Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

Do I infer that he was successful from your use of 'And lured me in'? Not 'attempted to lure me in'.

I imagined a tent in your bedroom - a sacred sex space. Your sex tent is far less weird and creepy.

OH says thank you
You should have just seen us
We rolled in the tent
And I was grateful it was Friday

We don't live together btw. He doesn't just give my bedroom away to relatives.

He started it first, Maryz.

He's probably got a stash of monetary poetry hidden away to spring on me.

It's ok, I assumed you didn't live together because his sex tent idea might have been rather less successful if he'd just rented your room out.

"But it's fine, we have a tent LineRunner, who needs walls?"

Yep, that's pretty much how the conversation went.

Oh my god - I've just read the baby shower poem. It is an insult to poetry but the sheer shitness of the rhyme reinforces the nastiness of the sentiment behind. Quite clever when you think about it. But I doubt they were aiming for that.

The C word is flashing through my mind, and I save that for really special people. I think the authors of the Wishing Well and Avaricious Parents may well fall in to that category.

A fucking picture frame? For $95? No matter how favourable the exchange rate, that is WAAAAAY too expensive to be the cheapest item.

It would be like being on holiday LineRunner, and they generate a lot more sex than non-holidays. Might give it a go myself although I don't actually know how to pitch our tent and our friends still have it....and they are in no rush to return it. Hmmm. I bet I know what they are up to.

The baby poem is very special.

'If this offends
Don't attend
But fuck off we hate you now'.

Please for the love of all that is holy, compile the poems and send them all and report back

Has nobody come up with WellsWally yet?

Can we call all future grabby behaviour on MN herein "ringing the bell" please?

How do you become the kind of person who not only thinks it's acceptable to send out these poems to family & friends but actually has the balls to do it? I don't know whether to be disgusted, amused or admire their brass neck!

Thinking about it.... if they can get away with that surely the whole rulebook's out the window? Why wait for a hatch or a match? Why not just ask whenever you fancy putting a few rhyming couplets together.....

I so enjoy my internet friends
My time on Mumsnet joy transcends
But as you're stuck within my screen
My celebrations you have not seen

I love to go on Talk and chat
To gawp at threads, thinking 'fancy that'
But while I sit and laugh, or cry
My real world has passed you by

You missed my birthdays, Yules and dates
The lack of cards or gifts - it grates!
But I feel you'll wish to make amends
And ensure our friendship never ends

So let me know what you want to do
My Paypal address I'll send to you
You can send some cash in just a click
Or I'll email my Amazon list in a tick

So send about fifty quid for fun
I'll consider your past mistakes undone
But if you don't, or your cheque should bounce
Look out, caution, watch me flounce!

Oh, that's far too romantic that tent poetry....

Where's the references to "pulling back the flaps" and "erecting a big pole" or "spreading my canvas over his hardstanding"

I knew I should've taken that job at Mills and Boon.....

Send a poem reply every hour, on the hour from an anonymous email address.

We have some really talented poets here on Mumsnet, perhaps you can offer classes to the bad poets who write these grabby rhymes in the first place!

Grooms can be odd,
Brides even odder,
But this thread is perfect
Mumsnet classic fodder.

Many thanks for the email you sent,
I am sure that no offence was meant.
You, see, on reading, I took it to mean
That the money you'd been given was a little...too lean?
Now let me honest, oh please bridey do,
You stupid bloody wedding cost us a fortune, or two.
We splashed out on outfits, booked a hotel
The thought of a party was initially swell,
Then "pay for your food, give us cash" the invite declared
The grabbier nature of you both was bared *sorry not sure about that
Ok, we thought, they are family
And the aunts, uncles, cousins, it'll be nice to see
The car was filled and the miles passed by
With only three games of "I sodding spy"
We arrived at your wedding, cash held in hand
Placed it in the well as per your demand
Some were in tears at the expense of it all
I do warn you now, greed comes before a fall.
I hope that all the people who you emailed today
Have asked for a refund, or refused to pay,
To be honest, when I read it, I was taken askance,
It just goes to show you are a pair of....very greedy people.

This is possibly the best thread I have seen on here. I am in mumsnet heaven.

Just because your pantry's shabby
Doesn't mean you can be grabby!
Your lack of funds to buy an Aga
Has started off this sorry saga.

Now we hear your wishing well
Was not that full, a silent bell.
A campanologist you need
To ring your bell and sate your greed!

Failing that you could just hire a professional pick pocket for your next "do" - christening, house warming, divorce party, whichever comes first!!

I spent my money on the drink
But now I've had some time to think
The shame I feel is now immense
So please accept my gift - two pence.

I rather like to think the offending couple might read mumsnet in which case they know what others think of their greed

Love the anonymous email address idea. Just send a link to this thread!

Sing a song of weddings
A mum with heavy thighs
Four and twenty wedding guests
Breathing heavy sighs
When the day was over
The bride began to sing
Bloody fam'ly, so-called friends
Ain't left us anyfing.