thinking that DS was arriving

later on DP and my bf (2nd bp) had a snack of curried pasties. one of them came near me and i muttered something about their breath stinking and to go away. they obviously managed to find some chewing gum because the next thing i know is that i can smell mint. i didn't have the heart to tell them it was as bad as the curry smell! at least i don't think i told them

Phew, glad I didn't kill the thread !

LMAO at Fimboman holding your earlobe!!!

Oh, just remembered something truly funny - - DH watched Jackbaby being yanked out with forceps born (from the head of the table, not the business end) and the subsequent haemorrhage all over the floor and the OB's shoes (this is not the funny part, BTW) without passing out, which is remarkable really. They handed Jackbaby to him while trying to put Humpty back together sewing me up, and he was standing there holding him, in complete amazement at how alert and wide-eyed Jackbaby was. Apparently he was looking around and focusing on the anaesthesiologist's coloured screens, and the lovely anaes. started switching the screen colours and making them beep and the two of them were mesmerized by Jackbaby's reaction to the colours and sounds. Cue an OR nurse yelling at DH to "sit down, right now, we don't want you to faint and fall over while holding the baby!!!"

Because lights and colours and sounds and an adorable alert newborn are so scary

oh yes - I had forgotton - after no alcohol for 9 months with ds1 when the first draft of gas and air kicked in, I started to try and make small talk to the MW (so , sally, what do you do in your spare time) like hyacinth bucket on acid

i remember after my first suck on the gas and air, i said something (that i believed was truly profound) and the MW said "it would seem the g&a is working then!" I tried to protest but the stifled giggles from DP and BF convinced me to stop!

I was convinced I was having a boy. I was so convinced and so convincing that when the midwife had a rummage she said that while the good news was that it was definitely a boy because she could feel some little boy bits, the bad news was that since she could feel little boy bits, it was breech.

One emergency C-section later a small person with no little boy bits whatsoever emerged and the midwife announced to the room in general, 'Well, I did say I was a rubbish midwife.'

ROFL!!! This is my favourite thread. Always makes me laugh when I need a break!

Bump - mumsnet has gone a bit mad and it's time to remember some good stuff

Bump

Not during childbirth, but afterwards on the ward, DH came in for his first post-birth visit with a present for me.

It wasn't flowers, or diamonds, or chocolates.

It was a desk fan.

A desk fan that he wasn't allowed to turn on in the hospital because it hadn't passed the secret electrical appliance rites.

Having been examined and proclaimed 2cm dilated I decided "Bugger this natural delivery, if I can't cope now, it looks like I'll be here sometime" So asked for an epidural. Staff fantastic and epidural was in within 20 mins.

Before it had even started working, staff were having trouble picking up CTG and decided another VE was necessary - 10 cm. (from 2 - 10 cm in 25 mins )

I'm then in the position of a painfree second stage.

Me, Legs up in stirrups - gleefull in my pain free status, waiting to be told when contraction arrives so I can push. DH at the head end, midwife and senior midwife at the business end. All waiting for the contraction.

Midwife proclaims "Thats a big gap"
I get indignant and cross thinking she's referring to my (ahem) anatomy when in fact she referring to the gap between contractions

Mind you I think the midwife was more embarrassed especially when DH, the senior midwife and I couldn't stop laughing.

PMSL at "big gap"!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a student midwife who I am sure was on her first ever birth (my 3rd dc) so when i said i thought i needed to push and she answered by saying it wasnt possible i told her in no uncertain terms to "get the real f*cking midwife in here!" - my DH was mortified..........
but he was even more mortified when just 5 minutes later i told him that i wasn't giving birth today, i wanted to go home and would come back tomorrow to have the baby....... dc was born about 10 minutes later...... with the "real" midwife present
that transition is a bugger!!!

I was too scared to have gas and air at first because everyone told me it was like being stoned. I had never got on with weed and had always pulled a massive whitey, therefore the thought of being in labour and pulling a whitey really didn't appeal. So, I made my dh try it first when the midwife wasn't looking. He took one big one (he used to be a big stoner) and said 'honestly babe, you'll love it). So I did and I loved it and he loved it, so for the next god knows how many hours we both got through a lot of gas! Both as high as kites.

A few hours later, the gas although still lovely wasn't quite cutting it so in came the anesthetist to start the epidural. He was quite possibly the fittest guy I'd ever seen and proceeded to tell everyone in the room (including him) that. Insisted my Dh to me to the toliet for a wee and to gather myself together (like I was getting ready for some liason with the anesthetist). sat on the loo gushing about him and instructing my dh to hold my gown together at the back to preserve my dignity (yeh right, there was a slug trail all the way to the loo!). Loved the spray so much on my back I just kept saying 'again, again, again".

All very embarrassing and the dh has had to fill me in on most of it.

The bit I didn't laugh at: I was pushing lying down on a bed for 2 hours. About 30 mins in dh said to me and midwife could he sit down because his legs were killing.

bump

I would like to apologise to any other expectant mothers in St. Thomas' in London yesterday morning - although I was yelling at the top of my voice, "HELP! HELP! and CATCH IT!" whilst giving birth to DD, there was in fact a fully qualified midwife in the room throughout - sorry if I may have given the impression it was otherwise!