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Funniest bit of childbirth
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rachelhill · 12/01/2007 15:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

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PrettyCandles · 14/01/2007 14:51

Dh has just reminded me of anotyher: I was so high on G&A that when I tried to talkk to the midwife all thqat came out of my mouth were raspberries. It upset me quite a bit at the time, I was trying so hard to speak coherently, but kept blowing raspberries.

My first labour was so long that dh fell asleepon my hospiatl bed!

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Amiable · 14/01/2007 19:17

DrunkenSailor ? sorry, but PMSL at your story!! And Lubyloo, falling off your birthing ball! Ashayden ? proud Dad then!

During the final part of my labour, the head had crowned, but the baby was not turning and the shoulders were stuck, so every time I had a contraction the head would come a little bit out, but as soon as the contraction had gone would disappear back inside again. The MW said, ? well the baby has a good handful of hair?, to which I replied, ?well, pull it out by its f*cking hair then!!? (finally got her out with ventouse)

Also, earlier on, my ponytail had come loose, so I asked DP to sort it out. He made a right hash of it, so my mum offered to take over, and managed to ping the bobble against my head. I yelled, and said, ?for heavens sake mum, I?m having a baby, I don?t need any more pain!?

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lizbet316 · 14/01/2007 20:00

After DS had been delivered and Epidural was wearing off I felt the need to wee
Me: I need to wee
Stroppy MW: No you don't - you're just getting confused with the feeling of the epidural
Me: No I really need to wee
(MW reluctantly got a bedpan lifted me onto it)
MW: err...can you stop weeing now, the pan is getting a bit full
Me: no I can't
MW ended up having to carry overflowing pan of bloody wee down the corridor

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3Ddonut · 14/01/2007 20:49

During the preparation for the birth of my first, I had read that it is thought animals do not suffer pain the same way we do, but it is actually because they don't understand what is happening and don't know that another contraction is on it's way...so they sleep between contractions. I had no sensation at all to push and kept having to be woken to push at one point I was heard to wail ' I'm a sheeeeeeppp!!!!!'

Second: first push waters broke. dh: shall I get the mw? me: better had. third push ds born mw practically caught him as she walked through the door, mw: 'what a nice birth' me: you should try it from this end'!

Third: Suddenly realising part way through hadn't offered dh any: urgent request 'do you want some' dh: shaking his head embarrassed! Also dh thinks it's funny, me not so.... I knew I was having a girl, just after she was born, seconds afer, he said we've got a (masculine version of her name) me: whaaaatt?? him: he hehe he you should have seen your face!!

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3Ddonut · 14/01/2007 20:50

sorry, that should be 'hadn't offered dh any gas and air!!! doh!

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CillaField · 14/01/2007 20:54

Re: embarassing labour stories. I had my third child in a birthing pool which was fab, apart from the bit where I thought I was pushing him out and instead, up floated a nice big poo - which was swiftly scooped out by the mid-wife, using a plastic seive. I didn't find it funny at the time.

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Thunderpants · 14/01/2007 21:22

nothing funny for me, but my BF had a student midwife in, who kept stroking her gently and saying are you ok? BF said no i'm f*ing not, and slapped her hand hard! Also had another friend who was high on pethidine and kept singing football chants and shouting "you're shit, aaah!" at anyone who came into the room.

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mammaduck · 14/01/2007 21:50

While on pethadine, I emerged from a drug-induced stupor to announce:

"Isn't it lucky we're not on an aeroplane."

Well, yes, I guess it was...

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mammaduck · 14/01/2007 21:53

This thread has had me crying with laughter.

My favourite was the DH who ate the toast intended for his DW!

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WideWebWitch · 14/01/2007 21:56

My friend was being given an internal examination by the mw and found it painful so CLAMPED her legs shut, trapping the midwife, who desperately tried to reach the 'call for help' button with the other hand but couldn't. Apparently she kept saying "You HAVE to open your legs and let me get my hand out" ha ha ha ha

Opened this thread thinking hey childbirth isn't remotely amusing but first 2 posts have made me laugh.

Also my sister was being ordered to expel her placenta by independent mw who'd refuded even gas and air and she managed to shoot it across the room into mw's handbag. She said she thinks of it as her revenge placenta

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tiredandgrumpy · 14/01/2007 22:09

Not funny at time, but obs consultant who earlier had told me that I was definitely NOT having a large child (he'd just done a scan at 35 weeks) had to hand over to his strapping 6'5" colleague when he couldn't pull dd out using ventouse. He then took 5 mighty heaves to extract my huge dd.

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Edam · 14/01/2007 22:10

LOL at revenge placenta!

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sizzixqueen · 14/01/2007 22:23

With DD1 and pethidine puking EVERYWHERE and then offering to help clean up the room. In between contractions, obviously.

With DD2 DH says the look on my face when the midwife was unpacking the baby bag and pulled out a newborn size babygro and said "this won't fit your baby, love. Have you got a bigger one?" DD2 was a bit of a lard a*se, bless her. Can still remember the labour - best contraception is the memory of a nearly 10 lb baby.

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pistachio · 14/01/2007 22:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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funnypeculiar · 14/01/2007 22:25

pistachio - I refused to go into hospital with ds1 until I'd shaved my legs. He was 4 weeks early, and I actually asked the mw on the phone if it was ok to go and shave my legs before I came in ....

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bettythebuilder · 14/01/2007 22:29

I was in labour on Christmas Eve, when a bloke wanders into my delivery room and announces that he's the vicar. "Oh, lovely", I say.
"We've got some carol singers on the ward, can they sing you a couple of carols?"
Well, you'd have to be churlish to refuse, wouldn't you?
"we'll sing 'away in a manger', then have one verse of 'silent night', for luck" he said with a

It was all rather surreal..

Oh, and Dh ate my mince pie while I was otherwise occupied having his child.(I've not let him forget that).

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Waswondering · 14/01/2007 22:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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babyboo1and2 · 14/01/2007 22:53

Was 14 days overdue then induced, labour for 2 days and finally emergency c-section....

after a day of labour being told by the MW it wasnt pain i was feeling but discomfort!

DH asking me not to shout at the MW (after hearing my response to her discomfort comment)

whilst having all drips etc set up in my hand my DH stepped on one of the tubes and it came out of my hand resulting in what looked like a fountain of my blood pouring all over the bed....DH staggers back to the corner of the room having turned ghost white saying i'm so sorry i'm so sorry, the antheastist (sp?) then turned to my DH and said oh my god look what youve done....then started laughing his head off saying it was all liquid mixed with a tiny amount of my bood....my DH didnt find it as funny as we did

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nwgreenmum · 14/01/2007 23:01

I want to redress the balance a bit an tell an amusing snip story. After child 4 my friend and his wife decided that the snip was the only option - they live in the states.
He is lying in the bed, bits out and feet in stirups (SP), when the nurse comes in and picks up his.... notes.
She said "Hi im your nurse Martha. ohhhhh you live 1234 martin luther street - I live on that street... must be 200 yards from you. You know, Ive done all the guys on our street, I did Dave at number 2345, Mike - you must know mike.. etc, etc" Medical confidentiality assured then!

Best bit is he has since been to parties and had other men who found out he has the snip come up to him. "Did Martha do you? Yeah, she did all of us, me Mike, Dave, Colin...."

LOL

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singsalot · 14/01/2007 23:34

I love this thread, keep coming back for more

Ludaloo

wickedwaterwitch

cannot name check you all but my dh has had to listen to me lol

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hullabaloo · 15/01/2007 00:10

Being slightly disorientated on gas and air and thinking my friend was in the room cos I could hear him talking only to realise that he was. He was DJing a weekend show on the radio!

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charlieq · 15/01/2007 00:36

This thread is cool and is (somewhat) dispelling my fears for birth of Ds2 come April...

Best moment of actually very good birth of DS1 was when I was in the bath at home. The midwife (independent, stroppy) had decided not to come yet as she said I was talking to much to be in late stage labour!

Me (in bath, grunting): something's coming out. Does it look like a bum to you? Because it feels like one.

In fact it was the top of DS1's baldy head- the skin was a bit scrunched up.....

Convinced he is about to officiate at an unassisted breech birth, DH flees to call midwife who jumps 2 red lights to arrive in time for DS1's head to be born....

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ashayden · 15/01/2007 03:01

Amiable- Very proud dad. He still likes to tell people that ds takes after him.

This thread is great.

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sockmonkey · 15/01/2007 07:29

When they plonked DS2 on my belly after he was born i thought awwww, he is lovely & warm, only to realise he was actually peeing all over me.

I get no respect from my children

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merryberry · 15/01/2007 08:17

During medicalised 2 day long birth was given another 15 minutes only of pushing before the forceps were whipped out. A crack team of additional consultants and neonatologist turned up, reviewed my notes for a minute and started chatting amongst themselves about career stuff.

So. Chat chat chat they go. And I suddenly said in a voice like the queen's venomous great auntie and penetrating but quiet:

'Do you mind? I am trying to concentrate here. If it isn't important be quiet you fools'.

And proceeded to give birth in glacial silence.

I don't remember any of this. This is dp's rendition of it. He said it was a like a bomb going off. Wish I could have seen it.

And that for our aftercare people tip toed around me.

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