Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

(Posted too soon. Oops.)

The bride was in the counting house
counting out the money
The groom was in the parlour
starting to feel funny
The well was in the garden
With its little bell
And all the guests remembering
This wedding straight from hell.

punygod - I love that reinforced grabbiness: 'so make a contribution'. It reminds me of Alan Partridge in The Day Today when he says 'so join us for blah blah blah. JOIN US.'

Here's one I wrote earlier.

A follow up to "save the date"
The bride has starved off all the weight
The strapless dress is hanging ready
There's a bow on hubster's childhood teddy.

We've been together quite a bit
We've got the twigs and pebbly shit
The toaster, china, flatware too
So here's what we would like from you.

We've grown quite tired of one another
(And wifey fancies hubster's brother)
We hope some Caribbean sun
Might reignite the long-dead fun.

So never mind your handmade offers
We need you all to swell our coffers
Our overdraft and credit cards
Maxed out - we've got the whole nine yards.

A stately venue, for the pics
Designer dress, designer knicks
Three hundred guests, vintage champagne
We hope to christ it doesn't rain.

So here's our special bank account
Choose your own (three fig!) amount
Let's hope a month at Sandy Lane
Will numb out existential pain.

Sorry to leave you with no updates - pretty manic with work at the moment.

The sheer brilliance of some of these poems is astounding and is far too good to waste. A fair few of them will be finding their way to the happy grabby couple by numerous means over the next few days and weeks.

I plan on not so much burning my bridges but more blowing them up spectacularly!

I love this thread, particularly the fact that Weddingpoet is willing to actually send the genius replies. Please at christmas can we all Janet and Roy them with a little ditty of our own and some small change sellotaped to the card a la everyone's gran in the 80's?

OP goes off to blow up bridges
Bride, she goes to look at fridges
Good luck OP - they're something else
Like Scotland's nippy pesky midges.

Seriously, 'bridges' is tricky...

I like your style, OP.

May I offer:

"I paid two hundred quid to see you get wed,
A new frock and hat, the cash gift that you said,
Add in the petrol, the stag and hen do,
Send you more money? ARE YOU ON GLUE?

I paid for my dinner (which is usually free),
So all things considered I think you owe me.
Send me a check for five hundred pound,
Or I'll tell the whole Internet how grabby you sound.

Oh, too late, knobbers"

Or for a touch of "class", this haiku:

The wishing well bell
Sounded its toll on my heart
Our friendship is dead.
Twats.

Okay, so I've sneaked an extra syllable in there, but it just needed that extra resonance.

Weddingpoet - I love your style! Hope you namechanged though, or will forthwith if you plan on sending any of these stunning contributions to your "family".

Someone asked how people can suddenly decide it's a good idea to send a poem in a wedding invitation - maybe it's because friends of theirs did it and they thought it was a good idea, being as how they weren't on MN at the time and didn't realise it was considered grabby and vulgar? Just a thought.
Asking for money has never been considered grabby and vulgar in my quite wide and varied circle of friends, so a poem would have just been the next step.

Shameless (unlike Weddingpoet's rellies ) place marking, too tired to fully appreciate everyone's ickle poems

Weddingpoet OMFG

To the tune of Watzing Matilda

Once a grabby married couple camped by a wishing well
Under the shade of a wedding canopy
And they sang as they watched and browsed their kitchen catalogue
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me

Grabbin Bridezilla, grabbin Bridezilla
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me
And they sang as they counted out the wishing well takings.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Up came the wedding guests, passing by the wishing well.
Out came the wallets - one two three.
Though they'd paid for their food and drink they still chucked in some cash.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Grabbin Bridezilla, grabbin Bridezilla
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me
And they sang as they counted out the wishing well takings.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Lickin their lips the bride and groom counted the cash
From the biggest fifty quid to the smallest 1p.
Is this all there is? Cried Bridezilla, munching wedding cake.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Grabbin Bridezilla, grabbin Bridezilla
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me
And they sang as they counted out the wishing well takings.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Oi, you rotten bastards, don't ya know what kitchens cost?
Get out ya piggy banks and give us the key.
Are you blind or just tight? Didn't you see the fucking wishing well?
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Grabbin Bridezilla, grabbin Bridezilla
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me
And they sang as they counted out the wishing well takings.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

They penned their demand in a poem, but it ended up
Posted on mumsnet for everyone to see.
The replies all agreed - tell them where to stick their wishing well.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Grabbin Bridezilla, grabbin Bridezilla
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me
And they sang as they counted out the wishing well takings.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

Now they ain't got no cooker, to rustle up a shepherd's pie.
And barely a kettle, to make a pot of tea.
They're a mumsnet classic thread, and no longer pals of Weddingpoet.
You'll come a grabbin Bridezilla with me.

That's excellent, Badlad!

I so wish op would have a proper leather bound book made with all these poems lovingly handwritten and present it to to Mr and Mrs grabby

With apologies to Hilaire Belloc.. one I wrote yesterday

Bridie Nash, Whose Demands Exceeded Her Means

The chief defect of Bridie Nash
Was wanting quite a lot of cash
On birthdays and on Christmas day
Her relatives would have to pay
As greedy little Bridie grew
Material demands did too
Not for her a makeup kit
Or Claire’s Accessories sparkled shit
(Beloved of the other teens)
She wanted the designer jeans
The shoes that all the film stars wear
At twenty thousand quid a pair
And handbags made of crocodile
Might make the greedy Bridie smile.

But money doesn’t grow on trees
And soon enough, the facts are these
That Bridie’s parents hit the skids
From subbing their expensive kid.
“I know,” she said, “I have a plan!
I’ll find a nice, well off young man
And he can pay for what I need!”
There was no end to Bridie’s greed.
Soon enough, she found a mate
A most compatible candidate
A chap with aspirations grand:
A manor house with lots of land
But sadly, he too wasn’t rich
No film star he. Ain’t life a bitch?

“No problem,” said the wily pair,
“We can get cash from anywhere!
A wedding party’s just the thing
To subsidise our need for bling.”
And so they threw a fancy do
Invited guests and randoms too
Of course, they paid just for the hall
In which they held their lavish ball
The guests could pay for what they ate
With small admissions at the gate
A wishing well stood on the side
For money sent from far and wide.
A short while later, Bridie sat
And counted up the cash from that.
“Oh no!” she wailed, “It’s not enough
To pay for our expensive stuff!”

Outraged, her groom composed a ditty
Bemoaning the total of their kitty
And sent it out to everyone
Demanding a much better sum.
But patience is a finite thing
Especially with regard to bling -
The guests, outraged at such a cheek
Contacted a computer geek
Who hacked into their wedding funds
And sent the cash to far off lands (sorry!)
Their promised kitchen fund now pays
For all the most deserving strays
Cat shelters can accommodate.
The bride and groom had to make do
With cheaper stuff from B&Q.

'Twas in July the wedding vows were bless'd
Amidst such jubilance,yet such profess'd
Amazement at the mother's whory deeds,
And horror at the groom's financial greed.

And later still, when food and drink were served
The massed crowds did rightfully deserve
To take their fill of bacchanalian treats
Of sparkling wine, of aromatic meats.

But soft! what yonder vision there awaits
Abundantly reclin'd on china plates?
A glorious feast to thank their weary guests
Who, tired from long travails, now needed rest?

An insult! and it whips them like a lash -
For now they must convey their hard earn'd cash.

Hope you like this one! it's actually a sonnet, in three quartets and a couplet, and I pretty much managed the iambic pentameter too! great thread btw

Just PM all the lovely poets with the address, and I'm sure they'll happily post a copy to them!!!

Just think, lots of poems from around the world!

I wonder what Jane Austen would have made of it all.

Looking at all the verses in all sorts of styles (most impressed by your use of the sonnet there, Donnie), it amazes me that the couple managed to send out something so crap when MNers can create something so much better out of thin air!

Classics, surely?

What rhymes with classics?*
Nothing. I'll do a haiku
You might not notice.

*I know there probably are lots of words but I am vair tired.

All these poems in response are rather wonderful and very clever but how are you actually going to respond to them OP ??

In a similar vein to your maiden aunt, I'd have no hesitation in telling them to fuck off to the far side of hell, though I'm sure she didn't use those exact words somehow.

Why did they even bother to write some crappy poem when "we haven't got enough money, we want more so give us some" would have been the truth of it ?

bacchanalian

brilliant word

Hurrah! It's in Classics, fantastic! Thanks KateSMN (nice haiku - can't think of much that rhymes with Classics except brassic, which might have been appropriate! )

Jurassic

vlad and Donnie - Bravo! Bravo!

(And KateSMN too, from a fellow haiku contributor)