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Funniest bit of childbirth
842

rachelhill · 12/01/2007 15:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

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poppiesinaline · 12/01/2007 15:56

The look on DH's face when he realised that if he didnt move his arm away from my face pretty pronto I was likely to take a huge bite out of him.

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Miaou · 12/01/2007 15:57

Am lol at your midwife and the sudoku confusion!!

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sassy · 12/01/2007 15:58

Hallucinating on the gas and air and ranting about the dire film (Brother Bear, Disney) that we'd watched with dd1 that evening. I must have had a leetle trouble making myself understood cos DH looked at me with a concerned face and said "Sassy, its a baby you're having, not a bear, you know that don't you?"

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ShowOfHands · 12/01/2007 16:10

I was a birth partner for my friend in April 2006 and her waters hadn't broken even though she had been pushing for half an hour. The midwife got her knitting needley thing and bent down to do the necessary and..

WHOOSH!!

Right in the midwife's mouth/eyes/hair. It was phenomenal and even my friend was laughing uncontrollably.

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compo · 12/01/2007 16:12

First tim....Dh commenting that the weather was really wild outside as he could hear the wind really gusting. Until I pointed out that it was in fact the woman next door wailing in pain
Second time... me saying to the midwfire 'am I relly in labour' hen I arrived at hospital by ambulance... and her replying 'yes the baby will be here in 10 minutes' and 2 pushes later she had arrived....

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kittypants · 12/01/2007 16:12

out of it on gas and air asking for a dog instead of baby.also talking to dh's dead dad.

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lulumama · 12/01/2007 16:13

<<really trying hard to think of a funny bit..........erm......still thinking.......erm.....was there? ........ hmm...will get back to you >>

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DaisyMOO · 12/01/2007 16:15

Sitting on the toilet whilst having a contraction and seeing the cat frantically trying to jump in through the window (he'd been ejected for the duration) He'd manage to get his claws on the top of the window then fall straight back down again. It hurt so much if I laughed, but I just couldn't stop!

Looking back it's also funny remembering myself whining 'I don't want to have a baby' and the midwife saying 'well, tough luck, cos you're having one' about 5 minutes before he was born

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TheArmadillo · 12/01/2007 16:19

While high on gas and air
Thinking I was reinacting the birth scene from Dumbo (yes I realised after there is no birth scene in Dumbo - in fact its famous for the storks )

Secondly when my mum went out the room whispering (loudly) to my dp 'dude this stuff is like so cool, its like being really stoned' and then collapsing into giggles. And dp giving me an odd look.

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Rosylily · 12/01/2007 16:23

Telling the mw I NEEDED to get my trousers off and her face when she did- because baby's head was out!

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rachelhill · 12/01/2007 16:24

I also remember when during my section, they held up my daughter and I said 'oh, I was expecting a kitten'

The Armadillo - I said similar things about gas and air but also offered EVERYONE a toke!

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ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/01/2007 16:24

Oh the bit where you feel like your fanjo is on fire and your whole body is breaking apart from the inside out and you can't possibly be in this must unrelenting pain, it just isn't possible or feasible or natural and you feel like you would just like someone to shoot you twice in the head to make it all STOP... that was my funniest bit!

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Dinosaur · 12/01/2007 16:27

During DS2's high speed labour - the uterine equivalent of 0 to 60 in about 4 seconds...

DH to Dinosaur: "Breathe! Remember your breathing!"

Dinosaur to DH: "I am fking breathing! Now f* off!"

He went and read the Guardian for a while .

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hatwoman · 12/01/2007 16:33

when it became apparent that dd2 was going to arrive before the midwife I told my mum to get a book from the dining room table - it was Miriam Stoppard and I knew there was a page on what to do if you deliver with no professionals there. Mum didn;t hear what I wanted but assumed it was towels or something useful like that. she went downstairs. no towels, came back up "not there". me - in between contractions: "yes it is. ON THE TABLE" mum went back down. looked, still nothing she could conceivably think would be useful during labour. came back up. "no, can't see anything". me at top volume "IT'S ON THE FUCKING TABLE" I have never spoken to my mum like that before or since.

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Cashncarry · 12/01/2007 16:34

Lying in an operating theatre with my legs up in stirrups while the Registrar attempted to turn DD around manually, suddenly watching everyone turn towards my DH asking if he needed to lie down, did he want a chair etc. etc. (apparently he'd gone green!)

PMSL laughing despite the pain and humiliation of it all as I'd asked him repeatedly if he wanted to be at the birth, was he squeamish and him insisting he'd be fine (he actually said "I've killed sheep fgs")!

Found out only recently that he felt faint because some of my blood spattered up on his face when they were giving me an episiotomy poor little lamb

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DrunkenSailor · 12/01/2007 16:44

Message withdrawn

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Tutter · 12/01/2007 16:46

when i realised (an hour into advanced labour) that the mp3 player we'd taken in had been playing the same coldplay song over and over - neither dh nor the midwife had noticed!

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Bethbe · 12/01/2007 16:59

Just before pushing I ordered a Lancashire Hotpot!

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Dinosaur · 12/01/2007 17:01

DrunkenSailor - !

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grouchyoscar · 12/01/2007 17:03

I was a total bolshie cow at my birth. I'd already caused havoc in the preceeding weeks as I wanted to have my best friend who is an aromatherapist there and discharging myself from the delivery suite 2 days before as I was not happy and wanted to cope at home. I never asked but I had convinced myself that my bump was a baby girl.

After 6 hrs of labour and the inane silliness of it:-
Playing Trivial Pursuits and forgeting to remember the contractions
Attempting to ride the birthing ball like a space hopper down the midwife lead unit
Asking to stop with 10 mins to go to say thank you for a wonderful time (MW is sure I wanted pain relief and was saying it was too late.)
Deliberatley not pushing so my best mate could be there at the moment (poped to the loo)

DH is at the business end I do the final pushes after the MW has released the shoulders...

DH...Hello Fella!
Me 'Fella?'
DH 'yes you've had a girl with a winkle'
Me 'A girl with a winkle? Praise be it's a miricale'
MW 'will you lot stop it?'

The most brilliant, silliest, most meaningful 6 hrs of my life

Must have been good as BF is on the 2nd year of her midwiffery degree now

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DrunkenSailor · 12/01/2007 17:07

Message withdrawn

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annieapple7 · 12/01/2007 17:11

I was in the bath on all fours at home when the baby was coming down the chute. High on gas and air I was convinced the baby was coming down the wrong tube. I stage-whispered to the midwife, "The baby is coming out of my bum. Honestly. It really is. I can feel it."
And she said, "Well we've never had that before!"
Luckily midwife was right and baby delivered down the right chute.

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grouchyoscar · 12/01/2007 17:13

Armadillo...yep did the same, 'this is like the best dope EVER!' offered it round, giggled like a Clerks stoner and emptied a whole tank of entinox

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motherinferior · 12/01/2007 17:14

The bit where I was so bombed on gas and air that I thought woozily 'testicles...but no willy!'

DD2 is three and a half now.

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saltire · 12/01/2007 17:17

I didn't think labour was funny, as far as i'm concerned it was hellish.
However, i will never forget the look on the midwives face when, after telling me i was x amount of centimetres dilated, and that it would be a couple of hours before baby arrived, then 10 mnutes later i got this urge to push, and told her, she was saying "i don't think you do need to push, you probably just need a poo!". So she had a look and said "Oh my goodness you were right"

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