Reworking of popular television programmes

[TalcAndTurnips]

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

Sterling work here on this thread - brilliant suggestions.

Television would be so much more diverting with programmes such as these.

We mustn't forget the kiddies - so may I offer:

Randy Pandy - frighteningly explicit capers with the favourite 50s rag doll. Here We Go Lubey-Lou takes on a whole new meaning as Randy goes cruising up the Reeperbahn with Teddy in search of a 'live' stage puppet show.

Doggingtanian and the Three Lusterhounds - Like Dogtanian but set in the back of a Ford Cortina Estate in a car park in Epping Forest.

Bill and Ben The Grow-Pot Men - Two permanently wasted ageing hippies living in a terraced house in Plaistow that is actually a cannabis factory. Episode 5: The lads get busted by the Met again and manage to bribe their way home with the offer of some top-quality shit. In HD.

Very Blue Peter - you probably know where this one's going. See everything - including the one they laid earlier.

I give you University Challenge Anneka.

This is a role reversal show in which Anneka Rice gets to answer obscure questions about atomic numbers and the painting of Gainsborough.

In the meantime, a bunch of student geeks don jumpsuits and are repeated filmed boarding a helicopter with a camera stuck up their arses. They must maintain a cheerful disposition throughout so as to appear a "good egg" rather than some uppity feminist who doesn't want their bum objectified on telly.

What would Wincey Willis be doing at this point Mards?

If I recall correctly, she used to move the picture of the helicopter about on the map. I think we can probably replace her with a graphic.

I just hope Wincey won't be doing Jezza Paxman.

Her real name is Florence Winsome Dymmock. Now there's one for Baby Names.

The Crystal Meth
5 contestants are locked in cells and forced to consume a kilo of meth in 2 minutes whilst Richard O'Brien plays the harmonica and calls them 'bitch'.

I'd like Ch5 to do "Unbroken Britain - life without benefits"

A shockingly ungritty documentary where a middle income family calmy discuss whether to upgrade their four door Ford Focus or buy new Velux blinds for the conservatory.

The Great British Rake Off
Middle class families compete to have the neatest, most weed-free garden.

Homes Under The Hammer
Derelict and manky homes are declared unfit for purpose and destroyed by a combination of wrecking ball and sledge hammer.

Antique Road Show
Julia Bradbury and Tony Robinson host this series which sees them travel the length and breadth of Britain in search of the oldest roads. Highlights include a collection of potholes in Milton Keynes and a Linconshire street so narrow that neighbours who park outside their own homes are likely to receive nasty letters from other neighbours.

Constipation Street
This latest documentary from Channel 5 offers a fascinating insight into the effects of a poor diet among the working class in a suburb of Manchester. Gillian McKeath hosts.

Mop Gear

Tanned enthusiasts in neon clothing compare the latest in steam mop cleaning gadgets.

Endeavour in Morse Code

For those who enjoy a first name riddle wrapped in a cryptic crossword mystery inside a whisky-laden enigma.

All of these are brilliant.

Wank, She Wrote - An erotic novelist is always meeting up with old friends and hoping to get new ideas for her stories. For some reason, horrific bedroom incidents occur wherever she goes, resulting in red-faced police investigations and much mumbling by the local doctor...

Diagnosis Mordor - Forensics wizard Gandalf and his trusty Hobbit detective solve crimes among the well-to-do of the fantasy world.

Gordon Ramsay's Fuckarama - the angry chef turns up at soft-core film sets and hands out severe criticism and advice. Director usually ends up in tears, and most of the staff are fired and replaced with those willing 'to be more professional'

gogglefox

foxes wearing goggles in the dark.

teenrun- teenagers made to run for their dinner

the biggest loser- people nominate the biggest idiots in their lives; " this is my neighbour Trixie, she does bbqs in a bin, and once she set fire to the fence", then viewers ring and vote for the biggest losers to go into the Big Loser House for a week where the Loser Games ensue ( man, i'm getting carried away with this idea)

The Undercover Toss - middle-management employees attempt to sneak into executive washrooms unseen and knock one out in their lunch break.

Beastenders - soap opera set in the world of Hans Christian Anderson

One Born Every Minuet - the hardworking midwives of Jane Austen's era, fly-on-the-wall documentary-style

Red Dwarf - Holiday abroad programme hosted by a shirtless Anthony Worrall Thompson, visiting places where sun-cream would be advisable but is strangely hard to come by...

Strictly Come Dine With Me - dinner parties with strangers are hosted in front of a live studio audience hosted by Davina and Terry Wogan, and then judged by a panel consisting of Aleesha, Alan Carr, David Walliams and Angela Rippon.

Big Brother
Initially seems to be much like the usual show, except that when the contestants get into the house they are confronted by their big brother (or alternative relative/nominated person) who gives them an earful about not being so damn stupid and drags them home. Roll credits, the end.

Swishbuckle
Gem, Cook, Line and Sinker crash Strictly Come Dancing.

Being Numan - three undead Gary Numan impersonators share a house and write '80s synth pop while trying not to eat Gary Numan fans. Only the real Gary Numan can either cure them or help them pass over into the afterlife, but where is he?

Only Fools and Hors d'Oeuvres - sitcom based in a restaurant that only serves fruit fool and canapes.

Sun, Sex, & Suspiciously Voyeuristic Commissioning of Borderline-Age-Legal Reality Series Saga Holidays - adult offspring of ageing retired parents stalk them on holiday and count the calories, kisses and cocktails imbibed on Mediterranean bus tours and mini-cruises from Southampton.

CountDog

Contestants get 60 seconds to name as many canine breeds as they can using the given consonants and vowels. The maths/numerical bit - only in 4s.

Colombo

Detective in a mac gets lost in Sri Lanka searching for cigars.

Sherlock Homes

Find me a fecking house.

(And Mardy, thanks for the flowers )

QY

Stephen Fry faces a panel of inquisitive three year olds who ask "why? Why? Why?"

Will Very Blue Peter include sticky back plastic?

Eastendesert Island Disks

The entire cast of the doom-laden murderfest are marooned on a barren island somewhere far away with nothing but CDs by Martine McCutcheon, Sid Owen and Michelle Gayle

NCID Gibbs and team move to the West Midlands to crack cases based in Birmingham and surrounding areas?

How did I miss this thread ? These are brilliant !

Lark Pies to Candleford - drama about selling innovative pastry products in a nearby market town.

"Flog 'em": Irritating provincial antique dealers and annoying auctioneers are subjected to public floggings in historic market towns.