Page 19 | Funniest bit of childbirth

rachelhill · 2007-01-12T15:53:53+00:00

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in *proper* labour. Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck. Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Northumberlandlass · 09/09/2008 08:16

I zoned out and wen 'into' myself when I was in the very last stages of labour (MW said I was around 9cm dilated). I was standing up leaning forward on the bed, resting my head on my arms. In my head, I was singing show tunes, well one to be specific - 'When you're good to Mama' from Chicago. My midwife turned the lights down in the room and there was silence.

SO I THOUGHT - it turns out that I was actually singing out loud and wiggling my bum at the same time.... apparently my MW and DH were quite anmused !

reban · 09/09/2008 18:13

The hospital bed actually jumping when my waters exploded with both dc2 and dc3 and soaked midwives both times!

LadySweet · 09/09/2008 20:08

Midwife broke my waters and after a few minutes she said something like "ok thats it" to which I replied "Oh, is the baby here"; didnt know she was referring to the waters stopping .

Snufflebufty · 09/09/2008 22:04

crying with laughter here!!!

Shouting at OH that my bum had been hanging out the side of the bed (couldnt feel anything cos of the epidural) and OH politely telling me that my bum hanging out was the least of my worries after having the entire maternity ward see me with my feet in stirrups!!

One of the surgeons came to speak to me about my emergency section they were about to perform and all I could think about was how lovely her eye makeup was! Once in theatre, was lying there watching everyone run about getting things ready and saw someone come out with a rectangle thing. Thought this was maybe the screen they would put up in front of me so I couldnt see. Only to realise it was a step for the surgeon to stand on as she was only about 4ft tall.

ilovetochat · 09/09/2008 22:29

after 17 hours of early labour i told dp i was ready to go to hospital, he said i'll just get the bag and rushed off, he was soon back with his cool bag full of sandwiches and snacks incase he got hungry.
During pushing i was going silent/still/eyes shut between contractions to regain energy and dp said to mw has she gone to sleep? DD was born 5 mins later.
As head started to show (with a mop of black hair) dp said looks like we are having a tomcat.

Beans33 · 10/09/2008 12:16

I'm only preggy with first baby, but when my sister had an epidural, she was bursting for a pee. So they brought over a tray for her to use and she said she had the best pee of her life, including a big shudder afterwards. When she said she'd finished, they took away the tray and it was completely empty! She'd done nada.

ajm200 · 12/09/2008 13:26

I told the MW that I would not be pushing my baby out until I'd had some toast and butter as I was starving. She gave in eventually, handed the toast to hubby on a tray with a kidney shaped dish and said to me, eat it up then be kind enough to vomit in there and not on my shoes, there's a love.

I ate the toast, puked as predicted and she said, now we've got that over and done with shall we continue.. with a big grin on her face.

I had an EPI so don't have the excuse of being drugged out..

wasabipeanut · 12/09/2008 13:33

After taking my first huge lug of gas and air I told my DH and midwife that it was shite and didn't work then collapsed on to DH giggling like a maniac.

poisondwarf · 13/09/2008 14:30

Umlellala - thanks ever so much for your kind offer (isn't MN lovely sometimes?). Would love to try out your slings - it would be great if we could meet up with Effie at the same time (I'm assuming you know each other) and have a mini sling-fest. Perhaps I could come up round your way one weekend - I think I'll be around the weekend after next (around 27th Sept) and possibly the weekend after. I will be having quite a few days off during October as well if weekdays are better, although probably not Wednesdays (which is when Effie is off I believe).

rosmerta meant to say ages ago, thanks for the tip on buggy boards - I didn't know you could get sit-down ones (but then I do walk round with my eyes shut) but yeah it does sound like it might be a bit awkward if you're a long way from the pram (especially if you're a shortarse like me). I shall have to keep my eyes peeled - let us know if you come across any really good ones.

kmp1 - no, the meet-up is still next Friday (19th). I've probably confused things by trying to get the ball rolling for the one after that. For anyone who's missed it, the link to the meet-up thread is here.

LadyT what a nightmare having to go into the office next week when you're all psyched up to go on leave - I'd be gutted. Not that I'm offering you sympathy or anything, what with having 2 months to go myself... Hope your dinner party wasn't too taxing, especially as you didn't have the option of drinking yourself into oblivion.

Speaking of drinking, I don't have it at home or anything but if I'm at a gathering I'll have a couple, mostly spaced out. I think actually the most I've drunk in one go this pregnancy is probably at our meet-up. I was quite quite poorly on the way home ...

poisondwarf · 13/09/2008 15:22

oops sorry, totally wrong thread! great thread by the way.

actually, while I'm here (haven't read the whole thread so this might be quite similar to others) ...

needed to go to the loo during the earlier stages of labour at home but couldn't manage it, even though I was quite conscious that it would all have to come out before the baby did. Consequently by the time I got to hospital I had a rather large present for DH and the midwife - mw was to be heard muttering about the lack of ventilation in the room and hadn't I tried to go earlier? Needless to say, I couldn't give a monkeys. Shortly after I had emptied my bowels copiously on the table, I did the tiniest of burps and put my hand to my mouth ever so daintily. Ooh, pardon me I said in my most ladylike voice.

MoccaMint · 01/10/2008 23:48

please please please add some more!

vizbizz · 02/10/2008 01:58

after delivery while still waiting to be stitched up dh says I think I'll go home now, I'm really tired. he says this to me after 2 nights of no sleep (he'd slept) and having my bits torn to pieces and still waiting to have it all stitched up.

Whatever. he forgot he ever said it, and a couple of weeks ago when I reminded him he had the grace the say "did I really say that?" and look very embarrassed

That was as close to funny as anything about that delivery got

Ozziegirly · 02/10/2008 08:30

No story for me, but my Mum tells me that when she was having me (in the days before scans etc) she had been induced and had been trying to give birth for hours in agony.

The trainee midwife came in and realised I was completely bent in half inside and would never have been able to be born without assistance. So they called the surgeon in to do a c-section (this was a quaint local hospital without full time surgeons!), who rushed in from a black tie do, in full evening dress. My dad apparently commented "well, it was nice of her to dress up for the occasion".

Then my mum came round from the c-section, and said to my Dad "I've got to have a c-section" and he responded "you already have, we've got a daughter".

And then apparently cried all the way home and still tells me now it was the best day of his life.

zookeeper · 02/10/2008 08:31

offering my fanjo up for inspection to a very embarrassed male cleaner

notcitrus · 02/10/2008 13:46

Midwife assessing me for check-in: Congratulations, you are definitely in labour!
Me: No shit, Sherlock!
MrNC: [huge embarrassment]

30 hours later in theatre being prepped for ventouse and probable cs (but cs not needed, yay!)
Anaethetist asked what name we'd picked, and then cracked up laughing. he said "You know the name of the guy who did your epidural last night? He'll be so chuffed!" had to admit to having the name already.

One push and pull of ventouse and everyone screams 'it's a head!' i refused to believe them until i saw the reflection in the light above. even when he popped out in 3 more pushes, i was insistent i hadn't given birth and this baby must have been hidden under the table. MrNC swore blind there were no babies hidden in the theatre when we went in. Fortunately i fugured he was a lovely baby and i'd have him anyway!

next day, mrnc suggested i close the curtains before changing. i pointed out half the hospital had seen my arse already. he argued, 'not quite half'. i replied that was only because it was a huge hospital, and over 100 staff had seen my arse already! i think he closed them...

biscuitbarrel · 06/10/2008 02:33

Getting stuck on the loo during contractions- they were coming too fast for me to have a moment to get up and into the pool. Cue my mother, very politely suggesting that this was not where she had envisaged the baby being born and would I please move sharpish?

tostaky · 06/10/2008 07:51

lol These are too funny!! I'm tempted to print them and read them while I am in labour... in a few weeks time...!

AnnVan · 06/10/2008 19:01

DS born just three weeks ago. He wasn't breathing when he came out, so had three peadiatricians to get him going. I was off my face on G&A (lovely stuff) and after he was breathing saw him across the room, and said (to room of shocked people) 'he's so ugly, but in a cute ET sort of way' To be fair he was blue and wrinkly with huge eyes.

emskaboo · 06/10/2008 19:27

I had a very quick labour, was five cm when I got to the hospital after an hour I said I neded to push and the Mw said I wasn't ready, I growled I bloody was, she checked and said 'your cervix has gone' and I off my face on Gas and Air said, 'well it has got to be there somewhere it is a dead end you know' I didn't realise she meant I was fully dilated, cue Mw and DH falling about giggling!

RuthChan · 07/10/2008 07:55

I was in the last stages of labour when the doctor and midwife told me that I could see the head.
I insisted that I couldn't see it.
We argued about this for a moment with them insisting that I could and me insisting that I couldn't.

Then they told me that if I actually opened my eyes I would be able to see it.

I honestly felt that there was far too much sensory information entering my head at that particular time and that if I opened my eyes and added visual information to it all then my brain would surely explode.

Needless to say, I didn't open my eyes and I didn't see DD's head, or any other part of her, until she was actually handed to me.

SamJohnsMum · 07/10/2008 09:23

It could be DH saying "sure, just a minute" and taking a huge gulp of G&A when I asked for it - I was already having the contraction!!

Or, it could be when DH hit his funny bone on something in the delivery suite and said "God, that hurts". I had been in active labour for 5 hours I think at this point and I just looked at him.

Bless him, he was wonderful though!!

cyteen · 07/10/2008 09:33

Whilst being stitched up post-birth, responding to the doctor's cheery enquiry of "How is that?" with "Fine, how is it for you?"

AuntyVi · 07/10/2008 10:34

Spent most of the first night sitting in a hot bath as night MW wouldn't let me go into hosp until contractions were more regular (which they never did get, not even after syntocin and right up to eventual C-section, grrr...). DH was meant to be timing contractions but was so tired he lay on the floor by the bath with pen and paper, slept for 7-8 mins and then I woke him when each contraction started... he would sit up, put a mark on his piece of paper then go straight back to sleep till the next one!
Also funny with hindsight, but not at the time... at one stage he asked if I would let him go to bed for a bit while I sat in the bath, and as not much was happening anyway I said OK - he said "if you need anything just shout and I'll get up", and we left both doors open so he could hear me. After 2 hours, wanted to phone the hospital to see if the MW would let us go in yet; so I shouted down the hall for him. No reply. Shouted again. No answer. Didn't want to get out of the bath as a) it would hurt more without all the hot water and b) waters would leak everywhere again... Cue lots of lying in bath yelling "ing DH, will you ing wake up now you **er" and similar nice phrases, at top of voice, at 3am... no idea what the neighbours made of it! He STILL didn't wake up though, so eventually had to resort to throwing everything I could find (soap, rubber duck,...!) down the hall to hit the door next to the bedroom, in the hope that would wake him up... Still no answer, then soon after he woke up by himself - came wandering down the hall saying "how are you getting on" or something, GRRR! But I can still tease him about it now.

ukrainianmum · 07/10/2008 11:00

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"

ukrainianmum · 07/10/2008 11:00

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"