Funniest bit of childbirth

[rachelhill]

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

I was offered paracetamol for labour pains. I remember being so worried that i was in too much pain to go to sleep and was in tears as i decided i couldn't possibly have this baby till i'd had some sleep.

Getting to delivery room, mw told me to get changed, and i handed her my soaking wet knickers (waters had been breaking for about 4 hours) and said, oh you can throw these away. I don't want them any more. Very bemused looking mw.

Right at the end of my labour... was on my side holding my leg in the air... as I gathered all my energy and gave an almighty push my leg jerked and I kicked my dh's glasses clean off! I just heard the midwife say 'oh dear'

My DP and mother pissing around in the hospital car park trying to find the right change for the parking ticket machine whilst I'm about to give birth AT ANY MINUTE and I am standing in a car park thinking "bugger this I'm off to give birth on my own" and I am checking myself in. They said I could have waited... I said PUT A BLOOD NOTE ONE THE CAR! any one tries to clamp you they will have me to deal with.

Midwife offering DH her maglite torch and saying ' do you want to have a look?' whilst I am mooing on all fours.

Lying in theatre having my stiches for mega tears whilst tune on the radio is Rod Stewart's 'the first cut is the deepest'. Could there be a better tune in an operating theatre?

In the ambulance on the way to hospital after attempted homebirth, and clinging to the gas canister for dear life-I mentioned that 80s film Blue Velvet where Dennis Hopper keeps taking hits from a canister of laughing gas. Then the paramedic kept coming out with lines from the film "Bringing Out the Dead" which my DP happens to be a big fan of. More weird than funny-was 9 inches dilated at the time.

In the hospital,out of my head on entenox, the contractions were talking to each other-the bad one was called "Roger" and the other ones were saying "watch out, here comes Roger". Only funny in retrospect!

I managed to avoid cursing until one almighty push almost at the end when I yelled 'Oh f' Up until then the midwife (we're both Irish) had been politely saying 'Imagine you're pushing out a big poo', but after she heard me say f she yelled 'Imagine you're having a big SHITE'

These stories are brilliant - have been crying with laughter! Congratulations to all of you - I had a GA section but am dying to experience gas and air now!

One of my friends suggested the thing about blowing out candles that are coming towards you during each contraction. After sixteen hours of labour, I began falling asleep, waking up every ten minutes to have a contraction - and in my delirious state, I was seeing Ninja Turtle heads coming towards me instead! It made me blow harder, but still not sure what that was about. Maybe to do with DS1s obsession at the time!

dh asking the midwife if there was any chance of a brazilian when she shaved me prior to emergency c-section!

I remember telling midwife who was stitching me up that it felt like she was doing a very neat job and would she sew some curtains for me? (High on G&A obviously!)

DH stage-whispering "Was that you?" when he heard an almighty splash as I stepped out of the taxi on arrival at the hospital

Feeling sorry for all the other new mums who would be soooo jealous at how beautiful my newborn ds was (he looked like a frog, seriously)

Dh moaning about his toothache and the midwife offering him pain relief. Then bit later when he had numb mouth after vitit to dentist MIL thought I'd thumped him during the birth.

First labour, totally out of it on gas and air and watching an episode of Jerry Springer where you have to guess which tvs are actually real women!!!

near the end me asking the midwife "Can't you just pull it out?", her looking down and then replying "no - sorry, the ears aren't out yet, I've got nothing to hold on to"

oh! and when getting stitched asking the mw to "make me bonny"

during my c section my relaxation cd emitted a loud whale noise that made everyone in the room laugh

i am sure they mention it at dinner parties - oh we had this hippy in once with her weird whale music etc!!

second time i had jazz - the doc said 'at least its not bloody angels again'

Me saying "Luke...I am your father" in between puffs of gas and air. What can i say, the noise of the gas and air just reminded me of Darth Vader TOO much!!

Couldn't do G&A for my induced labour. Tried it and projectile vomited over the poor MW. She managed to change into clean scrubs in before I did it again. Credit to her, she just looked rather surprised each time.

At this point, we decided it was time for an epidural (had had no pain relief up until this point, 36 hours later after contractions had started) - the repeated murmurings from me that 'I want to go home now' were a bit of a clue!

After two days of induced labour and a lot of drugs I suddenly noticed a lot of people had appeared in the delivery room and got really angry about it, asking who the scruffy man who looked like a student at the back was and could he leave asap. He was the paediatrician

A friend of mine went to a works Christmas party dinner, ate like there was no tomorrow and promptly went into labour. At the hospital, she started vomiting and the mw rang the panic buttonshouting, 'She's bringing up clots!' All hell broke loose until she managed to get heard above the panic:-

"It's ok, it's the garlic mushrooms"

With my DS2, I asked and LOOKED for the cat that someone had let in to the theatre, as his first cries sounded so much like miaowing and then naming DS after the anaesthetist, because he had stroked my head while DS was being born.

With DS3 it was the milk crate that the consultant stood on to do the CS and wondering how they managed to sterilise it

My waters were breaking, slowly and my DP had just left for work and wasn't answering his phone. DD2 was standing next to me pointing at me as I stradaled a tub of dirty washing, waters leaking, phone in hand and was saying 'ohh looook, mummy we wee, loooook'.

DP had still not answered call number 37 so in a panic i pulled on this black velvet robe thing that's slashed to the thigh on both legs, donned my flip flops and ran out into the pouring rain.

Banged on my neighbours door and shouted at her to watch the girls. Jumped in the car, windscreen wipers going ten to the dozen, windows down, landline phone still in hand and drove, hoping despretly to see DP walking along. Got to the tube station, still no sign. So I drive in the no entry bit, parked the car very badly and leaving windows open etc run into ticket office.

My waters are still trickling down my legs as I stand there in my flip flops and dressing gown and shouted to the man in the ticket office, "my husbands on that platform, let me on'.

I was only slightly aware of all the open mouthed stares as I held onto the bump with both hands and did that pregnant style run down the platform. The bugger was still no where to be seen. So I ran back, now slightly more aware of all the morning comuters!

I ran back into the ticket area and shouted at the man to make an announcemnet which he did. A man on the platform turned to me and shouted over the other people 'he's coming love, he's coming'.

DP sauntered, sauntered down from the other bloody end of the platform and found me standing there waters still trickling.

A few days later I was back at my active birth class and telling all the mums-to-be my story and this one woman said 'ohhh my god i can't believe that was you. My husband came home from work the other day and said 'you'll never believe what happened on the way to work this morning'!

I was keeping upright during labour in hospital but decided to climb up on to the bed for a rest. Had my first suck of gas and air which made me a bit giggly, put the nozzle on the bed and nearly sat on it. Dh said "watch out". I replied " don't worry I know it should be taken orally not vaginally" then pissed myself with laughter cos I thought I was so funny. DH was like

Realising, to my horror, that I had given birth to DS2 naked except for a pair of socks

thomcat - ROFL! Did it not occur to you to ring the station?

ROFL thomcat - that along with the "I am going shopping with my handbag and wearing just my bra" lady are easily the funniest so far

I am so loving this thread. A definite classic in the making me thinks