Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Shouting out 'quick, something's exploded!' as my waters broke (just before the pushing stage-it hadn't ocurred to me throughout the rest of the labour that they hadn't gone)

My husband asking which way to put on the hospital gown and whether or not he needed to take his clothes off just before they wheeled me to theatre for a rapid ventouse delivery. Well it was our first baby and we were both clueless and distressed after a long labour.......!!

I had a home birth with dd2, and about 3 pushes from the end my then-FIL telephoned to ask for the postcode so he could send flowers. My Xp covered the receiver with his hand and asked if I could remember it..."Erm, I'm in the middle of something, can I have a think later dear?" Or words to that effect, But a bit ruder...

bump

The surgeon holding DD up so that we could see what sex she was and DH saying, "It's a boy." I just smiled and saind, "No it's not - it's a girl! That's the umbilical cord."

He still claims that she looked like she had a pair of balls 'cause she was so swollen.

Having been induced my contractions were coming fast and were so painful I rang for the midwife. she returned with paracatomol and i screamed 'I havent got a f headache'

me shouting at the top of my voice just as I was getting the urge to push, "I'm going to get piles".....

Unfortunately for me someone was just coming into the room as I said it and so the door was opened and my words floated down the corridor

Apparently I was telling the aneathatist off .. Say ouch.. do you mind! your hurting me!
Dh said she wasnt impressed.

Also seeing DHs face when given a pair of white wellybos to wear into theatre.. He soon realsied why he needed them![Blush]

And hearing him on the phone to people after the birth discribing it as "Carnage and a Bloodbath!" Yeah thanks for that !

I was induced. When the mw inserted the first pessary, dh and I trying not to piss ourselves laughing as she looked like she was fisting me at high speed! (the 2nd pessary wasnt quite as funny).

DD's heart rate was all over the place. They had to get the registrars involved and one of them, a nice looking young dr, who was sticking sticks and god knows what else up my fanjo (had to take blod from dd's head before she was born) - well, when I heard his surname (unusual one) and I asked him if he was related to my friend - yup, her cousin.
If anyone had told me before the birth that friend's fit cousin ws going to to have his hands where the sun don't shine more times than dh, I would have run a mile!!! At the time, I was chatting away about my friend while he had his whole hand (and probably legs too) up my front bottom!

Highly medicalised birth in Thailand.

After epidural, can't feel anything at all, obstetrician says to push on three, dp is holding my hand, trying to concentrate cos I really can't feel anything.

Obs says 1, 2, 3

All the nurses - and there were about 6 of them, I kid you not - break into a high-pitched nnnnnggggggnnnnnnngggggggggng noise form various spots around the delivery room.

I hold it together for about 10 seconds before pmsl. Dp and my lovely western doula friend slightly giggly too.

Lots of narrowed eyes from the nurses as we should be taking this all more seriously. Apparently it was a very freaky ladylike pushing noise they were making

Repeat 3 times, after which I had to beg them for mercy tell them politely that I could push by myself, thanks all the same

the look on the window cleaners face outside the window as I was leaning over the bed with my knickers off and skirt round my waist having contractions !

having to hold my nose when I was pushing dd out
don't ask me why it just seemed to help

I was given a couple of jabs after DS ECS, can't even remember what they were for now...anyway, I had to have two in my leg.

The injection was so bloody painful I caused a really big fuss, I was convinced she was putting it in the wrong place and got really cross with her...she then asked a bit sarcastically what I wanted to do about the second injection - without thinking I said "find someone else to give it to me?"

She disappeared for about ten minutes but then did come back and administered the second jab in my arm.

I was horrified at how rude I'd been at the time but think its funny now.

DS1 wasn't funny at all

DS2 was brilliant, funniest bit was mw ripping my knickers off because he decided to crown at a moments notice took us all by surprise as I;d only rolled over to get comfy...I wailed don't ruin me pants

No one before or unfortunately since has ripped my knickers off I live in hope...

this is such a funny thread. me and my dp pissed ourselves though most of my labour, it began with the G&A, i was high as a kite. i was sucking on 'ducky' (as i christened the mouthpeice) for dear life and waiting for the birthing pool to be ready, when i asked my MW if i could still have G&A in the pool. i could have sworn she breezily replied, 'you can have it in your ears in your eyes and up your arse if that's where you want it!'...and dp confirms that is exactly what she did say! also when dd about to be delivered, one of the students trying to be nice said,'do yuo know what you're having?' to which i snarled 'i hope it's a fucking baby!!'

Whilst the mw was breaking my waters (in established labour 8 cm gone but waters still intact for some reason) actually with the crochet hook in there, there was a knock on the door.
MW1 says mmm can you give me a minute, I'm a little busy right now
Me
Contraction
MW2
It's just we need the keys to the drug cabinet
MW2
Oh they're in my pocket
Me
Contraction
MW2
Comes in and fishes them out of M1's pocket
Then leaves

We all burst out laughing

Also as labour stopped for a while I got up and was walking about and came across Gary Newman who was visiting someone (his wife?) on the labour ward
V weird and I have witnesses so not a hallucination!

My DP foned the hospital, i'd been having contractions for 5hours, tells them that we'll we b coming in shortly.
MW on fone says - Has she had a show?
DP says no, she doesnt think so.
MW says - well she can't be in labour, she should have had a show. Tell her to put on a pad.
Me telling DP - tell her to F ~ OFF!!
MW says - have a paracetamol, she'll be fine
We arrive at hospital half an hour later - to meet the lovely MW on the phone. Who examined me to discover that i was 6cm dilated!! DP, very angry at how she was on fone, says to her, how can that be?? I thought u said she wasnt in labour

She apologised and disappeared very quickly

Didn't have a very funny labour (failed induction), but I do remember two things -

The utterly bizarre sight of a crib in the labour ward room 'I'm not leaving this room with an actual baby, am I?!' - turns out I was partially right anyway, and

Just about passing out on gas and air and realising that when folks faint on the TV they do a good job of portraying what it feels like. The darkness closed in and the voices got quieter.... Anaesthestist prepping me for a spinal asked 'is she ok?' and I muster all the energy I have left to be coherent and say 'you're all very far away.....'

oh, and the knowing look on the midwife's face when I puked up a bottle of Lucozade sport after downing it while I had my waters boken claiming to be starving.

With dtwins - the anaesthetist saying 'have you stopped swearing now?' I was merely expressing my strong desire not to do it without drugs again.

The male midwife saying I wasn't in labour and me giving birth to twins 2 hrs later.

My waters breaking in the consultant's face.

The aforementioned anaes saying about dd1's name 'you do realise that's a tranvestite's and a showgirl's name?'

Ds1's birth - not amusing at the time, but afterwards I heard dh saying 'the delivery room resembled the deck of a whaling ship'
and he swears I said the student could come in only if he didn't look at my bottem!

Lola?

Yes Bobz - one of the more slagged off names on mnet babynames section, but as i said at the time I'm hoping for a showgirl

I bit the doula's hand

i thought it was mine
she was saying "no biting! stop!" and i was thinking "fgs i will bite my hand if i want to" (gas and air had run out)

only much later i realised it had been HER hand

oh and i said i felt like Dennis Hopper when i started on the gas and air
complete incomprehension from doula and dp