Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

purple

aaww bless!
DS5 can talk and talk and it's hilarious and sweet. Typically I couldn't summarise his marathon stories, so I just listen and try to understand.
but even if I have to stop him I don't make him feel like he did something bad or stupid by expressing himself his way.

my dad died 4 years ago but I still feel resentful about things he said & did. with my mum we struggle on

Hi OP, my DSs are 22, 21, 19 and 16. I haven't time to read the whole 8 pages of this thread, but 2 things I did, which I think have stood them in good stead are:

1. Insisting on good manners. Many people, including complete strangers have told me how well-mannered my DC are and how they are a credit to me (would that they were all the time at home, but I guess I'd rather it were that way round!).
2. Not allowing them sweets or fizzy drinks in their early years. This started because DS1 went completely hyper after the least taste of anything like this, so I just didn't have them in the house. They all have lovely teeth with no fillings. Of course they do eat & drink this stuff now, but at least they're old enough to clean their teeth properly and regularly!

Many more things I wish I could have done, I just couldn't, because DS2's special needs took pretty much all my time and energy, but at least I'm glad I did those 2.

People can get sad when their dcs start school, leave school, go to Uni, get married - it's a bittersweet kind of thing. Normal emotions to feel.

I wish someone could tell me whether I'd regret more when they leave home if I've no career to then focus on, or if I'll regret more not staying part-time when they're young

It depends if you were career minded in the first place, Iggi. Only you can decide. I worked part time and didn't change once they left home- I had lots of other interests. I loved the freedom, I wouldn't want to give it up to work long hours. If you feel you would resent not getting on in a career then I would keep it going when they are young.
Whether you work or stay at home is another thing that doesn't matter when you look back. A happy mother is the main thing.

Never over explain things, often a simple 'because I said so' is enough.

Offer lots of different foods, if they leave it they leave it. A healthy child will not starve, if they leave it on the plate so what, offer nothing else.

Dont compare to other kids in the class. Who cares what reading level little Tommy is on? When he is doing his GCSEs it will all be a distant memory.

Parties are not important. Most kids are happy to have a couple of friends over for tea, birthday cake and dvds, or go to Macdonalds.

Iggi I worked very part time until the youngest was 11 and then picked up my career ( midwife).
I doubt I would be able to do that in the current financial climate/working conditions so I realise I am very fortunate.

I will never regret the time spent with my DC, nothing would ever compensate for the blissful days spent with them .
If you work part time surely you can ramp it back up when they are 11-12 ?
Lots of people will be working until 68 anyway so plenty of time !

Hmm. Looking back with mine grown and almost left home...

Almost everything that people post about on here is small stuff - don't sweat it ( ok I'm talking about mental health issues, drugs etc AF course thry are biggies) At the time what book band or who is invited to who's party seems huge. In the big picture it's a blink of an eye- all " normal" kids will learn to read- and if it's at 4 or 8 that they manage fluent Ronald Dahl doesn't really matter (I bet there are few 4yr olds who get the humour even if they can decide the words!).

What does matter? Family meals. Listening to them and taking note of what they say. Zero tolerance to bullying or being bullied. Being un shockable helps too.

And yep " because I say so " is ok!

I think extra curricular stuff is absolutely vital for skills maybe, but for the other things it teaches you even more - persistence, hard work, stick ability, resilience and learning to fail, dust yourself off and get going again. Mine did music but actually anything will give you that skill set - from chess to synchro swimming.

It also teaches you that school isn't everything. An alternative friendship group and an area to succeed in when school might be a bit tricksy.

Remember your job as a parent is a strange one. Basically you are setting them up with the skills that make you redundant. First school day... Going to uni... Etc bittersweet because you have done well and they are off to be amazing adults.

Important:
Puddle jumping
Making time to talk - this was usually in the car, driving 'half way' for her time at Dad's. Talk about anything and everything, question their views, explain your own - I now have a daughter who can hold her own in any conversation (she's 17)
Manners - to others and table
Mostly time - despite being a FT working mum, I always made time for us
Honesty - on both sides, as an adult admitting you're wrong, and also telling the truth (with explanations) helps your child do the same

Not so important
What everyone else thought about how I parented
Amount of 'treats' my daughter had, her diet was/is still good despite regular treats
Competitive schooling. I don't care what her grades are, what they could be - except for the grade for 'effort' - and even then, if there was a subject she really didn't like - it really didn't matter!
Money/things/activities - we were surrounded by families who had money, had stuff and paid for many, many activities. I suppose if I could have, I would have too, but I'm glad we didn't! Instead of paying for an activity for my daughter that she trotted off to, I had to make my own, we did stuff together (cheaply!) and it comes down to that 'time' thing again!!

...thanks Alpaca and Mehitable, will need to give it more thought - I'll be in my 50s by the time they're both at secondary school, though as you say many years to go before retirement if I make it

I second

• giving them one family home made meal and not offering alternatives

• having lots of fun

• reading to them. Getting them totally hooked on books. Find out which books they get the most joy from

• spend one to one time, make your kids feel treasured

We have virtually had to families as 3 children within 4 years, then a 10 year gap and 2 more so lots of experience. I don't regret anything we did. I think it really worked well to take about 2 weeks off and go back full time for us both so I would not change that.

I think we may be had not realised how easy it would be to replace nannies - we kept the first for ten years which was not a bad thing but she was not perfect.

With the last I am very laid back. It's easy. You realise they are often born not made so don't sweat the small stuff. Be calm. Praise 4x more than you criticise.

Most of all they mirror your mood so if you're happy they will tend to be. Don't shout. Don't fuss. Be silent more. Say less. Observe. I have learned a lot more from the children than they have learned from me and it has been a privilege to have them all.

Agree with admitting you are wrong. Children like to know you are not Gods. Acknowledge their view may be better than yours.

I have never done punishments, time out and the like and would never smack a child and they have turned out really well so that probably shows that relationship of trust works well.

Most of all be humble in the face of your children rather than God.

I disagree with the one meal thing. I sometimes do a variation of the food, I would rather my kids eat than go hungry because of some stupid rule.

Remember that LOTS of kids are fussy eaters but most adults aren't. Children get more adventurous with food as they get older.

Primary school - take your dc and pick them up as much as you can. My youngest is 7 and I love feeling her little warm hand in mine as we walk to the gate and the kiss goodbye. Similarly try and attend school plays, sports days etc. When they're little they look out for you.

If you have more than one child, spend time with each one individually on a regular basis. I have NO evening to myself one as I spend 20 mins or so with each dc sometimes up to 10pm. But they need that time alone with you.

Treasure family time. Watch movies together with pizza, cuddle up on the sofa.

Don't compare your dc with their siblings. They are different with different strengths and weaknesses. Let them know they don't have to be perfect and they are lovely as they are.

Thought of another one - let THEM decide when they are too old for bedtime stories, being tucked in and things like that. Never get rid of toys until they are WELL past being played with.

Great thread. Thanks...

Love them unconditionally
Make home their sanctuary
Don't judge them
Dont be all soppy and sentimental at 2am!

Dancergirl, I am nodding in agreement with everything you say.

This is a wonderful and very inspiring thread.
So glad to be a MN member.

Also agree meal/food stress is not worth it. That "let them go hungry " shit boils my piss

It is a lovely thread- restores my faith in human nature!

I do however take the stress out of meals by having a take it or do without policy. I do not run a restaurant! Having said that I put it all in bowls to serve themselves and wouldn't serve something where they can't eat anything. Everyone is allowed 3 or 4 things they really can't eat. The other thing is to get them cooking as soon as they are old enough- and helping from a very young age.

i dont know whether this will make yioyu feel better or worse but i had the best upbringing.yes there were every day family troubles but my parents were the best!!and it didnt save me from my problems or from getting a serious life threatening illness.but what happened then mattered,becasue they loved me,becasue i new i could alwwqys rely and trust in them i new id get through.so i think as long as your there for them.as long as they know love and get guided the best you can then thats all you can do.

I think that if you want them to be kind and thoughtful you ought to establish that it extends to mother. It isn't fair to expect her to cook a different meal for you at the end of a busy day, just because you don't particularly fancy what is on offer. While I think spending time with individual children is great, they also need to know that mother needs time alone for hobbies, to read or just chill out- that mother has friends and may well go out to a book group, evening class etc. make sure they get used to babysitters early on so that you and DP can go out together, without them.
The thing to remember is that 18 yrs goes in a flash, looking back, and then you have decades (hopefully) with your DP and you have to still have him as the person you want to share your life with. Even if you are single it is much easier to get on with your life after children if you kept one going all those years.
That is all so much better for the children- there is nothing worse for a young adult than a needy parent where they feel responsible for their happiness.
Have a network of family, friends, neighbours etc early on and use it. ( obviously repay by helping them too!)

I was always struck by a school we looked at when eldest DC ( now in her 20s) was about 4. It had 2 rules ' be kind' and. 'don't run in the corridors'.

We never did rules, bedtimes, curfews, parental controls on PCs ( or much of what seems to be called 'parenting' really) and DCYs have always chosen their own schools (or to opt out of school), subjects to study, friends, clothes etc and so far that has worked out fine in the end.

I do wish I had somehow got them to realise that household tasks should be shared between all occupants of a house, while they were still living at home, not once they had moved out.

Agreeing about not having meal stress. Here I say that they have to try any new food that I cook but if they don't like it then I don't cook it again. If one DC has a favourite meal that another doesn't like then I make a point of cooking that meal on an evening when the one who dislikes it is on a sleepover or eating with friends.
If they don't eat their dinner then they can have something later if they are hungry - either reheat their dinner or have toast/fruit/soup/whatever they can find in the kitchen. If I don't eat my dinner I don't go to bed hungry so I can't see that it's reasonable to expect my DCs to do it.
I've never grounded them - I want home to be somewhere that they want to be rather than somewhere that they have to be. I try to be pretty relaxed about stuff, my 11 year old has been asked to tidy some stuff he's left in a mess in the lounge but he wants to do his homework instead. That's fair enough. They have their own jobs to do, mainly emptying the bins and as long as it's done when full and ready to go out on Monday morning I don't mind when they do it. Their rooms are their own responsibility - I don't go in them for dirty laundry, maybe I should, but they are old enough to use a laundry basket and if something isn't clean because it's on the bedroom floor then so be it.
Oh, and I hug them when they need it.

Oh agree about elaborate systems for pocket money based on what you do about the house. In my opinion you should just do it because it's kind and considerate and that is it! I can't be bothered with the complicated systems

I think it is the security of knowing that you are always there for them. My eldest left home 15 yrs ago- he is back with his partner for a 3 week period between flats- there was no question of not having them and helping out.