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Original poster

Funniest bit of childbirth

871 replies

rachelhill · 12/01/2007 15:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

OP posts:
isaidno · 22/01/2008 12:30

ds2's head came out and started screaming as it turned round to get the shoulders in the right position.
"oh my god," said dh, "it's like the exorcist.."

SparklyGothKat · 22/01/2008 12:33

when I screamed and swore that 'it wasn't this bad last time with Dd2' I am sure it was, but it had been 6 years

iloverosycheeks · 22/01/2008 12:54

my DP went on and on about the mucus plug all the way throught the pregnancy, he thought it was so funny, mucus plug ha ha mucus plug hee hee - when it came out the MW wanted to see it so I passed my knickers with pad covered in aforementioned mucus plug to my DP to give to her - suddenly Dp did not find mucus plug so funny anymore - however I found the look on his face hilarious
on third internal examination for checking seriousness of tear i told MW to stop that right now or I will kill you

Nip · 22/01/2008 13:10

After 5 days in labour and no sleep i spent the last night at home pacing around the house, having lavender baths, tried sleeping backwards on the loo (does that ever work???), leaning on a bean bag watching countdown at 2am, trying to sleep on the stairs... you get the gist!

In the end i appeared in the bedroom, DH snoring, i announced, "right thats it, i'm f**ked off now, i'm calling a taxi and telling those stupid idiots at the hospital that i want this bloody baby out"

He promptly woke up bundled me in the car and drove to the hospital, going over ever speed bump on my side of the car because he didnt want to get bumped.. it was only when he hit one whilst i had a contraction that i really hit the roof and he realised what he'd done! Bless!

24 hours on DH was born by emergency CS because my pelvis wouldnt open.... thus followed severe bollocking to hospital because they kept sending me home telling me that i was 'ages away'!!

Not eager to repeat!

soremummy · 22/01/2008 13:10

Mine was after my waters broke at home and within 2 mins had a contraction and felt my knickers being pushed off me shouted at hubby this baby's coming he had his back to me and said to me just calm down fgs it can't be...he turned round and look on his face was a picture he never moved so fast in all he life! just in time to catch her when we rang ambulance she asked is your wife comfy? can you see the head? I remember him shouting (he is usually sooo chilled out) see it ! Im f*ing holding it. Phone was on loudspeaker and she asked is it a girl or a boy and I replied I don't know im not a doctor am I

Nip · 22/01/2008 13:11

OOpppsss DH wasnt born by E-CS.. i meant DS! ha ha ha LOL

madmouse · 22/01/2008 15:02

Am awaiting first baby and eating pineapple, but boy if anything will bring on labour it is this thread. I think I may be literally PMSL . Will get DH to read some later

StealthPolarBear · 22/01/2008 15:08

realising I was wearing reindeer socks with huge red pom poms for noses - in April

kekouan · 22/01/2008 15:10

Having that first wonderful lungful of gas and air and proclaiming 'wow, there's a familiar feeling' and started talking about how all the beeping machines and the noise of the drip sounded like a rave. Apparently I said it was like being drunk and on poppers. Whoops!

Hmmm..

StealthPolarBear · 22/01/2008 15:10

probably already written that
Just realised this is a year old

StealthPolarBear · 22/01/2008 15:11

No, the word 'reindeer' only appears once

mellymell · 22/01/2008 15:28

Was convinced I was having a girl all the way through and even sage sources ie my mother who is always right ( said so. Therefore when asked once babe had arrived what I'd had, I automatically just went 'I think it's a girl'. Had to pick up DS off my chest and have a closer look. Was rather surprised to see a willy.

toomanyshoes · 22/01/2008 15:34

With DD - midwife telling me to start pushing, did almighty push as requested weeing all over her. Hadn't quite got the hang of where to push at that point

With DS - singing Dora the Explorer theme tune in my head between every contraction - no idea why (blame DD and gas & air) and DH moaning straight after delivery about how sore his feet were from standing up all afternoon! Oh how I laughed...

Indith · 22/01/2008 15:47

Lol, I just found my old post on this saying I hadn't done anything daft but dp had....written a few days after the birth.....before dp had had the courage to tell me that I had fallen asleep between contractions, reminded me that they had had to wrestle the G&A off me, pointed out how concerned I'd been that the MW hadn't been given anything to eat.......

StealthPolarBear · 22/01/2008 16:26

still haven't emailed you

BIWI · 22/01/2008 17:11

After ds1 was born, the doctor had to come and stitch me up. He took so long that I, full of G&A (lovely stuff), asked him if he was signing his name!

And - not a birth story - I had to had a D&C after an early missed miscarriage. The surgeon brought me round after the anaesthetic and told me that everything had gone well. I said to him "so did you find Lord Lucan then?"

Very kindly he just said "no we didn't. Now why don't you get some rest?" and left me alone!

Indith · 22/01/2008 19:35

No you have not! but seriously do, poss meeting with summerfruit (from the thread on MN local) on the 4th

Surr3ymummy · 22/01/2008 19:47

Delivering DS's head into the birthing pool, and then discovering his shoulders were stuck and having to climb out of the pool, walk across the room and deliver the rest of him onto the bed!

JackBlackRoady · 22/01/2008 21:13

rofl at this thread! had to wipe my eyes and have a drink before continuing to read!!!
!
Here's mine - with DS, waters broke when i went to loo on the ward (was in with pre-eclampsia). But as there was no evidence of waters broken, they didn't believe me! Was going to be induced - when they used crochet hook to break waters, were confused nothing happening, cue them discussing where my waters were - me, dramatically rolling eyes 'in the toilet, i DID say...'

Later on in labour, some woman keeps coming in saying 'in-laws are on the phone, want to know how things are?' and me gritting my teeth, saying 'hmmm, nothing yet' as they were technically exDP's parents. When it got to a critical point and she came in again and asked i screamed, 'tell them to fk off' and poor her, all red faced, said 'erm, i'll tell them it's not really a good time...' at which point i haul myself up and lean right forward to her and, loud and deep, grind out "NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. TELL THEM TO F---K OFF." I then delivered DS!!!

and then, he was out, i was holding him, didn't care about anything, happy, and after injection for placenta that comes out, along with tons of blood and i start to pass out, and i see my mum looking distastefully at the blood on her new white heels... my mum looks a bit like Peggy Mitchell and had a new outfit on!

so funny now, nearly 13 years later.... wonder if i'll still be laughing in 15 weeks when DC2 is born?

Sanwi · 22/01/2008 22:05

being in the recovery room after c section, having not eaten anything for nearly 24 hours, scoffing a big jam tart dh had for me in about 3 mouthfuls

dh then had an apple and put the core down on my bed when a nurse came in and demanded "who ate this apple?" at which dh said it was him. she said "that's ok then" and the to me "YOU can't eat until tomorrow morning when the doctor's been round"

i just sat there quietly hoping there were no crumbs round my mouth...

pinkbubble · 22/01/2008 22:13

I remember being in full blown labour with DD1 and suddenly everything went haywire unbeknown to me! All I heard was the midwife saying make a fist - but through my ears I heard her saying make a fish! I was frantically panicking because I didn't know how to make a fish, soon after I was whisked off for a ceasarian and I never made the fish (or the fist for that matter) I do hope it was my training and my career that made me think that as at the time I was a Nursery Nurse at a Nursery!

When I came round from the aneasetic (sp) I thought they were telling me I had a sister and not a daughter!

numptysmummy · 22/01/2008 22:23

Was quite shocked when,whilst reaching down to feel ds's head crowning the midwife explained to me it was my clit that was stuck on his head.Thought it strange,i mean i know it isn't a pretty sight and you kind of change shape down there during labour but was confused as to how my bits were actually stuck to his head. Dh kindly told me she had said clip,which was attaching the monitor to his head. Was so embarrased!

Jackstini · 22/01/2008 23:34

omg numptys mummy - I have just fallen forward on my chair and whacked my head on the desk laughing!

Sarahjct · 23/01/2008 04:07

My dad turning up in the delivery suite. I had LO at 03:14 and my dad turned up to see what was happening. He turned up at about 05:00. Any earlier and he could have helped the doc with my stitches! Me lying there covered in blood and Christ knows what else, being barked at by the MW to try to feed and my dad sitting in the chair next to me saying 'what's happening then?'

He hates to miss out on anything...

Kimi · 23/01/2008 07:24

DH missing the birth then turning up as I was having stitches and saying "oh you had the baby? Why did'ent you wait?"