Reworking of popular television programmes

[TalcAndTurnips]

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

Scars in their Eyes - channel five documentary about failed cataract operations

The Bill - four couples eat out together and discuss whether to split it equally or each pay their own (spin off show - 'But you had Wine and We Didn't ' )

Cunt Down - people take pot shots at annoying aquaintances, whilst solving anagrams

24 Hours in A and E - and still waiting to be seen.

Horse - An erudite equine detective, who enjoys opera, crosswords and hay.

Nappy Valley Locals complain to the council about the landfill stench.

Line of Dirty Locals complain to the council about the unemptied wheelie bin stench.

X Fraction OU attempt to attract the mobile phone generation to the world of maths.

The Thick of Shit Inside look at daily life in Westminster.

Antiques Goadshow - Fly-on-the-wall slo-mo footage of grumpy old bastards in a twilight home fighting it out over the last custard cream on the plate, egged on by the stick-waving and slipper-throwing of bystanders.

Glandstand - Frank and explicit all-nude sports magazine programme

Bell's Kitchen - England batsman Ian Bell shows off his new Poggenpohl kitchen, complete with peninsular unit and built-in microwave. Episode 12: Ian spends twenty minutes working out how to switch on the dishwasher and then makes a cup-a-soup (tomato and basil)

Jamie's 15-Second Meals - Cheeky Cockney chef Jamie Oliver demonstrates how to open a variety of ready meals whilst making overtly orgasmic grunting noises

Pop Idle - Reality show featuring lazy arse wannabe popsters lounging in bed until 3pm, waiting for the phone to ring with offers of album and tour deals. It doesn't.

Bit niche this one ...

Deal or Kim Deal - people open boxes in front of Noel Edmonds until they find a new bass player for the Pixies.

This is the funniest thread I have ever read on MN - have nominated it for Classics!

The Shite Stuff - Matthew Shite invites Daily Mail readers to phone in and talk bollocks.

Invocation Invocation Invocation - Kirstie and Phil call on the spirits to persuade channel 4 execs to commission another mindless property show.

Mimewatch - Police ask viewers to report irritating street theatre acts.

The National Lottery 'How Fucking Thick Are You?' - Dale Winton asks very simple questions, contestants tediously ponder the answer for seven or eight minutes and then get it wrong.

Genuinely LOLing at Kurri's suggestions :)

On the Kirstie and Phil theme...

Embrocation Embrocation Embrocation -Kirstie and Phil invite house hunters to share the benefits of Deep Heat muscle rub.

One shorn every minute - televised Welsh sporting event

Hollypokes - orange tanned poxy faced teens in a Cheshire college get beaten with a spikey bush for moaning constantly about their inconsequential navel gazing problems.