Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

It isn't all sweetness and light at the time, Itsfab- don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it helps just to go to another room, grit your teeth, count to ten, go back smile and think of something positive to say.

Wow! honestly I cant thank you all enough- this is the most wonderful inspiring advice.

Emerald I am so there with you on the meltdowns/ the feeling that everyone else's kid is so much more chilled out etc etc. Although now my eldest is the grand old age of 4, I have noticed that sometimes your kid is the 'good' one and other times the 'bad' one, whether tantrums/ behaviour/ development etc etc, and it all changes so quickly. So lovely to hear perspective from the other side that none of it matters that much anyway.

Truly thanks to everyone.

emerald in about 25 years time there will be a post on MN about happy childhood memories. Your dd will post about eating pizza in front of Peppa Pig when she was little like all the things we're nostalgic about as adults

20 months is hard, hard work. You're doing a great job.

Oh and I was the worlds fussiest eater as a child and now I eat everything.

Had a dummy too till nearly 7

Dd1 used to eat sausage,chips ,mashed, potatoes, chicken nuggets spag bol and chicken for about 7 years now she is a grown up she eats almost anything except cheese sauce or fish it was a fecking nightmare and when the y are small you just worry so much then one day I just stopped fussing over her and her eating gradually got better, if I had left it she probably would have gotten over it quicker you live and learn

Emerald pizza in front of Peppa Pig is not a failure, in the slightest. That was a good thing that happened in your day! And, please try and remember, that some of those perfect eating other kids probably gave their parents Hell this evening as they had a completely normal toddler meltdown, from just that heady combination of too much excitement and tiredness. Not one person on this planet has the perfect child because they just don't exist!

We don't have room for a table our kitchen is tiny we had plastic table in the living room for dds when they were wee we now eat together on the couch eating we chat laugh argue watch tv it doesn't matter imo

Why does she need to give up her dummy Emerald id leave till she is more manageable and stopped teething dont get into a war about it one of mine had a dummy one didn't the didn't one had a sooky blanket till she was 8 the dummy was gone quicker b

Mine aren't that old yet but I think these are important:

Talking to adults, being polite, being able to form opinions about things and being able to defend them. This really just means you have to talk to them and listen to them a lot!

Learning how to make conversations with people you don't know more generally: e.g. by asking questions, listening to the answers, and following up on them.

Planning and organising. It's so helpful through life to be organised, so get them started with good routines about doing homework at certain times, getting everything ready for next day, planning longer assignments in stages, planning revision for tests. My 12 yo is struggling a bit with this, but I want to help him get things organised so when he goes to university he feels on top of things.

Positive thinking. Ask them to tell you at the end of the day what their highlights were and what they are grateful for. Tell them yours. Doing this every day is life changing.

Doing some kind of sport or exercise every single day if you're not actually ill.

How to cook 10 different things (proper meals not cupcakes or whatever). I am working on this.

Not lying. Insist on honesty and try not to blow up at them when they are honest!

Being kind. Point out examples, make suggestions, explain why.

And I also have invested quite a lot of time and money in things like swimming lessons so they can do the strokes properly (my mum always regretted not being able to!), tennis club so they will always be able to play. Things like that to give them a boost when they are teens and older. But it depends on your financial resources and their inclinations.

Emerald you could have described my DCs like that but 17, 15 and 12 years later they are doing ok. Don't beat yourself up. We've all done pizza in front of the TV.

Emerald she's just a baby. Don't worry about the dummy. Just do what you have to do to get through the days!

Cleaning the teeth. Within a year of DD turning 18 and being under her own recognisance, she had her first filling.

Emeraldgirl2 Those of us with adult children and teenagers, well, we all had days like those.

It's tiring and stressful. You do what gets you through the day.
Actually I think I am glad there was no internet then, no MN full of people telling me the right way to do things or I would have felt a failure when my toddler was purple and screaming and stamping his feet for hours. He's a delightful, charming, kind, gentle giant of a 16 year old now.

Thank you lovely MNers (and sorry, OP, for temporarily hi-jacking your thread!!) was v lovely to read these this morning though they were so nice they made me a bit teary-eyed

I agree with PP saying that things are harder in these days of the internet and with such a general sense of competition over everything (though maybe that's a London thing?) It certainly didn't seem to be that way where I grew up (in the middle of nowhere) in the 70s, but my mum may remember differently. My MIL has certainly said that things seem very different now than when she was bringing up her kids in London in the late 70s - it's weird that despite all the labour-saving devices, disposable nappies, myriad toys, wall-to-wall kids TV on all day... things are harder. But I think they probably are.

Anyway thanks again for lovely posts about pizza/Peppa pig night, and about the dummy, I am constantly beating myself up about that one as none of my friends' kids seem to have used them since the age of about 8/9 months and I feel a bit judged sometimes - made worse by the fact that DD's most precious cuddly toy, and her security object, is a cuddly bunny that can attach dummies to the paws... she'd NEVER have slept through the night if we hadn't got him months ago but now she loves him with a fierce passion so taking away her dummy would also be like taking away her lovey/security blanket, which I'm sure most parents would feel awful about doing to a tiny toddler. And yes, it gets us through the day!!! DD is a super-histrionic type at the moment, worst teething that anyone else in my extended family has ever seen (she is MISERABLE with it and the back molars are hell) so I guess I should just not worry about doing what I can to get through!

DH does occasionally remind me that we will look back on this and laugh when she is older (and sob when she is leaving home, more like) but it can be very very hard to remember that when you are caught up in the stresses and difficulties of parenting a strong-willed toddler (and wonderful moments too, of course)

So thanks again for the thread! Will read through the whole thing when I get a chance as there really does seem to be some invaluable advice on here.

I said on another thread that parents are bombarded with so much information these days no wonder their heads spin glad I didn't have it when mine were babies

Emerald ... just wanted to say, 20 months is a HARD age, do what you need to do!

I wouldn't dream of trying to get her to give up the dummy! FWIW my son has just turned three and after Xmas we will get him to give up his dummy. They are so much more rational at this age - he can understand what we are talking about and we can do a deal with him about it (he gets a new police car and gives up the dummies!)

My daughter gave hers up in the same way at just over three. All fine.

We all feel like rubbish parents sometimes when we have toddlers. Its the nature of the beast, they are very very adorable but VERY VERY hard work. But remember you will be your DDs mummy till you die - these tricky years from 18mth to 3 are just a tiny part of the whole picture.

Its esp hard with your first toddler as you haven't had the experience to see that they do come out the other side and it gets easier and much more fun. But I promise you it does!

Emeraldgirl2 None of our teenagers still use a dummy or a security blanket. Let them go gently when DD is much older. She needs them now (and so do you) and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
I was recently clearing out a blanket box and came across DS2's Blanky. I had to reassure him it wasn't going in the bin. He's 16.

The thing with dummies.....WE give them to our dc in the first place to comfort them. So it's really confusing for them for someone to say right that's it, you're too old for a dummy. Let them have that security as you say emerald until THEY feel they have outgrown it. Not just with dummies but I think a lot can be gained by letting your child take the lead in terms of what they're ready or not ready to do.

You'll always get people who say dummies make teeth stick out. Well bugger that. IF it happens (and I'm not convinced it does) there are fantastic orthodontics available to deal with it at a later stage.

You sound like a lovely mummy, don't be hard on yourself and remember your little girl will stop having tantrums one day and become lovely company

Bumpasdaisie, thank you!!
I have been trying to remind myself of some advice from DH's godmother who apparently once told Dh's mum (when she was worrying, decades ago, about some toddler habit he just wouldn't break) 'well, if his wife doesn't mind it when he gets married, I wouldn't worry!" It's a pretty good way to articulate that all these things parents of toddlers/small children get themselves in a pickle about... most of them pass by in the right time without too much intervention (she says, hopefully!!)

20 months IS a hard age, thank you for agreeing!! (though I think all the ages are hard, and wonderful, in their own way) But this seems a really tough point at the moment, she is not yet verbal enough to express herself in terms of emotions and tbh I don't think she is even sure of what her emotions ARE just yet, especially when she is tired. She can be literally laughing one moment and screaming a split second later. She loves games and playing but can suddenly get terribly, terribly upset if you do the 'wrong' thing (by her constantly-changing rules)... the unreasaonable ness knows no bounds!

But I was in the park with her the other morning, it was a gorgeous sunny autumn day and she was getting all excited about kicking the leaves and playing 'I'm the king of the castle' by standing on a large log, and I had one of those lovely mindful moments that are hard to come by in the rush of the day. I just thought, we won't be able to do this on a quiet weekday this time next autumn, she will be at nursery by then and maybe I might even have another baby (thinking about it...) and so what an amazing treat it is for me to be here with her today, just enjoying an empty park and a pile of leaves.

Made the rest of the day (which was hellish) worthwhile :)

thanks dancer and squirrel!!
tbh DD was such a 'sucky' baby that if we hadn't given her the dummy in the first place she'd have been a thumb sucker which (in my sister's case) had a definite teeth-sticking-out effect...
Honestly it is so helpful to get this advice on here, I seem to be surrounded by dummy haters and you're quite right, it is desperately unfair on a tiny one to take away something you gave them in the first place for security!!

Squirels, by the way I love the idea of your son not wanting his blanky to go in the bin!! I'm still embarrassingly attached to a couple of my childhood cuddly toys so I understand that :)

So far?
one thing I think I have done right (although in teen years it may come back to bite me) is decide that I am the Captain of this ship , and I am not afraid to say No.
I decide how much screen time, I decide bedtime, I have the right to withhold pud if greens are not eaten. There have been tantrums along the way, but I do now actually feel like I am the one in charge, and so does ds, I think.
I was chatting to a friend the other day, and she was bemoaning hers son's behaviour, and said it was exacerbated by too many video games. I suggested if he can't stick to agreed times she should take the device off him, at which there was a list of reasons she can't do that . Reading between the lines I felt like she just didn't want to stand up to her son, and say "no".

I would also say it's a really good idea to get them outside, in all weathers. Children are hardy, and shouldn't be treated like delicate flowers. They need to run free in parks and field, climb stuff, swing on stuff, go a bit wild.
Things that don't matter?
Mud. It can be cleaned up.
Baby ballet/music class/yoga.
Watching ITV .(It won't turn them into monsters)
Phonics.
Being left to be bored sometimes.
You don't have to bake with them it's not the law.
You don't have to stay for the singing at playgroups. The number of times I sat there like a knob doing the actions to Row Your Boat while ds sat oblivious.
Finally, don't take things personally. Children can be awful to you. They are not grateful about all the sleepless nights, all the times you have been vomited on (why do they always come right at you just when they about to spew?), they don't understand about the sacrifice you made of you never to be promotion. And nor should they.
They just need to know you love them, you never resent them (hard sometimes) and they are safe with you.
Hopefully in time they will appreciate you. Maybe not until their own child is covering them in Ribena coloured sick .

Gosh this thread is brilliant - I can't add anything, my kids are only 7, 5 & 3 and I am still on the steep learning curve, but I would like to print this entire thread & pin to my fridge 'in times of need'

Never judge your own parenting by what your friends tell you. 99% of the time they're bullshitting. You do what feels right for you. Your baby won't be aged 16 and still in nappies or with a dummy.

On Children by Kahlil Gibran (from The Prophet)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html