Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"

Loved the gas and air, to DH 'this is great shi*, try it'.
Ended up being rushed from midwife led unit to hospital and came round to DH telling me we had a dd, to which I replied 'what, I was pregnant?'

Sitting on a birthing ball having been given pethadine, I turned to DH with a big soppy grin and said "This stuff is great! It's like the end of the night when you've had to many pills and fell all la la la! I love you. I want to go and dance." DH looked very embarassed, but the young midwife laughed.

Also DH was very pissed off when he had a 10 minute nap on the uncomfortable armchair in teh lbour suite after having been in awake for 30 hours already, that the midwife wrote "partner asleep" on my notes.

My funniest moment during my second labour was my Spanish trainee midwfife ( who was actually the best midwife I've ever had)telling me to "push out of my front bottom"

My DH was smirking like a little school boy for about 10 mins !

With DD1, nothing in the later stages made me laugh whatsoever ! However, DH fannying around doing his hair before we left for the hospital at about 4am was quite funny and then when we went back later on that day, him casually ironing his clothes upstairs and gasing away to his brother while I was doubled over in agony !
With DD2, my waters breaing spectacularly at my parents house which was half hour away from our house and the hospital, no hospital bags so had to sit on a pile of beach towels all the way home, every time I moved a milimetre I just got more and more soaked ! And also insiting to the midwife I needeed to push, to be told I don't, then being examined and midwife running out into corridor shouting 'prep the trolley, prep the trolley'
With DD3, again telling MW I needed to push, to be told I didn't, she said she would examine me while pulling a stupid face and baby's head appearing at that moment ! Also chanting the song from Little Einsteins in my head the whole time I pushed her out - 'We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship, zooming through the sky, Little Einsteins' (yeh, you know the one)

My foul mouth on gas&air, I felt like some old rock star. Did sod all for the pain but I felt quite uninhibited between contractions.

I'd had an epidural, and the midwife asked me if I needed to wee.
I assured her I definitely didn't need a wee.
She then produced a bedpan and asked me to try anyway. (At this point I insisted DP leave the room to preserve my modesty , which he did.
Anyway, I was hauled onto the bedpan and couldn't squeeze a single drop out.
I gave the midwife a 'see I told you I didn't need a wee' look.
DP then came back into the room just as I was being catheterised, and about a gallon of wee came gushing out of the plastic pipe. DP says he'd never seen so much wee in all his life

Half past 4 in the morning contractions every 3 mins apart, we get into the car to go to the hospital only we dont start moving!

I look at DP 'why are we not moving'

DP replies 'i'm just de misting the windows darling'

'GET ME TO THE F*ING HOSPITAL NOW I DONT CARE ABOUT THE F**ING WINDOWS'

can only laugh about it now but at the time it was so not funny!

sat in the aftermath, legs akimbo, using the bedside phone to call my mum and when she asked how I was, I said "yeah cool, just watching the footie" I'd just given birth to twin boys at 29 weeks and i was gassing about Football! Luckily mum was plastered as she had gone to the pub when dh had told her i was in labour......

During the birth of DS2, the bit where the midwife said "here she is" as she pulled at DS's head and then she said, "oh, its a boy" .

We fell about laughing, honest, especially as we had a nice pink bedroom, with pink walls and carpet waiting for him at home. Bloody sonographer !!!! (actually was completely a different pregnancy to DS1 so I was more willing to believe he was a girl).

My mum phoned and dh had to tell her so she ran out into her street shouting its a boy, its a boy and my aunt (who lives next door) accused her of lying.

Didn't want a girl, far too bossy!

fairly uneventful pregnancy and labour. But in final stages of labour after DS head was delivered midwife told me to "bear down and push" problem was could still feel his feet in my ribs. Midwife told me it was impossible, soon after DS was born 11lbs 13oz and the longest baby I have ever seen. The moses basket at home...... he wasn't in it long, really glad I didn't have newborn clothes!!

left going in as late as possible with ds2 and was in transition in the car.
Me: (restrained) Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ds1: (laughing his head off in the back) Ow. Ow. Ow.
On arrival at labour ward
Senior m/w: well we'll put you on the pre-delivery ward for assessment
me: will have to be a quick visit then
m/w: do you think you are in labour then?
me: err...
ds2 born 20mins later

floating above the bed on so many drugs and gas and air could feel the blimin tens machine on full blast, had spiders marching up and down my spine but couldnt get anyone to understand me. Heard MW asking DH does she have thentens machine on, hurray,hurray i think but then he says no she turned it off on way over.it was turned off when i went into theatre for emergency c-section, 3hrs later.

Also 3 days later at home when DH said to MW come on we all need to stop molly coddling her now it was only an operation.wasnt funny at time but MWs face was a picture.

My waters breaking with a very loud BANG and splashing about 6 feet up the wall at the bottom of the bed, all over the midwife and student next to her. DH jumped out of his skin and shouted 'what the bloody hell was that?'
DD was born about 5 mins later

Also (with both DD's) saying 'I've changed my mind, I'll just go home now I think' about 1/2 hour before they were born. But then I think most people say this or at least think it at some point!

Just laughed so hard I spat tea all over my keyboard at work! Thanks for brightening my day girls!

well I had a very long labour and in the middle of the night I decided to go for a walk. I had had pethadine and was really high and euphoric on it. The midwife said I could walk around the corridors but I gave her the slip and walked out of the hospital in my nightie. I walked around the streets in bare feet stopping every couple of minutes with a contraction. It's lucky I didn't get lost...

With DS1 I was going to have an emergency c-section, because the baby was in distress. They put the needle in my back and this tube came over the shoulder but before they attached anything they couldn't hear the babies heartbeat anymore. (was fine, the thing just moved) Anyway the doctor came in with the forceps and gave me an episiotomy first. (remember no gas and air and the epidural was forgotten about) I was screaming and just before she used the forceps DP started saying: Jeez, would you look at that! They're like salad scoops. They're never going to fit up there! That's horrible!
So, I told him to f*K off and stop talking as he was making me feel sick. And guess what he said..... AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT!!!!
(I'd bloody rather see it than feel it though)

Had agonising back pain, so ordered my DP to go and buy me a hot-water bottle while I was in labour at home (had been sent home by the hospital as wasn't very far along)...he came back after an hour apologising profusely as almost noone seemed to have any (not surprising in August really), but he'd managed to find one in Argos...was fluffy, pink and has PLAYBOY written across in in big letters and a playboy bunny on it.

In the throes of transition and 2nd stage pushing. Had been unable to talk or look at anyone for the previous 10 minutes and was making some very primal moooing noises when I had a sudden and very urgent need for chocolate. I kneeled upright and said "I need chocolate - NOW!!" My daughter brought me maltesers and I patiently waited with my mouth open for DH to open the packet and pop one in for me. He got one out of the packet, went to put it in my mouth, laughed and then put it in his own mouth - [hmmm] Man with a death wish?? You'd think that by the third child he'd have realised NEVER to mess with a woman in second stage of labour!

With DS1, phoning hospital to ask when I should go in.
MW how far apart are the contractions?
ME 4 mins.
MW come in now then.
ME ooh, I cant do that, I'm going in the bath.

Couldnt find the camera, so DH parked in town and went off to buy one.(leaving me huffing and puffing in the car for 20 mins while he considered his purchase - to be fair though, it was a very nice camera!)
Couldnt find labour ward, so wandering about til my friends brother who is a porter in hospital found me and took us there.

DH saying as I was pushing, 'Go on girl, give it some welly' (a la del boy). I tried to get up mid-push to punch him.

DS2, 1/2 hour after diamorphine, 'DH, I'm off my fucking tits!'
MW grinned and said, 'just enjoy it love'
Pushing with DS2, MW said, 'blimey, have you still got a contraction?' I said 'NO, but this little bugger is coming NOW whether he wants to or not' (2nd stage 9 mins )

After 1st stage induction stage (gel) I said ' I think my waters have broken'. MW "No I think you're just a bit sweaty" (ummmm never spurted with sweat before!).

On the obs/gyne ward being induced, another MW: "I think we'd better get you to the delivery floor, It would probably be easiest if you run there between contractions".

This thread is great! I'm struggling to think of anything funny to say about dd's birth, but i did have a great experience as a birth partner for a dear friend, up north back in 1991.

Friend was a young hippy. Her dh had put his back out pretty seriously the week before. So when we got into labour room we pushed the bed to the side (quite a radical act back then) and everyone got on the floor. Friend wanted me to massage her bottom - for HOURS - and hold hot sponges onto her fanjo. Friend's dh decided his pain also needed attention, so pulled down his trousers and between her contractions I massaged his bum too. (I know, I know, it just felt rude to refuse.) Oh, and then we were joined by friend's mother, uninvited, who had heard I was going to be there and felt she had to turn up to protect her daughter's honour (because I'm gay). She sat on the bed eating her way through a vast tupperware box of egg sandwiches, hurling abuse at me and her son-in-law.

The midwives left us to it, though at one stage one brought her mate to the door to take a look at us: "I reckon this lot are giving birth to a Martian", she said, within earshot.

I have never worked so hard in my chuffing life. It felt like I was birth partner to two people at once. Oh, and friend's dh also used her G&A throughout...

Bump! This thread is great!! Have PMSL reading it!!!! Please keep it going!!

Many, many things.....:

• When my first MW (lovely woman) went for her break another MW (total witch) replaced her. I was naked from the waist down and had adopted doggy-style position. She must have been offended by my massive piles because she kept draping a bedsheet over my arse. I kept brushing it off, but she wouldn't take the hint! I was in immense pain and moaning a lot, she said "Well start thinking about pain relief because it's going to get a lot worse". At this point I said "When will the other MW be back?"!!!!!
• When I was struggling to push DD out, MW (the nice one) asked if i thought it would help to see what was going on in a mirror. I said I'd give it a go and was expecting a large handmirror or something. She went into a cupboard and wheeled out a full length dress mirror. I thought this was hilarious and said it made it all a bit too graphic for me!
• The shocked expression on DD face when she slithered out onto the bed!
• When asking what sex we'd got, DD was presented to me and I was so high from the morphine/gas and air and she was so swollen that I couldn't figure it out!!!