How can I be more "French"?

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

So this morning I did an Ocado shop and stumbled across the world foods department. There is a French section and I was immediately transported to my holidays when I was young at Keycamp in France. I basically ordered a shed load of French delights and as I'm currently really down in the dumps and life is a bit shite I've decided to BE more French.

Other than learning the language again (I've lost it since GCSE) and eating / drinking all my French delights I'm wondering what I can do to make my life a bit more French. Any ideas?

I'm looking for :
Music
Literature
Recipes
Drinks
General ways of living.

Ta!

Pastis! Which my autocorrect keeps trying to alter to 'pasties', which is pretty much the opposite. I used to play pétanque half-cut on Pastis.

Get your boules set out, it's perfect weather. We used to play it in the park when we lived in London, often with total strangers.

You can eat anything and everything - but only one small bite.

Wear navy, look bored, smoke and drink lots of black coffee. Only laugh once a day in private. Spend a phenomenal amount on skincare.

You only eat small amounts of them, Hanging - no polishing off several baguettes and an entire Brie by mid-morning. Besides, proper baguettes go stale in hours, so if you buy it for breakfast, you'd break a tooth on it by lunch, so you get some exercise in going out for another one.

Eat three meals a day. Sit down properly for each meal. Make sure there is a tablecloth. Have wine at two of the meals.

No snacks - the exception is the 4-o-clock "la gouté" (not sure how to spell that) for children, at which you will offer them a slice of bread and a small piece of real chocolate. Don't eat any of that yourself.

watch Spiral (Engrenages) box set.

It is very dark, but ever so very very French.

Yes, each meal is very small! Portion control and not snacking is how French women eat everything but stay slim.

I guess that the smoking works well for them as an appetite suppressant.

If you live rurally wear old cut off wellies and a floral wrapper.

Feed your children Nutella for breakfast and all snacks.

Serve Apericubes when guests come for aperos.

Drink tea with lemon, never make tea with boiling water.

If you have a dog leave it tied up outside at all times.

Learn to love foil gras and fried gizzards.

Have an affair.

If your husband tells you he's having an affair say 'bon' and shrug your shoulders.

Wear matte red lipstick at all times with navy or black clothes and massive sunglasses. (My idea of French women is based entirely on 'Allo 'Allo!)

Foie.
DYAC

Dessert consists of fresh fruit. You can serve it in a watery syrup or juice, but no cream. If you really need a topping, it should be Greek yoghart or creme fraiche. And only a teaspoonful to decorate.

Yes, Apericubes are a central baffling tenet of Frenchness. Friends who regularly eat at Michelin-starred restaurants fight over the disgusting tomato one.

I love Engrenages, though none of my French fruends like it. Roban does look disturbingly like Arsene Wenger, though.

Style your DC's hair into immaculate blonde bobs. Even the boys. Feed them petite filous.

Carry a small dog around in a bag. Wear those horrible trousers which look like they've been sewn from a parachute. Shrug a lot. Wear stripes

AuntieStella they used to use "up the bums' but it's normal medics now and plenty of them

To be accepted by the french you MUST say 'Bonjour" to every french person you meet esp. going into restaurants and shops, acknowledge all the other customers also say""au revoir" when you leave. This is true of Parisians too.

Allalone Agree about the not boiling water, they also don't have kettles to boil the bleedin' water!! More than once we have been made tea with water 'boiled' in microwaves /

Oh yes! I am speaking from bitter experience

If the chairs/sofas in your livingroom salon face the TV you need to rearrange them into a circle so that everyone faces each other, if not it makes the French uncomfortable and conversation doesn't flow.
Never serve wine without nibbles of some kind; olives and saucisson sec preferably.
Wine is purchased cheaply in 5 litre containers direct from the producer, bottles are only for show.
Rosè is served with ice in hot weather, God forbid you should ever run out of ice! Your name will be mud.
Greetings are a hand shake if formal, bisous are informal and never actually kiss, cheeks are touched together and a loud smack of the lips into thin air.
If you enter a room and there are people you don't know, go up to them and greet them with a Bonjour/bonsoir and hand shake/bisous as appropriate. Never only speak to those you know.

Never, ever, EVER use your indicators on a roundabout, you must judge if a driver is exiting or coming round by the direction of the wheels and your sixth sense.

When anything annoys you, say "ma foi!" with proper disdain and indignation and, in the face of people behaving in a childish manner, a "Qu'elle enfantillage!" with just the right rueful attitude ought to do it.

Wear sunglasses always; if they're not on your eyes then they must be atop your head in a stylish laissez-faire manner... and wear designer 'thongs' on your feet.

If you're not blonde, don't try to be blonde, be a fabulous brunette, redhead or whatever. Try to be brown. Here it is ok to fake it but do it well. Orange is not permitted for the French skin.

Don't pick up after your dog.

Music
Edith Piaf, Johnny Halliday, Daft Punk

Food and drink
Aperitifs - pastis.
Apericubes.
French wine only, ever.
Champagne!
Santé, not cheers.
'Salad' is a bag of lettuce at most.
Raclette!
Maximum one veg with meat.
Cheese before dessert, always.

General
Have resting bitch-face until someone speaks French, then become animated and charming.
Always wear the colour and style of the season.
Be très chic. At all times.
Perfect the Gallic shrug.

As others have said you must now hang around in a bof alors stance

Music...MC Solaar La belle et le bad boy
Stromae Papaoutai
Sebastien Tellier La ritournelle /Look
The whole Amelie soundtrack
Films... Amelie
La fille sur la pont
Romaulde et Juliette
Jules et Jim
Betty Blue with obligatory poster
Leon
Green card

Kir royale...mix some ribena with some fizzy white wine

Whenever we stereotypethe French and their gallic shrugs I always think of the Apprentice candidate who asked: do the French love their children?

Agree about the never eat between meals that;s why their breath is not the sweetest later in the day. Though MCdo's is becoming too popular and some are getting fatter and fatter.

heyhey Take little dog into restaurants and feed it at the table

Cultivate a taste for the best chocolate in the world And the best local markets with amazing seasonal fresh food .

Go to the local cave and fill up old water containers with €1 per litre of wine for aperos. Then go to play boules.

Don't let your dog greet a French dog. Ever.

Learn to read french menus very carefully or you will end up with gizzards, tripe or sea whelks.

Go out at low tide to collect 'cock' for lunch / dinner.

Air is excellent background music, so is the cover band nouvelle vague

Put your coffee/hot choc in a bowl tout de suite!
Bring back the French speaking mumsnet zombie thread
Get your French baguette and make a tartine
Lounge on a thinking how old is Johnny Halliday and how much work has he had done and how young is his femme