Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

Being woken from emerg CS, and saying to nurse. "Is this Holby City? Things like this always happen on Holby City". To this day I swear blind I was in Holby.

Every single member of staff coming up to tell me 'well done' on my way out of the ward. I thought they were all very lovely. Until dh, sniggering, told me later I had shouted 'FUCK!' at the top of my voice continuously throughout labour. I had no idea. Think everyone in the bloody hospital wanted to see the mad sweary lady.

Oh, and no-one had told me that when your waters go they might just keep going for ages. So there was I, frantically trying to clean the carpet in our bedroom while constantly leaking... one of the most pointless things I have ever done. Especially as it turns out amniotic fluid doesn't stain or smell - at least not on our carpet, it didn't.

Hysterically funny thread.

I was admitted to hospital when a heart problem just before DS1's birth. Was in the heart ward with lots of old ladies.

Round came the consultant with his student doctors. Asked them to tell him what the problem with me was.

Cue lots of muttering about hearts and valves and needing to monitor the situation.
'Anything else?' he enquires.
No, no, they mutter.
'Shall we ask the lady?' he says, turning to me.
'I'm in labour, you morons' I snarl.
Cue a panicked entourage of student doctors pushing my bed over to the maternity unit.

pmsl at this thread!

I had a home birth, but a whopping PPH and had to be transferred in after. The ambulance arrived with two strapping blokes they took a look at me (I had put on a few, ahem, stone) and scrambled another ambulance to get another two strapping blokes to actually lift me In my defence, there is a long flight of steps and they had to lift me flat to keep enough blood going to my brain. XP used to tell everyone how funny it was.

Having planned a home birth and being a bit of a skinflint and an eco-warrior I didn't go out and buy any nighties and didn't pack a bag either. During labour I'd worn an abaya (black islamic cover-up) that I use as a dressing gown since bringing it back from holiday so that's what I went in wearing. My auntie had sent a present from New Zealand which was a little newborn babygro in designed like an All Blacks rugby shirt and I happily put this on DS on his first morning. A friend who's a MW there said that the gossip amongst the staff had been that I was a satanist as both me and DS were dressed entirely in black plus I was weird enough to have a home birth and the deathly pallor after the PPH just completed the look

Tripping my tits off on the gas and air, I started wittering about the Truth about Why the children sing in the woods (most of my g&a tripping centred on bizarre delusions about my old primary school for some reason). Icould definitely hear children's voices (woooooo!) Then the midwife or maybe my friend saying, it's not hallucinations it's those kids under the window SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SHITS - apparently the local schoolkids liked to hang about outside the labour ward and yowl back as the shrieks emerged from the windows... I also went in for a lot of cod-operatic singing during the early stages, and one of the MWs said it was freaking the other patients. My response was that I'd had to listen to enough other people's shrieks and howls the night before and they could farking lump it.

I had some Kit Kats in my hospital bag for after the birth. DH gave me one with the foil wrapper around the bottom of the wafer so that I wouldn't get chocolate on my fingers. I'd just had a baby, was going to have stiches, bleeding etc and he thought I'd care about getting messy fingers!

I've got this thread on watch so I can find it when I go overdue and laugh myself/PMSL into labour!

this has to be the only thread i've read again and again - it is the funniest thing since this thread!

hehe Only recently found this...

ANY NEW ONES!?

After DS was born (in Germany) legs in stirrups while (dishy) consultant peering at the train wreck that used to be my fanny, he popped out and came back with another doctor. So both of them mutter, mutter muttering to each other about my tear (I only have high school german to rely on) I can hardly follow the conversation when I hear the word 'SPHINCTER' clear as crystal. I just about snapped off DH's fingers I was so worried that my fanny and arse were now ONE. Thankfully the tear wasn't 3rd degree.

Arriving to the same hospital two years later in labour with DD2 kindly midwife handing me a stress-ball for pain relief. I said to DH 'She knows what she can do with that f**king stress-ball', she glared at me very sternly over the top of her clip board. Oops, had forgotten that vast majority of Germans speak perfect english!

Can't blame any of this on G&A as it's not available in Germany, it's not licenced for use and is thought to be unsafe. I have to conceed that they are probably right...not for mother and baby but for the long-suffering maternity staff!!

Have been howling with laughter - I'm due in about 6 weeks and have a pain in my bump I've been laughing so much! Gas and air is the way to go, obviously! Still nervous as hell, mind...

This thread has made me laugh so much.
With dc1 I swore with every contraction, and when pushing shouted 'My fucking arsehole is inside out' (it felt like that, to be fair).
With dc2 jumping around the room like a baboon shouting 'I need to push' and scaring the bejesus out of a med student - it was only her second ever delivery and the midwife had gone off to fill the pool for me (too late).

These are so funny!
In transition with dd2, much to my MW's horror, I suddenly got up and demanded my clothes back, MW tried to explain that I couldn't have the baby with my knickers on, to which my reply was ''ffs I am not having this baby - I remember how much it hurts! I am going home! I don't want a baby now! It's staying where it is, I'll come back another day - if I feel like it!'' After this the MW decided I ought to have some G&A, so I spent the rest of the birth muttering incomprehensibly under my breath and sleeping in-between contractions.

Also, whilst dd2 was in the canal the very polite MW swore. I looked up at her in shock, only to see that she was covered in blood! There was blood splattered everywhere! On all four walls, the floor was soaked, as was the MW (it was even in her mouth and eyes, not just her hair!) I had literally exploded blood during a very strong contraction! I know I should have found it frightening but I couldn't stop laughing! At the time I thought it was hilarious!

I'd been pushing for what seemed like forever and I'd just had enough. I turned round to DP and said 'I'm sorry, I really don't think this is going to work, we'd better go home'. Approx five minutes later, I had a daughter. To DP's credit, he was totally calm about it and just said 'I don't think that's an option at the moment'.

Funniest thing - that the MW refused to believe that I was really in labour and didn't bother to change out of her rather pretty flowery skirt and top before coming to assist me. 45 min labour. Very messy MW!

have only kinda skim read random posts.....but i doo love this kind of thread...thomcat you must be on here soemhwere non ?

second time round...lovely quick labour and easy peasy actual delivery.

me..delirious high as a kite on happy hormones...banging on about how great it was and how fab that i DIDNT POO LIKE LAST TIME'...blah blah and i ''didnt poo like last time''...yeah yeah its a girl blah blah ''and i dint poo like last time''.

eventually got up to 'freshen up'...and my mum and dp pulled ughky faces as teh truth of it dawned on us all.

i then stood like a toddler in teh shower as dp dabbed at me with a flannel.

Beans man - text me, lost your number when I got my new i-phone Seriously text me. And LOL, yes I was on this thread with my "funny" moment

not read the whole thread as very long!

'stopping' for tea and toast about hour before final labour and delivery. Very proper and gentile like, conversing with the midwive and my hubby and doula. Then it was like, ok chaps, lets be getting on with it!

...midwife told me I might as well go on using gas and air while I had my "down below" stitches done as the local anasthetic might not do the whole job. It took the poor obstetrician 30 minutes as it was a big tear and instead of taking the occasional breath of gas and air I breathed it in continuously during this time.
I was off my face by the end and my tongue was so numb I could only say "bluh bluh".
DDs first sight of her mother was me drooling and saying "duh duh blugh duh".

DH then got me a cup of tea and I threw it back up over him...

with my second birth, an elective c-section I had walked down from the maternity ward to the labour ward to wait for dh.

When he arrived and asked where I was he was directed to a room with someone in labour with the name christian name as me. He hurridly apologised and left only for the labour ward staff to do the same thing when my parents arrived!

Poor woman, I felt so sorry for her having complete strangers keep walking in on her.

for some reason, dh managed to take his phone in to the theatre for my cs, as they were making the first incision he got a text from my sister saying "hurry up my dd wants to buy a card but we don't know what type to get yet"

Dh was told to turn his phone off, by an anaesthetist who was texting all the way through the cs.

am embarassed to even write this but....somwhere around 5cm, was heavy on gas and air and initiated bizarre conversations with the midwife. the most bizarre was after telling me he had two dogs and they were like his children, i responded 'oh yeah, well did you have to shoot your children out your ass like I am about to do'?? (reference to the fact that there was a lot of pressure on my um, bottom). unbelievable. dh was mortified and i had to apologize profusely after the whole thing was over!

With DD2, an hour after discovering I had gone from 3-7cm in 2 hours, I started telling the MW i needed to push, so, without even looking, she said
'No you don't, don't be silly you'll wear yourself out'
At which point I turned to DH and announced that I wasn't talking to her anymore, as she was a bitch.
I pushed anyway and burst my waters

MW - As you've probably realised your waters have just broken
Me - No f*cking shit, Sherlock

She handed me over to another MW about 5 minutes later

Then I was giving DD2 skin to skin and feeding her off left breast the (new) MW suggested I swap sides as my arm had gone to sleep, at which point we lifted the towel to discover my boob, side and legs on that side completely covered in meconium...and it's a bugger to get off!

Whilst under influence of gas and air with dd1 having to desperately bite my tongue to stop myself saying "So I suppose a f*ck's out of the question?" to GEORGEOUS aneathsatist . Not in my character at all, I swear!