Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

[Weddingpoet]

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

at EllenMN. The thing is, if it had been sneak advertising your speedy intervention might have saved a MNetter from that fate worse than death, a tacky wedding.

We can't believe you are for real
We've already shelled out for our meal
You really aren't needy
Just entitled and greedy
But you'll just have to look for a deal

Tacky? Moi?

Oh go on then, Ellen I'll forgive you if you pop £50 in an envelope

Wow! And to think I feel bad asking people to repay money they owe me!

Only in a bespoke, hand crafted wishing well Wally

@ EllenMumsnet .... just when you think the thread can't get any funnier....

Of course Ellen I have a range of bespoke models for all budgets.

I'm thinking of bringing in a new range:

Wheelbarrow of riches
Giant grasping ceramic fist

I'd love to hear customer feedback.

wwwWWWWW.com

at Ellenmumsnet

Quite excellent !

Wally, I've just thrown together a papier mache open-mouthed hair-tossing head of Kate Middleton called The Marital Jaws Of Greed.

You can have that for a tenner. But you have to supply your own wig because I think think the burnt spaghetti I've used might come across as disrepectful to the older generation.

Oooh that's elegant Linerunner

It might be more romantic to have a pair of grasping hands.

How about a papier-mâché dove with a giant bulldog clip in place of a beak?

Or for building work money raising themes - a sequined cement mixer....

You questioned the contribution we're making
But let us correct you, for you are mistaken.
For when we drew close to the well for to wish,
Did you not hear the sound of a gentle long hiss?
That's right, coz you take it, we gave you some piss.

I await with baited breath the first turnstile wedding.
If Wally's wishing well business doesn't work out maybe self-service tills, like they have in Tesco? Scan your invite, the machine tells you how much you owe and you pay. It's more convenient because you can pay by cash or card. No money, no entry.

... and now, please do sit down, and spin round on THIS.

Loving the poem replies. Struggling to believe anyone would actually send that! Its ridiculous.

That poem was crass.
Stick it up your ass.

Wally's new venture was about to take off
And she wondered just who might suppot her.
She posted on Mumsnet about her great wells
And someone went on to report her.
But just like this wedding, her wells were a joke
But Ellen, she just didn't know.
She wrote a small poem from MNHQ
Expressing her sadness and woe.
She begged for forgiveness from CEO Wally
Who wanted some remuneration
Coz the only true way to get someone to pay
Is with bells and with wells and much gumption.

Rude does not cover it!!

Ugh that's so awful! I'm cringing on their behalf, but it sounds like this is fairly typical for them, not some sort of Bride/Groomzilla episode.

I'm old fashioned too and would prefer no reference to gifts at all in invitations, and certainly no poems! Perhaps the old "no presents, just your presence" if really necessary.

The crowd funding wedding article has wound me up a bit. I can't understand why strangers would donate money for a perfectly ordinary couple to have a fancy wedding. There are so many worthy causes in the world!

I wonder if there is a business called Tunbridge Wells...
Wally?...

So what have you replied OP. You have to send one of the riposte poems so that the story can continue and you can share it here.

I might have an executive reshuffle and get you on the team cat.

Loving all these poems.

And Wally's www.WWWWW.com is making me roffle.

You invited us all to join in your day
And made it quite clear we're expected to pay
We paid for our food and gave you some cash
were you charging admittance for your wedding bash?
Your wishing well was a little bit twee
But I gave you the money, decor's not up to me
Now the bells have stopped ringing, confetti blew away,
And you're making demands of those who didn't pay
You need a new aga! A fridge! A new hob!
And we've got to fund it (or you could get a job?)
The reason I think this is just a tad wrong,
is that by your track record, you won't be wed long
And a beautiful kitchen would be wasted, I fear,
on two people who must have brass neck, nose and ears
But not much between them, and few relationship skills,
What's next? Asking us to pay your water heating bills?
So the back details I received on the letter today
Have been sent to Prince Umbaliumbaliay
He sent me an email promising riches
So there's your contribution, you grabby little bitches
You're going to need it, so I wish you good luck,
Now fuck the fuck of to the far side of fuck.