Reworking of popular television programmes

[TalcAndTurnips]

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

punygod - are you actually a commissioning bod for television? Your ideas have Channel 5 written all over them - inspired.

I'd quite enjoy Unembarrassing Bodies. Honed Adonises walk in to Christian Pixie Dawn land and flop their tackle out on the examining couch. When asked what seems to be the problem, the patient just grins and replies: Nowt - it's fecking magnificent, ain't it?

Gnomes Under The Hammer. Lots of people bid for the opportunity to smash tacky garden ornaments with blunt objects.

Dolby City - like Casually, but with really good sound.

Wish I was, Talc.

I know a commissioning bod for telly. Maybe I should show him this thread.

What about the following?

Pat Cash in the Attic
Episode 4 Pat rigs a net over a period sideboard and practises his serve.

House of Curds. Kevin Spacey whips up lemon curd mini-tartlets.

Plaid Men Don Draper models the latest tartan.

Mardy You've made me after a rotten day at work.

West Wail Liberals gather in Cornwall to bemoan the decline of democracy.

MC Hammer House of Horror

The one time pop-funkster turned preacher presents badly faked massacres and bewitchings whilst dancing to his latest crazy beats

How I met two broke girls - the next outing for Ted, Marshall and co after the end of the series.

Actually that probably is going to happen.

Breaking Badgers

A documentary about badgers who go bad after being evicted from their nests and barge around breaking stuff.

I knew this would be you, Talc.

Celebrity Come Fuck With Me - inexplicable and outrageous practical jokes on a range of annoying hosts such as Jeremy Clarkson

Murder She Committed

Chirpy and amiable ex-school teacher poisons, shoots and stabs to death those who have annoyed her in her sleepy seaside town.

The victims include:

Mr Forgetful the postman who could never find her parcels.
Mr Belch the butcher whose mouth was always full and who never washed his hands.
Mr Dazzle the sweep who kept trying to push his brush up her chimney.
Ms Lemon the librarian who had a stop watch to record lending times and refused to allow after-hours research.

Foyle's Bookshop

Michael Sad and Honeysuckle Chin-Up sit in a dusty wartime bookshop and wonder why they have no customers.

The Only Way is Wessex - follow the lives of 19thC yokels as they farm, weave and drink cider.

Game of Thrones - quiz show where the top prize is a gold-plated toilet.

Cuntyfile - tour of the UK to find the biggest cunt

Have I Got Pews for You - showcasing the best of ecclestiastical furniture

SmugHeads

A team of insufferable know-it-alls are pelted with rotten eggs while reciting all the winners of the 1895 Biggest Git Competition. Any omission or wrong answer means shells inserted in the eyelids.

Could we have Come mime with me with some of those "interpretive dance" folk ?

Saturday Moaning Kitchen

Desperate sent by their agents odd-bods pretend they like food and sit in a corner sulking about the failure of their latest off-off-off-off West End mumble while Keith Floyd videos play disconsolately in the background.

Oh wait...

Carrie and David's Pop Sock - each week a neon-coloured lurex sock pens a tune in a different genre

Donner Date - instead of faffing about in the kitchen on 3 nights, potential dates phone for a kebab. Best one (mildest food poisoning symptoms) wins.

Celebrity Masterwind... the winner is the celebrity who farts the National Anthem all the way through.

Have we had The None Show?

No one presents, no guests appear, no shite, no gimmicks.

who do you think you parp b list celebs trace their ancestry by fart alone.

Tour de Francesca Annis who can cycle around the much loved actress the fastest..

kirstie's homemade mouse using decidedly less fabric than the last series

Cuntryfile

MNers take turns to share their spreadsheets

Blind Date

Blindfolded guests pick out a Middle Eastern semi-dried fruit and eat it. Spitting, not swallowing, is expected. As far the stone is concerned, anyway.

for Fiderer after her bad day.