Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Lying in styrrups after the birth of DD1 and listening to the midwife complimenting the doctor on the nice job she was doing of stitching my bits back up.. and the docs reply,
'thankyou, my hobby IS cross-stitch'!!!!!

I had visions of finding a cute teddy stitched int my bits!!!:O

Julesx

After delivery i must have dozed off waiting to be stitched.
I woke, my legs in stirrups put my hands down my side and the lower half of the bed had vanished, i really did actually think i was floating, the next time i woke up ( still in stirrups) a little head with jet black hair and square black glasses smiled up at me from down below - i was being stitched, he was on one of those hairdressers wheely stools.
I guess i must have had a lot of gas and air lol.

LOL, ringing the station would have been such a better idea! It just seemed easier at the time to run out and bring him back. The fact I was in nightgown and flip flops and it was Monday morning rush our at a London Underground tube station and I wasn't wearing knickers and my waters were breaking didn't really seem to effect my decision!

This is making me feel so much better about labour! Thank you xx

I realised that having a wee whilst contracting really helped.

made a bit of a mess though

I'm not due to give birth until next week so these stories are my mums from when she had us more than 25 years ago.

DD1 (me): forcep delivery, back to back baby, extremely painful. Afterwards she was stitched by a black man who ate an orange the entire time and took his time admiring his work "mmmm, very nice..."

DD2 (my sis): very quick birth in comparison. she didn't believe she was really in labour due to the pain she'd had with me. They said "very soon" but she reckoned she still had time for something to eat so stopped the food trolley for bangers and mash. 20 minutes later - projectile vomiting and the other thing too...poor midwife was almost in tears due to the mess all over the bed. Doctor poked his head around the curtain "is it safe yet?" Sister was born 15 minutes later.

Oh yeah and my sister was a big girl (10lbs), and totally bald. My gran's first words upon seeing her: "you've given birth to a bloody football"

My sis is now a skinny size 8.

oh and whenever my sister gets on my nerves, I love to remind her that she was born on a sh*t covered bed...

these are brilliant!!! well done ladies. here's my offerings

dd1 - went in to be induced and they set me off. couple of paracetamol and tens machine but said to mw - am sorry to bother you but am getting a bit uncomfortable, so while she tells me to hop up onto bed my waters break in massive gush everywhere and keep going forever - I stood there crying over poor auxiliary who was trying to clean it up begging her to give me the mop as 'I'm normally so houseproud'?!?

gave me gas and air and told me was being moved to delivery suite - I refused to go as gad and air attached to wall, fought with them like a junkie until they bribed me by telling me stuff in delivery suite was much better and they would run inbetween contractions to get me there - very obliging

dh arrived, I dutifully inform him am sorry but I've had too much to drink and smoked one too many joints and could they turn the lights down as am trying to dance in the students union?!?

labour goes on for hours and chief/head/big wig consultant eventually comes in to see me during countdown at 4pm - I tell him to politely go away as have got the best score ever and am going to show that smug cow carol how its done

was told epidural couldn't be imminent as anethasist was going off shift - told them to bring her to me or would send the f*cking police to drag her back from house - I work in the police control room but even I'm not so sure one of the cops would have done that for me!!!

eventually taken into theatre with trauma team etc - someone comes in from shouting about some woman next door who is having a cardiac arrest. I duely announce - tough shite, I've been here longer someone f*cking finish me off

10lb4 dd eventually delivered and handed to dh as I was still shaking puking etc and needed hrs of stitching. He's sits holding her and after 10 minutes announces 'god she's heavy - my arms hurt'
I swear I love my dh but if I had one ounce of energy left in my body I would have got up off the bed and killed him for that comment!!!

LOL

Well, I had my baby on Wednesday morning just there and none of the pain relief options were working properly.

Doc sked me what I wanted him to do, (he was considering forceps and poss CS and needed my permission). DH and my mum insist that I told him to "pull her out by her f*cking ears" but I don't remember!

Also, they tell me I kept calling the doctor "mr Tardis" (yes I am a Doctor Who fan!)

And I told the doctor I loved him when I got my spinal block. Pure bliss!

annieapple7 - that's hillarious!! Major Lol!! Can relate to that tho as all my pain was in my back and 'poo chute'. I kept insisting I needed to poo and the MW insisted I didn't. I was so nervous of pooing while giving birth but turns out she was right - DD was pressing on the back passage!! (It still amuses me how you become so talkative about your bowels with a complete stranger!!)

My dd's birth brought out the polite englishness in me!

On the gas & air and pethidine; they were trying to get a drip in to me but my veins weren't playing so i had loads of cotton wool balls taped over the punctures in both my hands & wrists. I'd gone into a crazy world in my head and wen I came back to planet labour ward i said (in a pathetic high squeaky voice) "Oh, it's snowing"

Well it was a christmas birth!!

And lastly - my friend, now preg with 1st baby was asking labour q's. She was highly amused when she asked if it's really embarrassing going for a stretch and sweep at 40+ wks and I said "I went in to the MW's room with my pants and trousers already round my ankles and told her to give it some!!" I think by that time you are past caring!!

Oh Kizzib - congratulations!! Did you have a boy or girl?? Well done you!

I'd love to work on a labour ward! I told my midwife they should keep a book of amusing things women do / say in labour if they don't already.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this thread.

DH is scared i'll go into labour cos i'm laughing so hard.

Thank you all for your stories.

going into theatre and having a spinal block so they needed to drain my bladder. Think hte gas and air had convinced me i was a comedian cos when i saw how much was coming out i said 'ooh i'm like hte co-op horse!' The look of embarassment on my husbands face is a memory i'll treasure forever!

After 50odd hours of labour, reaching 10cm and baby getting stuck I had to go for an emergency section

As instructed I was leaning forward sitting for my spinal on the edge of the theatre bed with the anaesthetist (sp?) saying "keep still. You must keep still. Kepp still. Can you keep still."

I really was trying so just started weeping , was knackered and in agony and whispered I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD GIRL.

The poor guy was like oh honey I know you are! Youre doing great! And stayed the full time and even came to see me in the ward.

I think I made him feel terrible

oh, and having removed my tens machine and started on gas and air, turning round to see where dh was and finding that he was already wearing the tens and fiddling round with the buttons to try and stop his back aching. He even had the midwife helping him to stick the pads on with surgical tape!! Didn't go down well needless to say...

In the delivery room,my dh was on his knees, helping me clamber into my elephant sized pants and with an audible 'pop!' my waters broke all over his trousers, and the floor.

after trying the gas and air for the first time(having been warned its like being really drunk) totally high on it

'THASS NOT LOIKE BEING DRUNK, THASSS LOIKE BEING STOOOOONED'

MW and dh in hysterics
and then later on when I was brandishing the gas and air thingy at dh and shouting
'You have some, its great!!'
he was saying 'no, its all right, you have it'
I was shouting' you must be reeeeeaaallly bored, go ooon try it'

People have funny memories of being in labour? Wow.
Not that I will be having any more to see if I can see the funny side

Barking mad doctor wandering into delivery suite when I was about 8cm dilated saying 'oh, you're the one who is having a boy' and me asking 'what can she see up there' in bemused voice. DD1 born an hour or 2 later.

DH eating a dairy milk chocolate ice cream whilst I was bent over a sick bag for an hour on the hottest day of the year cos I had had too much gas and air. The midwife had given him the ice cream as she was leaving to go on maternity leave that day and I was too polite to push against her for fear of hurting a pregnant woman.

With DD2 asking 'is that the baby' when I heard a cry. 'No it's a bloody cat' says DH. When told it was a much wanted DD I asked 'are you sure' to which Dh remarked, 'I think the doctor may be able to tell the difference, he is a doctor'.

what a fab thread

with dd - they had put me on a ward and told me i was not in labour. at 6am after considering biting the metal bed stead to counteract the pain of my contractions I called the midwife on call on the ward. she came in and I told her i needed drugs and I did not give a damm if i was not in labour! she offered me paracetomol!!! at which point i told her that was not going to cut it!! then i went into another contraction and she realised i was not messing about, examined me and found i was 5cm!!!!

when i was finally giving birth to her with my mom and dh in the room!!! her head crowned and my mom shouted very loudly - oh my god the head is all folded!!! at which point the midwife said yes yes thats normal!

with ds i had a homebirth - i watched sx and the city at the start of my labour and then the music channels but got annoyed at eminem so asked dh to put some music on and he picked hard days night by the beatles!!!!!!!

my mom arrived and i told her to shut up cos she was talking to loud. i also stood in the middle of the room and cried and cried though i could not explain whu - i think it was hormones.

then half way through i said i was hungry and demanded tea and toast which i ate between contractions much to the shock of the m/w

i then demanded that the m/w break my waters - i knew it needed to be done! i told them all very confidently that the bag was strong and thick and would not break on its own and therefore i needed it to be broken. in the end they agreed and after finally having them broken the midwife was very shocked and agreed that it was very tough!!!

i gave birth in the living room wearing a big white voluminous blouse and the midwife commented " I cannot believe she has given birth in her bra"

the best thought was having visitors within hours and pointed to the exact spot - right by the fireplace where it has all taken place.

ummm... when the mw asked dh to remove my piercing!

(i removed it myself between contractions in the end)

i wish they'd told me at the beginning though as I was bearing down at the time.

After 60 odd hours of ineffectual contractions finally agreeing to an induction only to then refuse to let the MW put the drip in, insisting my birth partner should do it instead because "they are good with computers"

i LOVE this thread...

After DD was born, the midwife mopped up the various body fluids with some paper towels and said "Well that wasn't so bad" and gave the paper towels a quick squeeze...
producing a fountain of pink body fluid all over her arms face and uniform!

(Am crying with laughter at this thread)