Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

I see a lot of posters have said a parent needs to teach a child to be kind.

This is true.

But I would also say that to thrive in life, they also need to know how to be flexible and resilient. Being able to deal with life's slings and arrows is what will see them through.

Wordfactory, I came back to mention resilience. Don't overprotect your children or try and solve everything for them. Things don't always go your way and it's important children learn to deal with that.

Sadly I knew several children whose parents, with the best of intentions, stepped in and solved every issue they had as they were growing up. This had disastrous consequences when they went off to university and were totally unequipped to cope with the ups and downs. It's hard to see your children unhappy, but better it happens when they are younger and you are around to teach them coping strategies.

I agree it hurts like hell to let them go.

When DS1 went to playschool, I had a tear. He looked at me and said "why are you upset mummy, I'm coming home at lunchtime!"

In July, he joined the army, which he chose over university. He was there, standing tall, upright and smart in his suit. He oozed confidence and was so enthusiastic and happy. My heart was a mixture of pride, but pain. I wept for an hour in the car (wasn't driving).

We took him to his new base a month ago, it is so far away. I cried for ages when we left him, because he'd been home for 10 days and the house had felt "right" again. It doesn't now.

I'm sticking up on tissues for when DS2 goes in September.

I agree about ressilance teaching them to be kind is great but they need to know not everybody is kind people will be mean not like them or even indifferent towards imo children need to be equipped to deAl with that.

thefairycaravan maybe bulk buy

Fairy caravan your post brought tears to my eyes
I have a 25 and an 18 year old
My job has been to make myself redundant
My mantra has always been 'never be afraid to say no' children need consistency and boundaries as well as knowing they are loved and part of a family
I am so proud of my children. They are not perfect but they are both funny, caring and kind. most of the time
I hope the world is kind to them

mrsjayy I'm thinking of taking over Kleenex. It's the only way, tbh!

Totally agree about resilience and not over protecting them.
It really does them no good what so ever to never experience boredom, upset, challenges and all you can do is let them know you are there for them whatever.
Kindness also doesn't equal letting people stomp all over you - looking after yourself and knowing what makes you tick comes first.

I also think teaching them good self care is much neglected and thats where routine comes in- eating well and regularly, getting enough sleep and exercise.

God I sound like I am some sort of stern Frau who makes her children roll in snow because its good for them

Aye

I am still policing my 16yr olds sleep I know I shouldn't but she would be up all night on her bloody phone I did leave her do it when she went back to school in August god she ws a nightmare in the morning so school nights im in charge

Made them take more responsibility for doing things round the house, I always done it all and now they complain if they have to help. They will probably live in pigstys when they grow up :(

I've got four children, they're 25, 23, 8 and 2.75.

It's much harder work raising the youngest child. My eldest two were less screen obsessed, and I'm strict about screen time, and just played out a lot more. I really don't like dd (8) being out if my sight even whet she's riding her bike round our small, no car block. That's very different!

School is also very different. Lots more parent participation and many more requests for money for one thing and another.

I'm proud of the eldest two. They're doing very well despite some wobbles. They both have children, ds2's son has downs. That boy is a blessing to all of us, and I'm so proud of ds2 and dil.

If I could change one thing, it would be time. Less time worrying about housework, ironing etc and more family time. I'm lucky to have a second chance with my little ones and my precious grandchildren.

I'm right in the thick too, with a 2yo. But I try to remember the saying that goes something like

"Listen to the small things when they're small so that they'll tell you the big things when they're big. To them, it's always been big things"

Most of what ds says is babble, with an increasing number of recognisable words mixed in. It doesn't cost me much to smile, nod and say "Oh, yes, really? Do you think so?" every so often :) I just hope it works now!

Think I will save the thread for reference in the future years, lots of different advice to refer to, thankyou one and all!

I don't want to derail such a lovely thread - we could discuss tears when your dc leave home on another thread if people want to, but had to reply to Claraschu. Nobody had been rude to LetsFaceThe Music. Having a different opinion from someone, or asking them to explain to us what they mean, is discussion in my book - what MN is all about, it is not 'being rude'.

As you were, everyone else.

mrsjay if you feel you need to police sleep then that's fine IMVHO.

Whilst we strive to give our teens as much responsibility and independence as possible, they are not yet adults and some things still require intervention I think. After all they're teens and have not yet fully developed their ability to look at things objectively and in the long term

If you always keep the end goal in mind of ensuring your DC can do everything they need for themselves without stressing or getting overwhelmed I think you get there in the end - while remembering each DC is a different individual with a unique experience of the world and they won't do everything to the same timetable.

What a beautiful thread. Ds is 2 so think I need to print this out as my parenting manual.

Be positive, cheerful, and nice about life in general - and a lot of life will be positive, cheerful and nice back to you. Also, you're the master of your soul. Own your decisions, be the person you admire, and help the kids understand what sort of person to be, and then get them to self-regulate on whether they are being who they really want to be...

(i have no kids so am not really qualified to comment. But I have a lovely husband, and another lovely friend who both taught me all that, in my 30s. If my parents had known any of it, our lives could all have been very different indeed. If I have kids, it is what I will try my hardest to get across.)

I have read every word written here and if every new mum followed these 'rules' they will bring up wonderful little people....BUT...I would like to add that even if you lose the plot and make (big) mistakes...if you have love, security and can talk, you can still get back on track and raise wonderful DCs...I was unwell for a while after the birth of DC3...I'm afraid DS1 got the brunt of my misery/anger/failings...but we have a lovely relationship now...Yes I bitterly regret some things, never was a perfect Mum..but must have done something right as all mine are well thought of, independent and lovely, lovely adults...OH and I must give my DH some credit too!...never undermine...if there is something that you don't agree on, talk privately...Never say bad things about them in front of the DCs...And enjoy your Children...they soon grow up...

BackForGood: you are right, saying you were rude was too strong. I do feel that saying: "I felt nothing but pride" and "You shouldn't feel pain" to someone who was obviously feeling the wrench of a child just gone away to uni is a little bit harsh and unsympathetic. I thought she wrote with heartfelt eloquence, and people were telling her not to have the feelings she was having. Most people have mixed feelings when their children move away from home; it's not exactly hard to understand.

Also, I think she wrote in the spirit of this thread: remember that our children are only ours for a short time. Enjoy them and prepare yourself and them for the moment they take flight.

Dd so isn't a morning personsigh

Purple

damn right.
I remember my parents brushing me aside when I was a kid. they weren't prepared to listen unless it fitted in about 2 mins of their time.
(cue countdown music)
it got increasingly hurtful, they would become rude if I was stretching out a story (coz I wanted the attention. so rude )
so when I was 14 and changed schools I found some good mates and new hobbies and I stopped talking to them. and I swore I'll never tell them anything important.

I'm 40 now and of course I'd tell my parents big things, but I have a crap relationship with my mum and she's almost akways the last one to be told about anything (even big things)

so I make a point of listening to my kids (and admit to pretend listening at times ) because I want to know what goes on and I want them to know I care and I'm interested.
and when I'm otherwise occupied or don't have time "right now" I always get back to them so it's seldom a case of "later turns into never".

top tip there.

I have to admit Zing I don't actually know what ds is on about most of the time. Only 1 word in 10 is actually a word sometimes, the rest is a sort of blurry copy of how a sentence might sound - a bit like things look without my glasses on (am short sighted) if that makes any sense?!

From my limited experience of older children and Minecraft, Pokemon, football, Bin Weevils, dinosaurs etc that's a state of affairs that's set to continue for a good few years yet