Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

I like the idea of the turnstile business....

This thread is hilarious. Hurrah for Mumsnetters!
Much more interesting than reading about bedwetters.
A grabby wedding couple (and a dash of amusing mods)
I bet their kids turn out to be right little sods.*

*The wedding couple's children, that is, not the mod's ...

I just died at moomin's poem!
Please send it, OP!

What happened to a nice little wedding list at John Lewis, Habitat or the local independent department store covering a wide range of value. so the poor couple didn't get 6 toasters? or you could get a dinner service that matched allowing poorer guests to buy a small piece of china, kitchen aid etc. and then you received a nice thank you note

I would not attend a wedding where I was asked to buy my own food or where the main concern was how much money they could get out of me. What horrible, rude people! Jeremy Kyle would be too up market for these cretins

Bride and groom, if I'm being polite
Your wedding party was really shite
We came because we're family
That's the only similarity
We paid for our meal
Cos that was the deal
And now we know how you really feel
There wasn't enough in your wishing well
To get the new kitchen so do tell
Did you work out a figure per head
And you realised with an awful dread
That those coins instead of notes reflected
That your grabby wedding was indeed rejected
In favour of our own new kitchen, fully installed
And I hope you both are really appalled
That our envelope we stuffed with money
Was in fact monopoly but so fucking funny.
don't spend it all at once :)

S'probably not the done thing but I'm nominating this for Classics, just for the pomes!

Loving this thread! Some talented poets on here, unlike the bride and groom.

I want to write a pithy little poem about moving this thread to Classics but my brain is too fried from jet lag I'm afraid.

www.WWWWW.com

I mean really the funniest and cleverest thing in a long time.

And kudos to EllenMN, a deletion apology in rhyme? Honestly? I love this thread.

There was a young couple so grabby
That they left all their guests feeling stabby
Their classy aisle dash
Just to extract the cash
When they felt that their kitchen looked shabby.

Oops, missed pages! (There was no limerick yet back there, just a request for one.)

And Ladies (and some Gentlemen) we have here today this year's undoubted MN Bride- and Groom-zilla of The Year winners for 2014!!! Sorry TidyDancer but this pair knock spots off GlueZilla from last time

You made us cough up our own dosh
Before we got the wedding nosh
So we ain't buying no new cookers
For either of you cheeky fookers
For days and days we've all been itchin
To tell you where to stick ya kitchen

Can this please please go into classics ??

This is definitely worse than the woman who wanted to charge £20 a head for her child's 1st birthday party. And that's saying something.

Let me dispel
Your misapprehension --
Your wishing well
Transgressed convention.

And furthermore
Your poetry
Was an offence
Against probity.

Sorry about the last two lines. What I really wanted was to use the word bucket in one of them.

Fantastic thread - all the poems, but especially Linerunner's and Catmint's, are hilarious, although think www.WWWWW.com (arrgh auto link conversion!) made me laugh most. And Kate Middleton Marital Jaws of Greed.

Maybe take a leaf out of e.e. cummings' book [NB. This should be in the shape of a V sign but the formatting is too difficult]:

              did           you
             think        asking
              <span class="italic">sans</span>     verse
              had      caused
              your      low
              tally?     no it
        was charging for
      food and all the rest.
     your new song stirs
      nothing in my heart.
      like your wedding.
       take your shaker
        style cabinets if
        that is what you
        want and shove
         them
           up.
            your.
             arse.

Brilliant, Eugene!

Another vote for this to go into classics!

Thanks Wally, I would be honoured. Can I be Chief Bell Selector Executive Officer please? I can spot a proper bell end a mile off.
(sorry, not usually so crass but couldn't resist - please don't fire me on my first day.)

Thanks ABI .

Eugene, that has made my day.