Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

Thanks Tess

Or instead of the second paragraph, you could just have "I don't think I'll come, darling, it all sounds frightfully vulgar, as we say in England! Love and hugs xx"

Oh ok thanks Wally, where do I sign up...

Seems legit

The MNthology of Monetary Poetry

It's a winner.

I really should have known better than to read this on the [train] Quiet Zone...

And I'm in love with punygod. There. I said it.

Parsing, I think you have found the grail.

OP did you respond? Update please!

Loving all the poems...made me laugh out loud!

Nancy - you are right, they are usually thrown for you, but I was told by another friend that Grabbetta (as she will forever be known to me now!) wants to throw her own so it is "done right."

Well that's matches and hatches covered...

Now, what's next?

Sadly we are very broke
And sadly so is Uncle Sonny
He died with a smile on his face
So give us
Your fucking money
Because the funeral bill just wiped the smile of ours

Oh, Pedant.
blushes

I mean

off ffs

Actually I reckon you could get away with running a casino at a funeral where I come from.

I'm sorry to say
Our dog passed away
We need a headstone
In the shape of a bone
Granite is dear
And engraving is too
And Rover always
Really liked you
His tail would wag
When you came in
He didn't bite much
Or shag your shin
So a small donation
Would show you care
In return we'll send you
A lock of dog hair

As the proud holder of a degree in English, can I commend everyone on their poems please. Special mention to the limericks and haikus because they are right bastards to get right. 'Right bastards' is a technical term obviously.

Otherwise, on the subject of the OP's experience, I am nearly speechless. They have put such effort in to their fuckwittery.

If you can't afford a big do, don't bloody have one. But don't have one just to get money out of people, which was clearly the aim. "Darling, let's get everyone here, it won't cost us anything as they can pay for their own food and then we'll just mug the bastards as they leave. Then chase them down afterwards."

I wonder if they'll send debt collectors round to the people who didn't cough up?

You need to poo on a cupcake and send it to them.

Be careful when you make the swirl.

Wedding Wishing Well Debts R Us.

I could run that little money-spinner from the sex tent* in my spare time.

*OH's idea of privacy. Long story.

These poems are brilliant.

But I'm so ashamed. My DBro and Chavzilla put one of these grabby wishing well poems in his wedding invitation. To say our parents and is were mortified is an understatement. I didn't think he was like that...can only assume it's her gold digger attitude talking.

Awful. I would have to say something to them.

LineRunner sex tent? Surely you knew someone was going to ask - you can't just leave it at that.

Imagine writing that on what should be your honeymoon. Christ.

I like beer
But beer is dear
I also like wine
But it can't be mine
For I have no cash
It's a pain in the ass

I know my friends
So dear to me
Would to like to help
Me get out of my tree

So in my front garden
I've placed a well
How much I'll collect
It's hard to tell

I'll accept a cheque
But prefer cash it's true
See you down the pub
First round is on you!

Skyninja, OH bless him gave up his bedroom for ages to some family who needed it, and in the heatwave set up a tent in his garden with fairy lights and a little shelf for Chardonnay. And lured me in.

OH has decided
We need privacy
At first we decided
To shag up a tree
But I hurt my back
And OH nearly fell
So it's back to square one
And the old wishing well
We would like to purchase
A small tent for our pleasure
Just a two man
To enjoy at our leisure
We will need some pegs,
Guy ropes and a pole
All this is dear
So here comes your role
Please could you send us
Spare cash, post haste?
Then OH can pitch a tent
With a smile on his face.