Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

SHIT SHIT SHIT sorry wrong thread, have reported

As you know we've bought a car
To meet our friends we travel far
We know you'd love to see us more
But to pay for petrol is a bore
So if you'd like to contribute
Cash or cheque, we'll not dispute
Just post it through our letterbox
Address it to 'The Grabby Cocks'

There was a young couple who wed
When their finances were in the red
So they made a big splash
By asking for cash
And lost all their good friends instead

Or alternatively

Weddings are joyous
Bank loans are for new kitchens
Don't combine the two

punygod - I really think you could go into business with these, they're great!

" The Grabby Bride's Book of Nursery Rhymes"
(copyright Dido productions)

Mary, Mary quite contrary
How does your wishing well grow?
With not enough dosh
We're crass not posh
And our kitchen needs stuff, you know.

Baa baa grabby bride
Have you any sense?
No sir, no sir but give me 30 pence
Ten for the wishing well
And ten for the meal
And ten for the kitchen fund....or hear me squeal!

Mary had a wishing well
It looked just like a bucket
And when her wedding day arrived
Her friends told her to... (oh, is that the time?)

Our bathroom was looking quite outdated
So we've had it renovated
But now our towels look all sad
And the bathmat's just as bad
Crappy shower gel just won't do
And neither will shit shampoo
So if you want us smelling sweet
With fluffy towels to dry our feet
Please send us all your spare cash
So we can buy Molton Brown
And feel all flash.

It is Tuesday
In this house 'Blues Day'
The lack of money
Is just not funny
We're not getting married
I'm not up the spout
Opportunities for blagging
Have all run out
So putting it plainly
With no fake tact
I want some money -
Yours, in fact.

The Mumsnet Book of Poetry anyone?!

puny - pure genius :-)

TessOfTheFurbyvilles was that for real?

Sauvignon - very, very real I'm afraid.

I wish it wasn't, because this couple were one of the first to welcome us when we moved to the States, they turned up at our door to introduce themselves and were lovely.

It's hard to equate the warm and welcoming couple from that day, to the ones who have sent this poem, and the rather eyebrow raising gift list that was included.

Yet more money ? You're having a giraffe
But at least you gave Mumsnet a good old laugh

OMG Tess, can you be 'busy' on the day of the party?

Short, sweet and succinct, trufflehunter

Bloody hell, Tess.

Tess

I have always been a reasonably staunch defender of money requests at weddings though I've always drawn the line at poems. BUT THIS IS ALL APPALLING!

When I look down at my chest
It really leaves me rather vex'd
I have no swelling - its akin
To tiny little aspirin
I'd love a cleavage to cut a dash
But for that I need some cash
So come and support my knocker inflation
By giving me a large donation.

I have reached that point in life
You all must recognise
When all the pies and cake I ate
Have settled on my thighs
My tummy is no longer flat
My bum has grown a bit
And so the upshot of this is
My clothes no longer fit
My jeans no longer will zip up
My blouses will not button
Across my bosom and my skirts
Make me look like mutton
And so kind friends, I think you will
All know where this is leading
A brand new wardrobe is the thing
Your dearest friend is needing
Nothing fancy, don't despair
Just High Street brands will do
I will accept vouchers of course
But cash is just fine too
And then I will look just dandy
To come and visit you!

That is just the worst one ever. Who the hell though of the wishing well. That is just horrible. How do these people sleep.

Sauvignon - I'm also pregnant right now, in fact I'm due just two weeks after her shower, so my excuse will be that I know I won't feel up to it. Which I probably won't!