Reworking of popular television programmes

[TalcAndTurnips]

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

One shorn every minute - televised Welsh sporting event

Hollypokes - orange tanned poxy faced teens in a Cheshire college get beaten with a spikey bush for moaning constantly about their inconsequential navel gazing problems.

[Inertia]

Genuinely LOLing at Kurri's suggestions :)

On the Kirstie and Phil theme...

Embrocation Embrocation Embrocation -Kirstie and Phil invite house hunters to share the benefits of Deep Heat muscle rub.

[KurriKurri]

The Shite Stuff - Matthew Shite invites Daily Mail readers to phone in and talk bollocks.

Invocation Invocation Invocation - Kirstie and Phil call on the spirits to persuade channel 4 execs to commission another mindless property show.

Mimewatch - Police ask viewers to report irritating street theatre acts.

The National Lottery 'How Fucking Thick Are You?' - Dale Winton asks very simple questions, contestants tediously ponder the answer for seven or eight minutes and then get it wrong.

[Anarchy99]

This is the funniest thread I have ever read on MN - have nominated it for Classics!

[Inertia]

Bit niche this one ...

Deal or Kim Deal - people open boxes in front of Noel Edmonds until they find a new bass player for the Pixies.

[TalcAndTurnips]

Antiques Goadshow - Fly-on-the-wall slo-mo footage of grumpy old bastards in a twilight home fighting it out over the last custard cream on the plate, egged on by the stick-waving and slipper-throwing of bystanders.

Glandstand - Frank and explicit all-nude sports magazine programme

Bell's Kitchen - England batsman Ian Bell shows off his new Poggenpohl kitchen, complete with peninsular unit and built-in microwave. Episode 12: Ian spends twenty minutes working out how to switch on the dishwasher and then makes a cup-a-soup (tomato and basil)

Jamie's 15-Second Meals - Cheeky Cockney chef Jamie Oliver demonstrates how to open a variety of ready meals whilst making overtly orgasmic grunting noises

Pop Idle - Reality show featuring lazy arse wannabe popsters lounging in bed until 3pm, waiting for the phone to ring with offers of album and tour deals. It doesn't.

[Fiderer]

Nappy Valley Locals complain to the council about the landfill stench.

Line of Dirty Locals complain to the council about the unemptied wheelie bin stench.

X Fraction OU attempt to attract the mobile phone generation to the world of maths.

The Thick of Shit Inside look at daily life in Westminster.

[KurriKurri]

Scars in their Eyes - channel five documentary about failed cataract operations

The Bill - four couples eat out together and discuss whether to split it equally or each pay their own (spin off show - 'But you had Wine and We Didn't ' )

Cunt Down - people take pot shots at annoying aquaintances, whilst solving anagrams

24 Hours in A and E - and still waiting to be seen.

Horse - An erudite equine detective, who enjoys opera, crosswords and hay.

[Vingtdeux22]

"Flog 'em": Irritating provincial antique dealers and annoying auctioneers are subjected to public floggings in historic market towns.

[Inertia]

Lark Pies to Candleford - drama about selling innovative pastry products in a nearby market town.

[Inertia]

How did I miss this thread ? These are brilliant !

[VeryThelma]

NCID Gibbs and team move to the West Midlands to crack cases based in Birmingham and surrounding areas?

[JennyOnTheBlocks]

Eastendesert Island Disks

The entire cast of the doom-laden murderfest are marooned on a barren island somewhere far away with nothing but CDs by Martine McCutcheon, Sid Owen and Michelle Gayle

[ChickyEgg]

Will Very Blue Peter include sticky back plastic?

[PrueDent]

QY

Stephen Fry faces a panel of inquisitive three year olds who ask "why? Why? Why?"

[Fiderer]

(And Mardy, thanks for the flowers )

[Fiderer]

CountDog

Contestants get 60 seconds to name as many canine breeds as they can using the given consonants and vowels. The maths/numerical bit - only in 4s.

Colombo

Detective in a mac gets lost in Sri Lanka searching for cigars.

Sherlock Homes

Find me a fecking house.

[DeathStar]

Being Numan - three undead Gary Numan impersonators share a house and write '80s synth pop while trying not to eat Gary Numan fans. Only the real Gary Numan can either cure them or help them pass over into the afterlife, but where is he?

Only Fools and Hors d'Oeuvres - sitcom based in a restaurant that only serves fruit fool and canapes.

Sun, Sex, & Suspiciously Voyeuristic Commissioning of Borderline-Age-Legal Reality Series Saga Holidays - adult offspring of ageing retired parents stalk them on holiday and count the calories, kisses and cocktails imbibed on Mediterranean bus tours and mini-cruises from Southampton.

[Spirael]

Big Brother
Initially seems to be much like the usual show, except that when the contestants get into the house they are confronted by their big brother (or alternative relative/nominated person) who gives them an earful about not being so damn stupid and drags them home. Roll credits, the end.

Swishbuckle
Gem, Cook, Line and Sinker crash Strictly Come Dancing.

[DeathStar]

Beastenders - soap opera set in the world of Hans Christian Anderson

One Born Every Minuet - the hardworking midwives of Jane Austen's era, fly-on-the-wall documentary-style

Red Dwarf - Holiday abroad programme hosted by a shirtless Anthony Worrall Thompson, visiting places where sun-cream would be advisable but is strangely hard to come by...

Strictly Come Dine With Me - dinner parties with strangers are hosted in front of a live studio audience hosted by Davina and Terry Wogan, and then judged by a panel consisting of Aleesha, Alan Carr, David Walliams and Angela Rippon.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

The Undercover Toss - middle-management employees attempt to sneak into executive washrooms unseen and knock one out in their lunch break.

[TeaAddict235]

gogglefox

foxes wearing goggles in the dark.

teenrun- teenagers made to run for their dinner

the biggest loser- people nominate the biggest idiots in their lives; " this is my neighbour Trixie, she does bbqs in a bin, and once she set fire to the fence", then viewers ring and vote for the biggest losers to go into the Big Loser House for a week where the Loser Games ensue ( man, i'm getting carried away with this idea)

[DeathStar]

Wank, She Wrote - An erotic novelist is always meeting up with old friends and hoping to get new ideas for her stories. For some reason, horrific bedroom incidents occur wherever she goes, resulting in red-faced police investigations and much mumbling by the local doctor...

Diagnosis Mordor - Forensics wizard Gandalf and his trusty Hobbit detective solve crimes among the well-to-do of the fantasy world.

Gordon Ramsay's Fuckarama - the angry chef turns up at soft-core film sets and hands out severe criticism and advice. Director usually ends up in tears, and most of the staff are fired and replaced with those willing 'to be more professional'

[trikken]

All of these are brilliant.

[Fiderer]

Mop Gear

Tanned enthusiasts in neon clothing compare the latest in steam mop cleaning gadgets.

Endeavour in Morse Code

For those who enjoy a first name riddle wrapped in a cryptic crossword mystery inside a whisky-laden enigma.