Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

The time has come, the bridegroom said
To cough up all your cash.
Your cheques, your notes, your silver coins.
Whatever's in your stash.
And chuck it in the wishing well
To hear it make a splash.

@Thumbwitch

Hurrah! It's in Classics, fantastic! Thanks KateSMN (nice haiku - can't think of much that rhymes with Classics except brassic, which might have been appropriate! )

of course!

This thread is now a Classic
Weddings can make you brassic
Something something something
And dinosaurs belong to the period Jurassic.

Perfect.

I'm not much of a poet so apologise if this does not meet the usual high MN standards.

< coughs nervously >

Your wedding looked lovely, especially the bunting,
But if you think I'm cunting forking out for your Aga,
Sorry but I'd rather spend it all on lager.

A wedding is a celebration, not a money making scam,
I really am quite baffled that you didn't do a raffle.
You are now a laughing stock and I bet your husband has a tiny cock.

I hope your well has a nasty smell coming from it,
Because in it I did vomit.

As I'm penning this poem, it just occurred to me that monetary (sort of) rhymes with cuntery.

< bows>

No. It can't be true.

Wtf is wrong with people?! This is horrendous!

Seems like they're turning a wedding into a business!

I think it's due to the cost of weddings and people getting married after setting up home.

Eg, when dh and I got together I had to buy bedding & towels and at the time if someone had given them to me I'd have been happy.

Now I have most things we need & the things I want are more expensive luxuries.

I blame wedding mags too, all this "Jenny had a bespoke wedding dress made from 300 yards of silk, she had 40 fitting sessions, it was £30000 and went perfectly with her bespoke annello & davide bridal shoes". It makes it seem normal to spend that much.

If it's genuine...

a) It is a crime against poetry (a verse remniscent of William McGonagall's worst)

b) It has brass than the London Philharmonic

and

c) Is more grabby than a grabby thing (think crab or one of those demolition machines)

Not convinced of the authenticity of this story, though.

just awesome...hope the OP follows through on emailing some of these to the happy couple.

Love it Andy. Never before had the following sentence been constructed...
'But if you think I'm cunting forking out for your Aga,
Sorry but I'd rather spend it all on lager.' Genius.

Thanks catsize! I might try another one later!

I am sitting on the edge of my well in eager anticipation...

The grabby thing is a good idea, hoboken - maybe Wally could offer it alongside the Wishing Well o' Wedding Wonga? The guests all put soft toys 'worth' up to £100 per item into a large box, and the bride and groom get 30 seconds per go to claw out as much as they can before their token runs out. The £100 items would be hard to pick up, but I guess the bride/groom in this case could help by manhandling the box onto its side or something. Punching it to get the big prizes to the top.

By 'claw' I mean with one of those arcade claw game things. Not with their bare hands. Although...

I cannot. CANNOT.

Or perhaps a Crystal Maze scenario? Where bride and groom are locked in a glass case for 1 minute with a mixture of whirling gift certificates and fake banknotes.

That would be a crowd pleaser watching the grabby bastards clawing each others faces off for a John Lewis gift card

Wally you need to get in touch with some kind of TV production company. That concept could be sold worldwide.

The reused to be a "Win your wedding" type game show in the 80's IIRC. Possibly as a follow on to Blind Date?

To the tune of 'Oh My Darling Clementine':

All our friends and those on Mumsnet
And throughout the family
Have been bitchin' 'bout our kitchen
And our plan to make it be

Chorus: All we wanted was an aga
Granite worktops, fancy taps
Larder cupboard, island unit
Surely not too much to ask?

So we came up with a cool plan
For when we came to tie the knot
They'll pay for dinner, that's a winner
And put some cash into the pot

In pride of place at our reception
Will stand a charming wishing well
We'll make all these friends and rellies
Give some money, ring the bell

Keenly did we dash to our room
For our romantic nuptial night
The bed was mounted, cash was counted
Couldn't believe they'd been so tight

So we looked at one another
Said 'Oh dear, this just won't do
We will show them with a poem
And out of them more dough we'll screw'

All you people think you're clever
Castigating us in verse
But call us grabby, we'll get stabby
You'll be leaving in a hearse

Chorus: All we wanted was an aga
Granite worktops, fancy taps
Larder cupboard, island unit
Surely not too much to ask?

How did I miss this thread brilliant.

I must send it to my friend who is getting married soon and hasn't done any of these things.

Hasn't done any of these things yet you mean acid

Nice swan Queen!

Absolutely dying at this thread especially www.WWWWW.com which is still making me wheeze like Mutley.

Excellent Queen!

Queen, that is all class!