Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

I had a very quick labour and after lying on the bed for about 5 minutes I had to shout to my husband and the midwife that the baby's head was out!! The midwife freaked as she was just washing her hands...while the hubbie was struggling to put my case up on the windowsill....when I got their attention I then shouted "ohhh noooo...its away back in again..." Of course it WASNT.....but it felt like it was at the time....baby was born a push and a half later!!!!

Ha ha - what a wonderful thread. On the way to the hospital for the birth of DD, I told my husband (apparently!), that my code word for "give me drugs" was "lovecats" (I don't know why either.

Apparently, during labour, I had a right old go at him (when it was too late to take anything else apart from g&a) for making me forget the code word. Something along the lines of, "you silly bastard".

Also, when the lovely MW was stitching my fandango, she stitched a bit where the anasthetic hadn't reached resulting in quite the yelp from me. Halfway through her doing the stitches, I got my revenge. Despite desperately trying to hold it in, I advised her that I was about to blow off and did so right in her face .

When we got the hospital, my contractions were about 2 mins apart. DH suggested that he drop me off at reception and he would go and park. I did not like this idea at all and so spent 10 mins getting across the car park leaning on cars, walls, bollards etc as I was having contractions. I got into the reception, frantically looked around apparently and saw a wall-mounted phone. I suspect it's no longer wall mounted as I grabbed it and roared with my contraction putting all of my weight on it. It's amazing how quickly a porter arrives when such a thing happens....

There are some brilliant stories on here!

My DP spent the day that I was in labour at home playing Mario Karts and occasionally giving me a hand to hold between races

When we were at the hospital I spent a good few hours thinking about Emmerdale Farm while having very regular contractions. I don't even watch Emmerdale...

my husband decided to brush my hair i had asked him for a wet flannel across my forehead to cool me down and he did that fine but then he got the hairbrush out and started brushing my hair -this all whilst pushing -i said what are you doing he said just tying to make your hair nice it was very stressful in the end he actually hid behind a newspaper cos it got quite hairy in the end but even now i giggle at his jack dee moment.

walking into the delivery room with my ok magazine,( thought i have time to read it ) only to be told i was 10cm, 5 mins and 2 pushed later ds2 was here.
ps i love the way you all call it 'fanjo'

I love this thread, humour in adversity! Fanjo cracks me up too m2t.

Haven't had time to read all but will do over next day or so...

on penultimate push I scream "get it out of me.." with venom beyond belief.. Midwife says, "he's not quite ready..." I with utter mild and meakness say "oh, ok we'll wait a bit then".

Dh face when we had no petrol in the car on the way to hospital!!

"At my sisters birth her DS was breech, so a consultant was called into the room. She'd just been given Pethidine and as he peered up her fanjo she looked down and said is that your face or a mirror? I cried with laughter as the doctor really did have a 'bum face'. Have you seen the south park with the boy with an arse for a head? We were both crying hysterically and couldn't stop. they must have thought we were psychos."

Tears are pouring!!!!!

with dd...... the deranged stray cat who'd moved in during my pregnancy lying on my chest while i was having contractions every 2 mins and periodically swatting me in the face when i dared to move

with ds...... after they broke my waters every time i contracted i gushed about 2 litres of fluid onto the floor, the student mw had to follow me around with a mop

also with ds.... myself and the student MW having hysterics laughing at the woman across the hall. she was screaming and roaring as if she was being murdered for hours which we were finding amusing enough when we suddenly heard the MW who was in there shout 'oh for god's sake push woman!'

probably shouldn't laugh but i was on the same ward as here later and my god she was annoying and deserved it!

DP clearing up the bits of poo i was dropping all over the delivery room floor

What a funny thread! My funniest moments are:

With dd1- gently waking DH to tell him we needed to go to the hospital, and watching him run around like Basil Fawlty. He tried to get me to get into the car right away (I wasn't dressed) When I WAS dressed, he discovered that the car doors were frozen shut, cue more Basil Fawlty behaviour, and "you'll just need to get in the boot!"
Having finally defrosted the back door, and esconced on the back seat, in the throes of a major contraction, catch him looking at me in the mirror. "So...do you think this might be it then?" Er, no, I've dragged you out here at 2am in freezing fog for a trial run, mate!! What do you think?!
During transition, trying to escape through the air vents, and trying to explain to DH through gritted teeth where I was going "Don't tell HER over there! I'm going through the vent!" "You're going WHERE?" "Shhhhh!"
After lots more G&A, telling the midwife I loved her, she was like my Auntie

With dd2, funniest moment was in the pool, contractions coming thick and fast. I'm sucking down the G&A, trying to be brave. DH is looking at me closely. I think he must be thinking about the pain I am in, and how well I am coping. He says " You should see your hair- it's gone all Monica!" and carcs himself laughing.
After yet more of the lovely G&A, the mw closes the net curtain, and I believe I have gone blind and start shouting such to everyone in a wild panic. They all start to panic, just as I realise my mistake, only now I can't speak for laughing. I still don't understand why they didn't see the funny side!
Also with dd2, I had seen fit to write an amusing birth plan, citing George Clooney as my preffered birth partner, so lots of random mw's came to laugh at me and ask me where George was.

With ds (third and final!) my highlight was deciding I had had enough just as the head crowned, and NOTHING would persuade me otherwise. "I AM NOT DOING IT ANYMORE, OK?" "But you have to, honey" "YOU DO IT THEN, IF YOU'RE SO SMART! I'VE DONE IT BLOODY TWICE ALREADY, AND I AM NOT DOING IT ANY MORE. SUE ME!" Don't you hate the way you're freedom to choose gets disregarded?

When having ds I was in labour for 3 days and they wouldn't let me home as I had an infection. On day 1 1/2 I was told I had only reached 3cm dialated and my BF and DH sat up straight and said 'WHAT YOU ARE HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH!' at the top of their voices.
The first time the mw came into the room to do an examination she said 'Well done you only have one stretch mark' to which I sat bolt upright forgetting any pain I was in and said 'where get me a mirror I want to see' Apparantly DH had spotted it about 2 weeks before and was too scared to tell me.
When the anesthesist came into the room to do my epidural he was a lovely man who had just started working in our hospital after coming over from Poland. He asked me to tell him when I was having a construction and we were all like wtf so there I am on my bed ready for the needle shouting at the top of my voice 'I am having a construction' as I was too scared to call them contractions in case he didn't realise what I meant when he turned around and said Mrs X I am all the way over by the window how long do you think the needle is!
Although the funniest bit has to be when me and my BF went into surgery as they thought I was going to have an emergency cs they gave me 1 more push and I delivered my ds but as I was numbed from shoulder down I didn't realise he had been born so carried on with the conversation I was having with my friend when the Dr said 'Excuse me ladies he is here!'
It was the longest and most fun 3 days I have ever had, I am due in 6 weeks and hope this time will be just as fun if not a bit quicker!
Love the thread btw!

My dh switched on the telly while in labour with ds -I looked up after taking a good intake of gas and air and saw that the animals where talking at me.
'F**k me i'm hallucinating, the animals are talking to me' to which my husband replied -'thats because its Dr Dolittle!'
At which point I pmsl so hard my waters broke!

Just reading stories on here absolutely hysterical!!!

OFSTED- Did u say ur Boyfriend and Darling Husband? I havent seen that BF before LOL.

My DH telling me to take the entonox tube out in between contraction and my reply..

"there is no f*ing in between!

Oh, also my MIL phoning my mum and telling her that her DS shouldn't be at the birth because he would be 'mentally damaged' by the experience!!!

OOPS I thought BF meant Best Friend (brain turned to mush through pregnancy emotion!)

jooly, I'm laughing hysterically at the net curtain blindness...LOL!!!

Watching childbirth videos before and thinkning "Oh yes, that's how I'm going to do it. I will breathe my baby out"

Yeah right - deluded

i was in the birthing pool but got too hot so decided to get out and go back on the tens machine for a bit. Hubby was just linking me up when i doubled over with worst contraction yet and in his hurry to get the machine working managed to turn the dial ALL the way up and hit me with what felt like the electric charge of the entire town. I yelled louder and swore more at that point than at any time during my day and a bit labour.

I did get my revenge by getting him in a headlock as ds was crowning tho'

Toomuch - I was expecting some kind of water and electricity don't mix type of story there!

Me too phoebe...lol!!!

3am in the morning - I was walking around during contractions and DP decided that, been as the bed was free, he'd have a little nap

MW came in, examined and told me I was full dilated - I demanded gas and air (there's was no way I was going to do it with no drugs at all - I've paid my NI, I wanted free drugs). Midwife boomed at DP "Oi, Mr Tilly, wake up and get off the bloody bed, you're wife is about to have a baby". DP was fast asleep, jumped up suddenly, fell off the bed - full comedy style. I couldn't stop laughing

I pushed for 2 and half hours but was holding back (was paranoid about poo'ing myself ). Midwifes were shouting at me "You're not pushing".. "I am fucking pushing"

These are great - make me much less nervous!

No story myself yet but my sis was off her face on pethidine during birth. She alternated sleeping between contractions and talking utter crap - also spent half an hour asking about a woman screaming on the other side of the corridor 'how many is she f?*ing having?!' - eventually the midwife actually went and asked cos sis wouldn't let up. The one and only time she got away with swearing in front of my mum!

She also had to be introduced to her midwife on the way out of the hospital becasue she was so stoned during the birth she didn't remember her!