Reworking of popular television programmes

[TalcAndTurnips]

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

X Factor Meets The Hunger Games

When you get through to the Final 12, they're dropped into an arena and have to kill each other and the winner survives.

Moomin - I sense a kindred spirit in you.

I don't think Joe McElderberry would have won in this format of X factor.

Bouncing on with his cheeky Geordie smile - and TWAT - a left hook from Olly Murs and he would have been toast.

Little Mix could have held their own though.

Hole in the Wall

They tried to have me arrested when I started my Powerpoint presentation, and I hadn't even got to the bit about antibacterial hand gel

Once one of the X Factor judges (I forget which) declared that having to choose between two acts was "like Sophie's Choice".

I did begin to wonder if something else happened backstage that we never found out about...

I'm SO on for that version of X Factor.

Small aside but I want a 'dad dancing' round on strictly. And a 'pissed up auntie at yer wedding'.

Old Master Chef

Classical artists recreating food from their time?

We could also have...

Meal or No Meal - you open one box a day. You're not allowed any food until you open the box with food in it.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire's Shortbread - Combine Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Great British Bake-Off. I'm not sure how it would work, but I really like the title.

Casually

Set in the most laid-back hospital department

Flashcard EastEnders - where they are only allowed to communicate by holding up bits of cardboard box with words on.

The complication is that there is a limited selection of words available.

These are:

Princess
Geezer
Luv
Cafe
Lager
Yeah?
Ohdomeafavour
Nan
Ain't
Bastard
Cheating bastard
Janine
Kirov Ballet

I love Casually Jenny.

I can see some poor unfortunate turning up with an axe buried in his cranium. The triage nurse looks up from her Take A Break, raises one eyebrow as she chews gum - and goes back to the article she was reading.

The junior doctors are playing trolley racing up and down the corridors. Charlie is having a kip in Crash.

'Stab wound coming in, eta 5 mins'

Zoe 'oops, someone's going to need a new shirt' and off she teeters to the chocolate vending machine

MasterMicrowaver

8 contestants. 6 dishes. Cooking doesn't get easier than this.

Those who climb over others (maiming and gouging permitted) to get to the plastic trays go onto the next round.

The semi-final: the 4 who manage to read the instructions.

The final: the 2 who manage to Prick with a Fork.

The Winner: the one who puts the food on a plate.

Embarrassing Bodies Blind Man's Buff

Dr Christian and team have their eyes closed but are given 20 mins and some gloves to diagnose patients

Doctor Who Gives A Fuck?

Shall we whizz through time and space to help save/defeat an alien race with a face like a bucket of guts?

Nah. I'll stay in the Tardis and shag the young and winsome assistant who is inexplicably attracted to me.

Maybe Later with Jools Holland. Or Maybe Not.

Come Mine With Me.

Four attention-seeking fuckwits get sent down into a dark pit where no-one can see them, hear them or even know they exist.

The Gone Show.

The studio sits empty. The sofas are unassailed by z-list bottoms. There is no inane chat, no patronising features, no mortified guests whoring themselves out to flog a book/record/programme.

It's bliss, and the theme tune's ace:

"Gooooone! Goooone! Goooone! Gooone! GOOOOOOONE!"

The Saucier Apprentice
A bit like normal Apprentice, but Alan Sugar and Nick Whatsit have to wear nothing but stockings and suspenders, whilst perched behind their translucent turquoise table. Karen Brady is a much classier act in Agent Provocateur undies.

Point Less.

A show in which people point less than normal.

I can see Lord Sugar in studded, hand-tooled leather. He descends from his helicopter, swinging out one fishnet-clad leg and then the other.

You're FIRED - but here's my number.

Mardy

Crouching tiger, dragons den

Hilary de Vey and Duncan Bannatyne practice round-house kicks on the worst ideas from unsuspecting entrepreneurs

It's A Cockout.

Where most of the seventies are re-enacted by people in giant outfits, doing assault courses.

The Generation Game

People of various generations rolling past on a conveyor belt while being pelted with home-made dough and sloppy pottery.

Hit 3 grannies in a row and you get to take home a cuddly BBC executive.

Match of the Day-
Coverage of the tiddlywinks league
OR
Football with live commentary from ex-players MIL
'the little boy in red passes to the little boy in blue...ooh the dirty boy just spat..doesn't he have a hankie?'