Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Hah - am loving this thread!

I am sure the Dr who came in to do my episotimy (sp) was about 19, total wide boy, with gold necklace and his surgical trousers round his knees so the top of his boxers were showing. In true wideboy gangsta stylie he flicked his fingers in that funny clicky way alot of men can do, and pronounced "tuuunnne!" to the song which was playing on my cd player...I think it was a Supremes song.
I was a bit mortified that someone from Musical Youth was about to sew me up, but laugh about it now!

Looking back though, I am sure I've baby sat for people older than him, he was really young!

I love this thread, we absolutely have to keep it going.

Went into labour with DD at my Mums house. My sister who still lived there was told to tidy her room, to which she replied "Why she's not having it up there is she?"

19 hrs later DD was born, and I cried "It's a baby" Del boy fashion. I had actually forgot that's what was going on.

DH was hysterical with tears... he left to phone people and the midwife asked me "Is he okay?"

With DS much quicker 6 hr labour, but this meant no fresh air between gulps of gas and air... DH asked me why I'd been keeping my A Level in comedy a secret so long, when it could be making us our fortune.

MW kept telling me not to push (still fully clothed and only 3cms at this point), me pushing, when they tried to get my bottoms off I clamped my legs shut and snarled "You're not coming near me unless you get pethadine first". When bottoms were eventually prised from me DS's head was crowning.

Me climbing up the bed, DH asking what I was doing, and I calmly explained the bottom of the bed was causing me some pain so I was trying to get away from it.

Finally DS and I were back to back, so when his head (and arm) crowned my Mum exclaiming "Oh look at him, lying there like superman, taking us all in."

bumping for any more recent stories!

We live in Canada and for the last couple of years there's been this type of TENS device here that was all the rage, invented by someone called Dr. Ho. Everyone has been calling the devices "Dr. Ho"s, rather than TENS machines. Consensus seems evenly divided between those who swear by them and those who think they're the tackiest little things that don't do much of anything. Plus, when people hear the word "ho" of course they think of loose women which makes it all that much funnier. And here a penis is occasionally referred to as a "peter".

Imagine how we felt when an OB had to be called to assess me, and a tall Asian man walked in and the MW introduced him as "Dr. Peter Ho"...

my funniest bit was before we even got to hospital. My waters had broken at about 8.00 am whilst dh was getting ready for work, as I had gestational diebetes and other complications I had been told to go straight to hospital at the slightest sign.. So my dh is running around our flat frantically looking for my hospital bag and shouting come on we've got to go whilst still in his pants and socks.... Whilst I stripped the bed, loaded the washer and had a quick bath.. Bless him he is usually so calm and laid back it still makes me laugh out loud to picture him

great thread!

funniest moment, when mum asked me how i was on the way to hospital, i said at the top of my voice "I FEEL VERY SHOUTY" still not sure what i ment!! when i got to hospital i was 10cm and ready to go!!

After losing the plot with the Community MW at 41+6, I was booked in to be induced. Taken into Labour Ward to be assessed. I had a birth plan with I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE AN EPIDURAL at the top and all sorts of other rubbish on it - grand plans for a natural birth (hollow laugh). Left in the room with DH for a couple of hours MW came in with gel:

MW: Oh we won't be needing this then
Me: Why not?
DH: You are in labour - those pains aren't nerves, they are contractions!
Me (in total surprise): Am I?!
Cue giggles from DH and MW

12 hours later at 2am, me high on G&A, bouncing on birthing ball with The Jam blasting in my ears, saying "this is easy - I can do this!" 20 minutes later:

MW: You are 2 cms
Me: What!
MW: 2 cms
Me: More drugs please

8am, MW check:

MW: Well done, 3 cms
Me: Is that all? Now what?
MW: I'll speak to the doctor
Me: I'll have an epidural now please

I got my epidural (and a drip to move things along) at about 8.30am and promptly went to sleep. My lovely MW woke me up at 1pm to do another check - yipee, fully dilated

MW: Right, lets get you ready to push
Me: Can't we wait for an hour or so, I would quite like to go back to sleep please
MW: Err not really

DD eventually arrived after 26 hours, via a crash section and a further 4 hours of emergency surgery. DH finally went home at 3am, 36 hours after we arrived, while I floated on a haze of some fairly hefty drugs including self-administered Morphine. Next time, I'm having an elective section!

when the consultant, on needing a lower seat, shouted "stool" to the midwife and dp thought i had sh*t myself.

On all fours screaming through a contraction in the car, on the way to the hospital in early morning traffic with other cars and passengers right next us - including stupid white van drivers who were staring at me!

Once at the hospital stupid dh parked the car on a main road near the hospital first and THEN left me and ran to get a wheelchair! Broad daylight me screaming f f f*! in the car on my own whilst mothers were walking their children to school.

Finally through main hospital entrance being pushed by dh in wheel chair and me telling everyone and anyone to f* off and don't come near me! Including sweet old man and lady! Still feel a bit bad about that...

right before i pushed out ds i had a poo and it stank! i was sat there saying 'omg i had a poo infront of a stranger' the mw was lovely though.
when he was crowning my mantra to stop myself from screaming was 'that smarts, that smarts'!! it worked as well.
i had a home birth as well and the tv was on, i was watching hollyoaks between contractions, coz it was the episode with niall in the church and i didn't want to miss it

My funniest bit was exH face when, after 20 mins of puffing cheeks, a bit of panting and contracting every 5 mins or so I called "H take my trousers off the baby is here" He did catch her but only just (this was an unassisted HB and exH first child, the mw was most impressed )

Was a bit trippy on all the pain relief and said to dh "please stop sprinkling anchovies on the lawn" in a very disapproving tone. Also alleged that I could see his car through a brick wall (with my x-ray vision...)

i farted!!! not just a little one either!! a full blown man fart that stunk the place out !!! lol

A few from DD1...

Having stripped off all my clothes as i couldn't bare anything touching my skin and staying like that for the whole labour....except my socks.

Realising a week later that i had been leaning out over the windowsill in the room to get some fresh air...the window was directly above the glass roofed conservatory dining room for the main hospital - nice view of my boobs dangling from 2 storeys up.

Overdoing the gas and air so that everyone turned into characters from the old-style advert for kia-ora - the one with the black birds and african women...exclaiming to DH that 'everyones gone black'.

Again too much gas and air - refusing to believe that DD had been born...asking him to check up my fanjo to see if she was really out.

this is a great thread. I will be re-reading it in April when I'm crapping myself about this baby coming!

with DD it was when the biggest scariest looking doctor came and told me she was going to examine me.

I was slightly high on gas and air and her hands looked huge to me... I said ' you can't put those up me...you'll hurt me...' She replied ' honey, you're worried about this hand when you're going to give birth to a whole baby?' My mum and sister were pissing themselves laughing. I just scowled and said 'don't call me honey....'

The other thing was when I told my sister that the gas and air was 'gooooooood shit...' and promptly fell off the chair......

Oh good times.....

He he! Please can we have some more?

Yeah I think this is a great thread can't wait to add my story in here. (I Hope I am due on March so will be reading a lot till then )

I don't have anything funny to add (Jackbaby's birth was a horror show) but have been PMSL at these... and have had the occasional moment of naughty hilarity wishing that some of these had happened to my midwife or the cow of an OB I had... like being showered in waters, poo, or falling off a stool... not very Christmassy, I know, but the image (even if made-up) is soooooo satisfying!!

Ha PMSL soooo much, this thread is great!!!

Not any funny stories of labour....had a horrible time of it but reading through did remember something slightly funny.......
Me DP and dd all in commual room waiting for the peadiatric doctor to discharge dd, I had c-section so was very slowly getting myself together along with hoards of presents, asked DP to undress dd as the paediatric doctor had arrived.......

DP 'what do i do?'
ME 'just take everything off of, her nappy too'

DP 'OH MY GOD shes POOING, oh my god, oh my god, help, what do i do?'

ME 'just lift her up and put her on my bed'

DP 'oh my god, now shes weeing, help....i cant do this!'

Me lauging lots by now but in soo much pain too!!! He tried his best!

I have to say that because of the house of horrors that DS's birth turned into (eventual forceps delivery, horrible tear from which I bled about 2 L - transfusion, special care unit for me, etc etc...) I couldn't get out of bed when DS first needed to be changed. So DH had to do it. It was that first meconium poo, so tarry black and sticky. I don't know HOW many wipes he used... wipe after wipe after wipe... but he did manage it, even if his hands were shaking after. I think it was good that he did the first awful change because subsequent diaper changes were less scary for him. Until DS started on fruit and yoghurt... then he had more trouble, LOL!

Ah I do love this thread so much. I started it under my first username (bless) when I was a newbie to Mumsnet.

DH's do tend to say some funny stuff just after childbirth though. My fave was DH who said of our daughter 'so how many weeks till her eyes open'

I'm sure he thought she was a kitten!

I had a fright when i was delivering DS. The MW screamed as he crowned adn i thougt something was really wrong- turns out his hadn was by his face adn he grabbed her finger as he came out.

Seeing DH's face as he held his firstborn who promptly pooed all over his hand was a picture too.

2 minutes after calling the mw to home birth "oh no i'm pushing" T starts screaming louder than me, me:no its ok, i'm pooing not pushing, T: thats a hairy poo! a minute later she's out

telling him to hurry up to hold my hand when i knew i couldnt keep still long neough for him to

throwing the toilet seat out the door

with last labour refusing to take my trousers off saying i was cold and not in labour then checking the camcorder was working as i wanted to film the birth

after ARM at home birth, mw catching waters in bowl, putting bloody towels in there afterwards and after eating off the jst washed plates, finding my friend had used this bowl for the washing up (that wasn't funny at the time, just made me feel sick)

mw seeing a spider and running away

God, i love this thread, gas and air is amazing stuff. To add mine - dd was a failed induction ending in c section, delirious with 30 odd hours of pain with no pain relief, as apparently i was NOT in labour,MW's finally hand over the gas and air, mw had it in her hand begining to demonstrate how to use it, when apparently i lunged at her snatched it from her like a crack addict and started sucking at it for dear life, only stopping to tell whoever was talking to me to 'fuck right off'. Unfortunately all the beeping of the machines blended into to each other in my gas and air haze to sound like some sort of rave song, at which point i stopped sucking to politely inquire 'why are you playing rave music' then singing the tune of the rave song at full volume to show them which song it was and then following up with 'could you please turn it off, this reminds me of shagging my ex'. then getting really pissed off that they couldnt hear the song, and i could only hear it when on the gas and air, and demanding to know where the song was coming from. After hours of this then came the epidural, by which point i was completely high, i hassled the anaethestist convinced she went to school with me and that she was friends with sarah a girl who had hearingdifficulties, and enquiring was she deaf, and informing her we used to sit together in maths, and i never shagged any boys in school because, announcing at the top of my cackling voice, as 'I WAS A SWOT!!' Apparently i said loads of other things my dp will never tell me and i dont want him too!!

Clarabell!! PMSL!!!!!!!!!
All I can say about gas and air was that they offered it to me while I was waiting for my epidural, and I was warned that it wouldn't take the pain away, it would just make me care less, and I remember snatching it like Clarabell and saying, "great, give it to me NOW!!!"
Not very funny... in a labour filled with few, if any, funny moments...