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Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

620 replies

Weddingpoet · 21/07/2014 09:43

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

OP posts:
bluemoonday · 22/07/2014 09:00

I'm laughing at the mental image of people emptying their pockets into the well....spare some loose change, guvnor?

mummytime · 22/07/2014 09:08

The title offered so much... but I thought it couldn't fulfill, however how could I have doubted Mumsnet?

This is a classic.

punygod · 22/07/2014 09:09

When we received your invitation
We sighed but went along with it;
'Cos a wedding which requires donation
Is always going to be a bit shit

However, we did the decent thing
I bought a hat, he bought a suit
We rang up with our debit card
I had the chicken, he had the soup

When we arrived and saw the wishing well
We rolled our eyes and smirked a bit
But we dutifully made our contribution
Gritted our teeth and got on with it

You see, we are decent people
We're not the type to strop
We'll go along with grabby bastards
But there's a point at which it stops

Take your fucking kitchen
Which will certainly be crap
And shove it up your arsehole
You grasping pair of twats

You've had all you are getting
From us, for ever more
You're lucky we're not knocking
On your front fucking door

And asking for our money back
For the suit, the dinner and hat
The wedding was shit, we hated it
And you both have married a twat.

myotherusernameisbetter · 22/07/2014 09:15

This is the best laugh I have had in years - especially the wishing well business stuff - thank you all.

I also love the raffle idea and wonder what other money making thinks you could do?

Guess the weight of the Bride?
Knock the bride and groom from the top of the cake like a coconut shy?
Guess the day of birth of their first baby?
Guess the date of the divorce?

Guess how much was in the wishing well? :o

HavanaSlife · 22/07/2014 09:21

We bought our food and gave you money
The note youve sent just is not funny!
The cash I gave I now want back
Because you're being a bloody twat
the money received was not enough?
Its because we dont like you so I say tough
We really do not give a stuff
So do one grabby, enoughs enough

Idocrazythings · 22/07/2014 09:24

OMG, I can't believe
The email from you I did receive
We came to your day,
And yes, we did pay
For both our meal and into your well
And now you want more...
Bloody hell!

fromparistoberlin73 · 22/07/2014 09:31

what cunts!!!! love it!

StealthPolarBear · 22/07/2014 09:43

Came to nominate for classics. Love ellenmns apology and "How about a papier-mâché dove with a giant bulldog clip in place of a beak?" Is still making me snort

Miggsie · 22/07/2014 10:07

I am trying to be generous and think possibly they need the money as all his cash goes to supporting his 5 children and their mothers?

In which case, I'd send a voucher for contraceptives which would be of more use to him.

And the name of a divorce solicitor for the bride.

I wonder if they tried to sell photos of the wedding to Hello seeing as they see it as a money raising venture capital occasion.
Who says romance is dead?

LineRunner · 22/07/2014 10:13

I've been thinking that perhaps the way forward for the weddings-at-a-profit industry is to set up a casino at the reception.

The bride and groom could be croupiers, and the groom's mother in her mini-fronted-long-backed frock would make a perfect cocktail waitress and could angle aggressively for tips.

myotherusernameisbetter · 22/07/2014 10:28

Line runner...and maybe lapdances from the bridemaids?

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 10:40

Bloody hell - these people get worse - and I thought the baby shower poem I got yesterday was bad enough!

What is it with these grabby people?

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 22/07/2014 10:43

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BadLad · 22/07/2014 10:49

Let's hear this baby shower poem.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 10:57

Fate - this it it...

You're invited to our baby's shower,
There will be lots of games,
Including guess the names,
And plenty more fun to be had.

Being asked to attend is an honor,
So we ask something of you,
It won't take you long to do,
Please buy a gift to make us glad.

Because you see babies need a lot,
And though baby is due early fall,
We still don't have it all,
And this makes us feel bad.

To make it easy we have a list,
Of the items left we need,
Don't buy off list we plead,
We don't want to get mad!

Now the following is most important,
If our gift request does offend,
Then you do not have to attend,
Though this will make us sad.

And finally we simply say,
We hope to see you there,
As then we know you care,
About the future mom and dad!

After reading it several times, I've concluded that no gift = don't attend, and that if you buy "off list" it will make them mad.

Oh and if you are there, you care about them, and if you aren't then you clearly don't care.

And of course, most importantly, the list itself (which I won't post) features items which are NOT baby essentials, like a silver photo frame for $95 (the cheapest item) and a rocking horse. It specifically says "no clothes, no books, no bottles and no diapers, we have all that."

If they have all that, then they DO have what they NEED for the baby, they just want other people to buy the non-essential stuff they WANT for their baby.

I won't be going!

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 22/07/2014 11:08

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DidoTheDodo · 22/07/2014 11:12

I think my jaw has just dislocated, it dropped so far.

Thumbwitch · 22/07/2014 11:12

YY to the baby shower poem! G'wan, you know you want to share! Grin

nothankyoufeckoffplease · 22/07/2014 11:15

Loving this thread, even though part of me still can't quite believe it. Particularly love your haiku greyhoundgymnastics.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 11:18

I think you should send them a book of Baby's First Poems by A Grabby-Bitch, N O'Taste and C Rass. Fuck That Rocking Horse Publishers, 2014.

Would it be wrong if I e-mailed that to them?!

vladthedisorganised · 22/07/2014 11:20

Oh Tess, that's priceless!

So what gap in the market do we need to plug?

"You're invited to a little do
To celebrate our downstairs loo
For months we've tiled, installed and plumbed
For somewhere else to park our bum
And now we have the extra bog
We want our friends to be agog
But bathrooms don't just build themselves
We still need towels for our shelves
Some fancy soaps and bathroom mats
And a cute little 'IN USE' plaque
We know gift lists are quite passé
And so we'd like our guests to pay
A fairly generous donation
That we'll react to with elation
We'll get ourselves a wishing well
(Complete with tinkling little bell)
We don't like coins, but notes* will do
And we are sure you'll love our loo!"

(* minimum £200 donation per person appreciated)

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/07/2014 11:22

Did they know that you can get a baby shower wishing well too?

www.WWWWW.com

I would advise all readers to go back and read the poem Punygod' posted in the voice of Alan Bennett. Sounds epic.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 11:27

Vlad - that is utterly brilliant. I'm giggling away!

Thumbwitch · 22/07/2014 11:28

Balls, forgot to refresh, didn't see it was already there, sorry! :)

punygod · 22/07/2014 11:30

We had a shag
And what a drag
I'm now knocked up
So please cough up