Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

Another one about eating - you know that rule that a child has to try a food 10 times for it to be accepted? It's rubbish. Some foods my dc have liked straight away, others they could eat 100 times and they'd still hate them.

Chores - IMO people get too hung up on chores. Yes of course it's important to teach them how to do things as they get older and also they should learn that families muck in together BUT they're children and have their whole lives ahead to do adult chores. So not too much!

Looking back at this thread I think I can see a pattern of differences between posters who still have young children and those whose DC are teenagers or adults.
Those who are hung up on mealtimes, chores, reading, screen time etc and those who look back and see how little those things matter in the long term.
Dancergirl you sum those things up nicely .

Looking back, I wish I'd responded earlier when there was en emotional/ social problem e.g low self esteem or the horrendous year DS1 had with a teacher.

I'm really glad that I didn't follow a parenting guide about routine / when toys/ bottle/ nappies should be given up, those stupid boys-don't-cry-rules social rules.

I wish I hadn't wasted time and energy on fighting about food but I am really glad I put the effort into teaching good manners.

It depends on the individual - best be true to yourself. I find shopping for food, thinking of meals, and cooking them everyday a chore- therefore I am not taking into consideration lots of different choices. I respected about 3 things they didn't like and didn't give it them. I made sure there was always something they could eat. Beyond that I lost interest - it was there, they ate it or they didn't- it was not my problem. As it is they praise my cooking as adults and eat most things. I didn't come across it without a bit of trial and error- the thing that worked was refusing to make it a battle or even worth a discussion. Similarly once they learnt to cook I ate what they produced.
It is much better as a parent to be yourself - warts and all!
I don't think I got them to do chores early enough. If you are happy to do it all for them - that is fine too.
Moderation in all things is generally the answer.

What a lovely thread. Marking my place so I can come back later and post - my DS is ten but I can remember vividly the challemges of looking after a baby/toddler.

Things that have turned out to be important or I wish I had done:
Reading every night from very very early
Really keeping sugar intake low and persisting with offering healthy varied balanced meals even in the face of opposition
Teaching sharing from about 2-3 yrs
Never tolerating hitting/rough play
Walking/cycling lots from very young
Tooth brushing
Cuddles (lots)
Paying lots of attention to their school work and being 'that mother' at the first sign of any issue. Same for friendship issues/bullying.
Allowing and encouraging them to be independent and helpful -packing their own bags, getting dressed themselves, helping clear away dinner, putting away washing etc.
Finding some space to maintain your relationship somehow, and for both of you to do a little of what you want /exercise.

Things that turned out to be unimportant:
Sleeping through the night
Bedsharing
Having an immaculate house
Not having enough bedrooms for children under 10 -they know no different, and enjoy sharing
Toys and 'stuff' in general
Tummy time (just hold them)
Self settling/feeding to sleep
What other people think

Reading back through the things they all have in common are love, security (or dependability), time, communication, flexibility, giving resilience to deal with disappointment and a sense of humour.

Food, screen time, routines etc are up to the individual -if you believe it it then generally it will work for you and are not important-as long as not too rigid or extreme. No two families will get exactly the same mix. e.g. mine loved rough play, I couldn't stand it so just left them to it-unless it went to far and someone looked as if they would get hurt.

Things that I would certainly do again:
Have a library ticket from babies and have regular visits
Lot of exercise outdoors whatever the weather and get dirty
Letting them go up scary climbing frames and keeping my fears to myself
Regular visits to the swimming pool
Healthy diet, but not worrying about the occasional junk food, sweets.
Insist on politeness and manners so that other adults and children like them.
Help them fit in, encourage friendships etc-have friends around.
Encourage them to have close relationships with grandparents,extended family, babysitters etc-without me around (from an early age)
Discuss everything and anything and encourage them to think for themselves and not follow the herd.
Have regular routines-e.g bath, teeth cleaning, story, bed.
See that Daddy can sew on buttons-bath a new born baby,clean bathrooms etc and mummy can quite easily put up a shelf, mow the lawn etc
Let them get bored and have to amuse themselves
Not step in to solve any problem-but know when to step in and help
Lots of cuddles and lots of laughs
Endless board games and card games, word games etc games in the car
Be unmoved by tantrums, sulking and only discuss it when they had come out of it. To be unmoved by 'everyone else's parents lets them..........'

The important thing is not to think this is the'right' way, when it was only the 'right way for me'.

Another thing to add - please don't fret about whether you work outside the home or not. I see these SAHM v WOHM bunfights & they make me so sad because in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference.

I have stayed at home/worked from home/worked part time/worked full time at various points, so I don't have a dog in this fight.

But what I do know is that when children grow up, how happy they are and how well they get on with their parents has nothing to do with their mum's working arrangements. You get great teenagers in close knit families regardless of the parents' career choices.

So whether to work or not is up to you, but in terms of 'parenting' - don't sweat it

"so I don't have a dog in this fight" That made me smile whatthese/ ithaka - I've not heard that before

Me too BTW. No dog

I see these SAHM v WOHM bunfights & they make me so sad because in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference

No difference whatsoever! Same as type of birth, co sleeping, breastfeeding/bottle feeding and other issues people get so caught up on-they really don't matter.

Important. Spending time together as a family including grandparents, understanding that at times you can't stand the sight of each other but you all have each other's backs.
Forgiveness no matter what

Not important. The arguements over homework etc. why? Let them face the consequences of not doing at school. Don't worry about the little stuff

Mine are 25, 21 and 12. Agree with all about the small stuff. I am a very hands off parent but the few things I insisted on were
Good manners - always
Always letting us know if they were running late, even by 5 minutes
Take every opportunity to be kind - and there is always an opportunity
Welcome and learn about other cultures
Don't judge.

From the parent point of view, always, always , always keep the communication channel open, even with the most contrary, arsiest teenager.whatever they do,look like, say ....they need to know you are always, always there!

This is a great thread in many ways but it also makes me feel so inadequate to be a parent of three and points out my many mistakes. I am not sure I have done anything right other than getting treatments for their physical problems.

On the other hand I am better than my mother was .

Just thought of another - I think it's really important they learn to swim. Dd2 had huge problems with swimming, she was terrified of the water and has dyspraxia which made things harder.

At huge expense I paid for private lessons with a massively patient teacher. Most weeks dd would come out of the lesson in a mood/strop, said she couldn't/wouldn't do it etc. I really wanted to give up but I didn't and the teacher was very positive and encouraging. It took a year but eventually dd got it. And when I look at her now, swimming confidently, jumping in, doing handstands in the water etc I am SO pleased I persevered and even she admits that too!

I haven't read all of this but I think I qualify with my 4 who are all almost 11, 13, 15 and 17 (11 years old tomorrow then one each in age from youngest to oldest each month)

Table manners generally knowing they are learning how to behave around people (saying please and thank you)
I am happy I persevered with this. Now my children gets invites they always get them repeated and I am told how polite they are. This makes me feel we did the right thing with insisting on this.

Worrying about how messy the house was and feeling I had failed them because of it. Waste of my time to worry about it. They all pitch in now.

Swimming was the one activity that was non negotiable with me-an essential life skill that might save their life one day.
It shouldn't make you feel inadequate ItsFab -you can see your mistakes and that is half the battle-we all make them! The dangerous parent is the one who can't see they are making a mistake. When you make one apologise and move on.

ItsFab I think this thread is mostly from the majority point of view, of dealing with NT dc. You've got bigger battles to fight.

I think the overriding piece of advice I'll be taking from this thread is do the best you can in the circumstances you face

I am not sure I have done anything right other than getting treatments for their physical problems

That takes priority. When one of mine had medical problems that had to come first -and the others had to come second. You can only do your best in the circumstances, as Purple says.

Mine are 18 and 16.
I agree with a great deal of what has been said in this thread so won't repeat many good things but would just add a few more:

Food: I am a rubbish cook and not that interested in food. very often the children's meals would be sort of picnics, or same boring old thing again and again. and guess what? they are completely normal, eat most things, and oldest actually likes cooking. result! So don't worry what you give them: for me the key is that, from the earliest possible age, they sit on a chair for the whole meal, and they join in conversations. No escape. And now, no phones ever at the table. Even if we are just having a cup of tea.

Talking to adults: one of the posters said this above and I completely concur: the nicest children talk sensibly to adults. Mine always had to come and say hello to visitors; they handed round at parties etc from an early age. Hiding in bedrooms was not an option.

Which brings me on to bedrooms: if you have room , and I know lots of people don't, don't make the bedrooms the play room. Get the children out playing near you; keep an eye; no tvs in bedrooms; no shut or locked bed room doors when they are little; limit screen time at bed times; keep the screens as public as possible.

Here's another thing: it's in your interest to make birthdays etc happen on the day that suits you. I have learned this from bitter experience of DD2 being in hospital a very great deal over the years - over her and her sister's birthdays, Christmas and so on. The important thing is to celebrate these occasions properly and it does not matter one jot if it is not on the "actual" day.

And finally - all those things you worry about when they are tiny, really don't matter at all in the end. What matters is you find a way to like and enjoy being with your children - then, with a fair wind, they will like and enjoy being with you.

itsfab please don't feel inadequate you did what you had to do for your kids

Thank you Mehitabel6, PurplePidjin, and Mrsjayy. I am feeling really low today and it hits home when everyone else seems so together and knows what to do. I just need a break and it isn't happening. I have done too much for my kids and they are spoilt and lazy at times and I cook so many different things that DS1 has actually complained when they got the same/similar dinner twice in one week. Don't know what to do about either things. They are at school all day so I should do the house and I love cooking but it is wasted and unappreciated.

I wish I could start again with this parenting lark.

Hey mine are spoiled rotten not with stuff but they would sit and let me serve them if I let them get away with it I make dinners to suit them still its not all sweetness and light in my house but they are decent kids at the end of it we all do our best or try to get through the day

Thanks for starting this thread OP though it is making me sob.

I have a very hard-work 20m old DD and I am ALWAYS doubting that I am doing 'it' right.

She has the most terrible meltdowns at the moment, an awful, awful one this evening before bed, she has become such a fussy eater and I CANNOT get her to give up her dummy and after a w/e this w/e of lots of socialising with other chidlren, all of whom seem to be chilled-out, confident, non-dummy-using perfect eaters :) I have felt like the most crap mother in the world. Especially when DD was so tired tonight that I gave her pizza in front of Peppa Pig for tea because I just couldn't face another supper-time battle.

She is teething now so clingy to the point where she screams if I try to put her down, sometimes, while I am doing stuff in the kitchen, so I sometimes just lug her around with me, a heavy toddler!!

I am really pretty worn down by it all at the moment.

BUT... this thread has given me a glimmer of hope - because at least I cuddle her, spend time with her and tell her that I love her, all of which seem to be the most important things according to the wisdom of MN!!

They aren't really spoilt with stuff as we are a lot skinter than we used to be but they don't help anywhere as much as they should. I looked at the massive pile of clothes I washed today and could cry. WTF can they not wear some things twice?! I am feeling unappreciated and taken for granted and it is pissing me off.

Tomorrow I have to leave the house at 7. DH will have to make DS2's packed lunch, (though I think he thinks I will make it before I go), make sure he has his drink, bait and that DD and DS1 have everything. I suspect something will go wrong and hopefully I will be appreciated but I doubt it very much.