Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

This thread has cheered me no end as I approach birth of DC2.

Funny bits I recall from DD1:

• Upon waking DH at 3AM to tell him "it's started" at 41 weeks. He lept up and asked "if there is time to shower and shave as he doesn't want DD to meet him all scruffy looking". She was born 40 HOURS later and we were both pretty scruffy looking by then!

• DH dozing on the bed in the midwife led unit (I couldn't bear to lie down) and he lept to attention at my side everytime the midwife opened the door to come and check on us.

• 14 hours later and exhausted I asked for epidural. Was told I had to move to another unit in different part of hospital, was I OK to walk? I got up and set off and a pace carrying all our bags as I was so keen to get the drugs. Midwife followed shouting at me to leave the bags and a porter would take them!

My favourite part of childbirth was watching a cricket match on the tv in the labour ward with my hubby....... everytime there was a wicket id cheer and the midwives would rush in and ask if i was ok.....i just replied that another wicket had gone! They werent very happy! They moved me into the delivery suite and i wasnt allowed the tv in there... i kept sending them out to find the score!!

oh my word I can't believe this thread is still going, and you are still on it too whomovedmychocolate . I read this a few weeks before giving birth (which was a horror story ending in scbu, nothing funny to report) and seriously thinking I was going to go into labour from the laughing.

ds is now 11 months

and this thread is still hilarious

I love this thread. It's my favourite.
Jackbaby's birth was just pants... (see Birth Trauma Support Thread ) because my midwife was a cowbag, but I so love reading everyone else's stories!!

Oh i heart gas and air. Apparently during my first labour I was rabbiting on about Fraggle Rock!!! And later told the modwife I didn't give a fucking fuck if I got sore fucking throat I would grunt as much as I fucking well wanted to

Ah, this thread again! I first read it in May about a month before I gave birth and it helped a lot. I have 3 (I will not do this chronologically but build up to a climax as it were!)

1. Midwife telling me to put on my knickers as the young asian anaesthetist was about to enter. I refused, and fought her a bit. So she said well let's put the blanket over you then. I also barked at her to TAKE IT OFF, I want NOTHING on me. I'm normally quite reserved.

1. Everybody - maybe 10 people in the room - all still and quiet so that the anaesthetist could put in the epi needle. I took a slug of G&A and whispered (not!) to DH 'I think now might be the time for you to sneak out without anybody noticing and bring me back some chocolate. But don't tell HER.' (The midwife).

1. [drum roll] DH left the room as the anaesthetist read me the t&c of the epi. After a silent pause, I took a deep noisy slug of the G&A, Darth Vadar like, and said

YOU [breath] had better do a good job of this [breath] because my husband is a barrister [breath] who does botched caesarian cases [breath] and will sue your ass off. [breath] He proceeded to insert the needle with a shaky hand, but did a cracking job of it - a great epidural. But... 10 weeks later I was at a wedding of a family friend and saw DH chatting to a familiar man. Couldn't quite place him, but DH called me over and asked if I recognised him. I thought for a bit and realised...he was my anaesthetist...who reminded me of my threat! Luckily we could both laugh about it...

oh god love this thread, I hope it runs forever!

Funniest moment for me was during transition when DP thought it would be a good idea to start singing 'Little donkey ' to me.

W. T. F. ?

Even in my breathless and panting state I did manage to tell him to shut up.

I love this Thread, keep coming back every so often to check the new stories

Mine is kind of a weird one and a bit of background needed, I work with someone who used to be ward clerk in an ICU and she would get annoyed at Holby City and Casualty about the consultants jumping on the patients beds to administer treatment, she would say it just doesn't happen in real life.

So cue my Labour, SEVERAL hours in and labour not really progressing well. The consultant comes in to examine me and discovers a cord prolapse (scary scenario I know but everything was fine) so obviously an emergancy section is needed, so the consultant jumps on the bed to keep his hand in place so he can hold the babies head off the cord while I am run along the corridor in the bed to theatre and all I can think is "I must remember to tell friend that they do jump on the bed" In my defense Gas and Air had played a big part in my Labour up until then

I read this thread a couple of weeks before i had DD in October, i even showed DP, we especially laughed at all the tales of 'moo-ing' during labour.

Of course i then spent the whole of my labour moo-ing VERY VERY loudly. DP often reminds me of it, and does impressions.

Oh that's great !!!
The power of suggestion, hey?

Honestly, i had no idea of the farmyard noises i was capable of until that day.

He managed not to laugh at the time though, i think he could have been pissing himself laughing and i don't think i'd have noticed. Only found out a few days later that he had gone for a tea break with my Mum halfway through the labour and i'd had no clue

I am PMSL --- thanks for sharing!!!

Also love this thread, lets keep it going.

I used to spend quite a bit of time on an Indonesian island, diving and smoking weed in the hammock, overlooking the sea. For some reason I had to think about that place whilst high on Gas and Air, thinking I was lying in that said hammock. My DH later told me I started to talk in a Jamaican accent 'ya man'.... Gas and Air rocks.

Also had to get quite cross with my midwife. She started calling me Sarah, now, my name is not Sarah and does not sound anything like it. I tried to ignore it for a while but got so irritated after a while, I just had to jump down her throat. Poor woman.
Got my own back later though. Lying on the bed, holding new baby in arms. She told me to push the placenta out gently - well, I couldn't know it would shoot out straight away, all over her......

Pooing myself was funny, you've got to laugh I suppose!

funiest bit, hmm, got to be whilst in transition, had been pushing ineffectually for about 2 hours and I could tell the midwives were getting a) tired b) worried so I tried to lighten the mood by saying " have you got any forceps?" only to be told in hushed tones that they dont bring anything like that to homebiths and I'd have to do it myself. Guess you had to be there, huh?

The whole time I was in the delivery room, I kept hearing someone practicing the clarinet. It was driving me bonkers, and I couldn't work out how someone was making the noise carry all they way from wherever they were playing the clarinet into my room.
I kept asking DP to close the window so I couldn't hear the music, and he kept telling me the window was already closed, while giving me very concerned looks.

It was only when I was in the post-natal ward and I heard the calling bells for the midwife that I realised I had turned the chiming bell into a full blown clarinet masterpiece in my head...

Oh, the joys of G&A births!

Being in excruciating pain as I hit transition phase on gas and air alone, begging for the epidural - and being vaguely aware of the radio in the background playing "Big girls don't cry" by Fergie...

Also - I had/have a fear of dodgy stitches/problems with healing and painful scars so had said in my birthplan I wanted a consultant to do the stitching if possible. None available at the time so midwife had to do it - DH had popped to loo while this was raised with me and I agreed I was happy for her to proceed. DH comes back, clocks midwife is about to start stitching me up and asks me if I am happy with that - and then asks the midwife if she's done it before???

when i had the gas and air i got so attatched to it that the midwife was literally trying to pull it away from me and i was saying " i cant breathe without it!" and secondly in the last stages of labour shouting madly at the midwife " I need a FUCKING POO" she responded "no i promise you dont its just the babys head pushing down thats the pressure" and me yelling back "dont be so bloody horrible just let me go for a FUCKING POOOOOO!" lol my best friend still laughs about it now 2.10 years later! and i will be going through it all again at the begining of august!! and so will my best friend!!

oh god that was me, wailing "i have to poo, i have to POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

My epidural took ages to site, even getting the velflon in my hand took 3 people 5 attempts.

High on gas and air and pushing like a demon I screamed 'Thank God that bitch of an incompetent ugly anaesthetist is gone don't ever let her back in my delivery room'

She was stood behind me ready to start the epidural....I was clearly confused at what an epidural actually is!!

Also told mum and dh to 'shut the fuck up I'm dying and you're sat chatting you morons'

And screaming 'are you simple?' when anyone asked me how I was.

Sorry if anyone finds this disgusting but at least it was totally painless. My husband's face when my strangely (so the midwives said anyway!) huge placenta with DS2 shot out hit my feet and landed in a little puddle of blood! His eyes were about to pop out of his head. He says it is the grimmest thing he has seen and it is one of his reasons for wanting a vasectomy. I am really giggling now at the thought of if his face.

Opening eyes whilst hurtling at breakneck speed through country lanes at 6am and saying "Ooh look, a barn owl."

Bumping because these are so funny!!!

DH just reminded me of the look on the 12 year old student doctor's face when I gave him a gassy leer and slurred, "bung in an extra stitch Bambi, make me nice and tight again."
(Bambi because I'd confused him with JD from the show Scrubs).