Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Ok, the poor midwife who had to talk to me non stop as i was getting stitched up good and proper with my legs up in stirrups. The gas and air was great but I had the midwife's hands gripped in mine and just kept saying to her, 'don't stop talking to me, don't stop talking'! DH was useless by that stage and was slumped in a chair on the other side of me white as a sheet.

And just before this, my placenta was refusing to come out and all the midwives were gathered round deciding what they should do. An hour passed and none of them wanted to tug on the string anymore as they didn't want it to snap. The doctor was called in, took one look at me, put his hand up and PULLED IT OUT. Nice. No wonder i had so many stitches.

My husband cranked up the gas when the midwife was out of the room, which was GREAT, i was so out of it! I was bobbing up and down and remember someone saying i looked like a dolphin, and i remember being more embarressed about that then the fact i was totally naked! I passed out in the end, then the midwife came rumnning over and took the gas off me !!

Also my husband videoed the whole birth and i didnt even realise, until about 5 min after i looked up at the camera and said "dont get my boobs in"!

The moment when, at 5 cm dilated, I was turfed off my nice comfy-ish bed to make way for dh who had fainted after the anaesthetist described the risks of an epidural. Took so long to bring him round/do the ecg on him that by the time he was back on his feet, the anaesthetist had buggered off to an emergency c/s.

Have never forgiven dh for making me labour and birth au naturel.

Made lots of horsey noises, as for some reason found it a relief.

Kept bouncing v v violently on the birthing ball to relieve pressure. DH - stop that, you'll make yourself ill. I ignored him and went on with ever more force, followed by a spectacular vomit all over the dining room floor. Abject apologies while DH on his knees cleaning up (but I was really giggling inside!).

DH insisted on wearing his best shirt to hospital, 'for the baby'. It ended up being covered in blood splatters. Before he went home and left us in hospital for the night, he asked me how to get the stains out!

After DD born they handed her to DH, to give her to me, as per my birth plan...except he kept hold of her for a bit, I thought 'awww he's totally in love'. Waited a little longer, and said very politely 'can I have her now?'. No response from DH, not even a twitch still holding her and staring. I lost it and remember screaming 'give me my baby!!!!', He passed her over pretty sharpish then! I still sometimes ask him what the hell he was doing?? Apparently, checking all fingers and toes

These are fab, have managed to get nothing at all done while DS has been asleep!

I remember having a break between contractions and everything was very quiet, I was in my own little world with entinox and pethadine and very smiley.... suddenly announced to DH and MW that I felt like I was in a washing machine. Spinny dizzy feeling from drugs and the sound of air con..... DH swears I said I felt like I was a washing machine?????

Also, same situation, between irregular contractions, really really tired and fed up, in my own little world and for some reason I asked DH where Cindy Lauper's wedding dress was.

My mum travelled 6hours to hospital while I was in labour, she brought DH some sandwiches as he hadn't eaten for 2 days. She just wanted to drop them off with the MW but the MW told her to come into the delivery room, apparently (I have no recollection of this ever happening) I turned to my mum and shouted 'you just couldn't keep away could you!?'
If I don't remember it then it never happened and I don't have to ever feel like an awful moo for screaming at my mum!

I was very busy standing up pushing out our breech baby when my Mum said "oh I can see its foot, it's beautiful, just like a lamb.." I knew I was making lots of noise - but a sheep?

I've never laughed and been able to relate to so much as what's written above. I've cried with laughter at some of them! Absolutely hilarious!

I think my funniest moment was being told in the middle of a contraction that there was only an anaesthetist for epidurals and he was in a section.

I remember targeting the midwife (who was sensibly standing a long way from the bed) and saying through gritted teeth 'WHY do you only have ONE????' DH absolutely died of laughter behind me, I swear if i could have got off the bed i'd have killed her!

Whilst having DS2 naturally (DS1 was born by emergency CS) DH pipes up with "Oh my god I didn't realise it could stretch that much!"

Oh just thought of some more....

For 3 solid hours I was on my knees with my head buried into the bed and a pillow in the crook of the bed with the G&A balanced on it, the MW told me I needed to lie on my back so she could check me, I started to turn round and DH picked up the G&A to move it out of my way and within a millisecond of him touching it I yelled 'get off, GET OFF, GET OFF! its mine, go... and get... your own!' like a right toddler tantrum!
Once I finally calmed down after that minor incident I looked at the MW and announced 'bloody hell, I'd forgotten what you looked like!'

There was also one point where MW announced she was just gonna push back the last bit of my cervix with the next contraction(!?!?)..... as she did so I shoved my foot in her ribs and sat forward to punch her, DH caught my hand!

Demanding a glass of milk for my heartburn! 'I'm in labour and I've still got bloody heartburn!'

Being VERY concerned for the student dr, who was sweating profusely while watching his first episiotomy, asking someone to make sure he was ok.... mid episiotomy...

And then asking the consultant how long she'd take to do her cross stitch (stitches) cos I really wanted to go home!

when having my dd and being very high on g+a i told my mw that i was never having oranges again, she asked if that was what i had craved, me no i can see a bowl of oranges over on table!!

Was reminded this evening on another thread of another one from DS's planned c section. Having suffered the horrors of shaving rash after an emergency CS with DD decided to deforest with Veet.

So put it on and waited and nothing happened. So I rinsed it off and got into my hospital gown and was taken down to the delivery suite. Midwife asked if I'd shaved. I said no, so she got out a razor and put her hand on my muff to part the hair ready to shave it and it all fell out. I pissed myself laughing and DH said 'sorry, she's a bit nervous'.

The midwife was horrified - till we explained about the Veet!

After waiting around for 4 and a half hours to be induced, I was given the pessary and told I would have to wait another 4 hours or so to see if it had worked.

DP couldn't even hide how bored he was and as we'd been moved out of our other bed temporarily with our patientline telly he decided to download something to watch on his mobile phone. He chose to download Benidorm and we managed to watch one episode then just as we were starting the second the midwife came back in and the theme music was blaring out and DP looked like he might crap himself as he thought she was going to tell him off, and comically fumbled around with the phone making a right palava of turning it off whilst going bright red.

When i had my legs vertical to my body gettign stitched up i proclaimed like a lotto winner that eeeeeeee i have freckles onmy legs just like them legs (not realising in my g and a dazed state they were mine!)

When DS was a few pushes off being born, the MW asked me if I want him delivered up onto my tummy... I said 'God no, take him away and bath him first, ewww'!

Moo-ed like a cow with my first, whinnied like a horse with my second - and during my second birth, DH sat eating Ginsters pastie while I stood leaning over the bed doing cycling actions and muttering to myself "going up the hill, going up the hill" (it helps with contractions!)

Got into labour ward with my first, for about the fifth time (had contractions for about a week). Cow of a midwife takes one look at me, rolls her eyes and says 'Oh dear. No doubt you;re going home again, but I suppose I'd better take a look'. Peers contemptuously into my bits, cue waters breaking spectacularly in her face, gunk and everything. I laughed and laughed, not caring that she could hear me, right up until the point she said acidly 'NOW it's going to hurt'. That shut me up.

After much drugs on the labour ward, I requested that my cat be brought in so I could have a cuddle with it...

...was sick all down DP, once in green, once in orange..

... and when I read my notes after, it said "vocal++".. glad I wasn't in the room next to me !

This is such an old thread I may be repeating myself

I sulked like a child about delivering the placenta. I can't remember but I said' no there's no need this birth stuff is finished'

My second birth was a home birth.

The w

My friend said she was high on gas and air and telling all and sundry about how her legs were 'blown off in the vietnam war'

screaming at my husband to 'GET MY KNICKERS OFF' i was pushing with them still on
it was all a bit quick!!

that and the mad zulu type dancing i was doing
i must of looked a right state but i didnt care i was in sooooooooo much pain

Bumping because I need to laugh some more!!

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