fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

[TeggieCampbeggBlegg]

cat. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and food food food food food.

BigDog. Follow cat and breathe and pant and herd and pant and bark and herd and breathe and bark.

SmallDog. When not shagging the cat wilk not leave BigDog alone. Nose up arse and lick and lick and yap and yap snd lick snd sniff and luck and sniff.

All. The. Fucking. Time. Round. And. Round. And. Round. In. Circles.

I no longer love them. In fact I hate them all.

[LizzieVereker]

Best. Thread. Ever. Haven't been able to see properly for a bit, as I got as far as "Cunt Hamster" and have been crying since.

Do wild animals count? I am being bullied by a robin. It is fond of DP as he is the gardener round these parts, and it comes to knock for him every day. I kid you not, it is on the back doorstep every freakin day, four times a day, shouting "Come out and dig up worms! COME OUT NOW and DIG WORMS my human minions!" in robin language.

I think it's going to come in and peck me soon. I wish it would feck off back to a Christmas card and stop hassling me.

[doyouwantfrieswiththat]

tbf I create more hair balls than the cat, but I do keep a water pistol under my pillow for those times in the night when he expects me to be nocturnal too.

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

Lizzie, sorry for your pain and all, but I kind of love that you are being bullied by a robin. Have you ever seen The Birds? When they come to get you, it will be like that, but with many, many robins.

I was once bullied by a rat. He was a right wanker. Lived in our floorboards, but used to lie in wait until DP was asleep, then 'scritch scratch, scritch scratch, squeak, squeak, squeak'. Prick.

[ipswichwitch]

SDTG, there is most definitely a right and wrong way for the wind to blow up our cats bum, as evidenced by the comedy facial expressions!! They range from properly indignant complete with huffy stalking indoors to mild surprise, ears flattened but standing still with tail in the air

The bigger knows the sound of a tin of tuna being removed from the cupboard too. Before I've even found the tin opener she's there, wrapped around my feet like novelty slippers. She's not fooled by the sound of a tin of beans or sweet corn.

[lubeybooby]

Oh this thread is brilliant.

I have three cats. WHAT THE FUCK POSSESSED ME? I HATE them all, bastards, bastards, why, why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy why

Bastardcat1: thinks she is a dog. Follows me everywhere, obsessed with food. has learnt new trick of sinking claws into my knee to get the 'I want food' point across. This replaces old tricks of drooling on me and sitting just looking at me for hours

Bastardcat2: long haired. sheds/moults enough fur to replace the wool of a thousand sheep every fucking hour day. LOVES to puke on rugs, especially where I am at most danger of standing in it, bleary eyed in the morning.

Bastardcat3: Just insane. Fearless and will climb anything. Does the constant in, out, in, out, in, fucking out, fucking in, ffs. Will not mew politely at the back door to come in like the other two, instead dramatically HURLING herself as high as possible at the front door, go go gadget claws engaged, scraping down as she goes.

If I close my bedroom door, she wanders around the house at night meowing to go out, waking us all up. If I keep it open, she repeatedly jumps on my bed, and does a whole routine of pawing at me and meowing, purring, settling down and getting comfy for a bit, then hurtling off for a mad half hour on the stairs before coming back to repeat the settling down process.

Little fuckers.

Oh and as a piece de resistance, Bastardcat1 like to leave a leaning tower of pooza by the dishwasher as soon as one of the other cats has dared to pee in the litter tray.

[ipswichwitch]

I got bullied by a large hairy spider. Fucker used to appear from under the telly, march to the middle of the living room floor and give me the hairy eyeball(s, they have many). Bastard cat is so lazy she'd just sit there indifferent to my terror, with a "well aren't you going to deal with it? I have more important things to do like eating my own winnets" look on her face.

[Flossbert]

I don't have any pets, thank god, but when I was a girl we had a cat, a goldfish and a hamster. The hamster, soon after the true noisibess of his nocturnal enterprises became apparent, had his cage on a trolley, which was wheeled into the bathroom every evening to allow me to sleep in peace. The little fucker was like Houdini and constantly escaped. In a fit of pique I threw away the "stopper" that he kept pushing out of the roof of his cage and instead placed the Children's Oxford Dictionary on top. He chewed through to Jelly in one night!

Also the cat once knocked the goldfish bowl onto a brand new mattress. The insurance refused to pay out as the damage was "not accidental". The claim handler must have been a bastard cat owner herself.

[LtEveDallas]

Currently looking after my DNeices JRT. It hates other dogs, never been socialised. I take MuttDog to work every day, so JackDog had to come too...into an office with 6 other dogs.

Nightmare.

JackDog has snarled and whined all day. If PuppyDog has come anywhere near her she has snapped. Cue PuppyDog hiding under my desk in fear - PuppyDog is the size of a small giraffe. MuttDog tries to sleep in her normal position under my desk next to PuppyDog. DanDog wants play with his best friend PuppyDog - under my desk. JackDog takes exception to this and climbs into my lap. PrincessDog starts barking to remind everyone that she is the boss. Sets JackDog off. And on. And on. And on. Didn't get much work done yesterday.

Come home and JackDog goes straight to the rabbit hutch. She thinks there are rats underneath it again. Whine, bark, whine, bark, dig, whine, bark.

I go into feed the rabbits. EvilBun decides that I am the enemy because he is scared of whine, bark, whine, bark, dig, whine, bark and takes a chunk out of my ankle, I fall forward and knock CuteBun who jumps in fear onto the nesting box, the lid of which seesaws up and smacks me in the chin. Fucking hell.

JackDog won't come in no matter how much I call. At 8pm DD goes outside because she wants JackDog to sleep with her. JackDog comes to her call, but not before DD treads in a poo in the dark. Brilliant.

Everyone goes to bed. Lovely.

0130 this morning. JackDog starts being sick. Don't ask me what it was, but I now have 3 dog beds outside the back door coated that ill have to deal with later. And a pissed off MuttDog because all the beds are hers - JackDog avoided her own bed.

Could be worse, it could have been mine.

Oh, I love my animals so very much.

[wannaBe]

and if all this isnt bad enough the feckin things die and leave you with distraught ds to deal with "can we get another rabbit mummy? please?" noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then there is the cat who has an overactive thyroid and who is hungry all. the. time! Who jumps into the bath for god knows what reason and who I found the other day asleep on top of the microwave!

And then there are the dogs. they're not allowed on the furniture or upstairs, but they will happily stand right behind me or lie right in the middle of doorways waiting for me to fall over them. They are guide dogs ffs (well one working, one retired) you would think they'd have some idea wouldn't you? bastards.

[Pilfette]

Cat has recently discovered that there is a window by the computer desk. Now declines to use the catflap and knocks ever so politely on the window with his claws. The cat and I disagree: I think he's the pet, he clearly thinks I'm the pet.

Am still looking longingly at Cats Protection website waiting for it to be kitten season so I can get a another one to boss me around

[TeggieCampbeggBlegg]

Nation of animal lovers.

My arse.

Although i am so cold, in bed after yet another night shift, i am considering the merits of maybe adopting a giant panda to snuggle and keep me warm.

[TeggieCampbeggBlegg]

Of course the many cats and at least one dog think they are going to share my bed.

So comences a new battle to keep them out without them waking me up umpteen-millionth times.

Bastards

[boris18]

Small children eating tea. One (who has never been to the house before) looks down at the floor.

"Ooh can I have this little sausage?" Bends down to pick it up.

Cue one traumatised child holding a beautifully dissected mouse intestine with sweet little kidneys and liver attached.....Never came back.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Just though of a redeeming feature.

Ridiculous dog will eat spiders in command. She can fast asleep, all I have to do is quietly say "get the spider please" and she's up - chomp - back to sleep, all within 5 seconds.

Sorry, that's not in the spirit of the thread is it.

[soontobeslendergirl]

Queue Christmas

Large amount of expensive Hobbit lego painstakingly built by engrossed children - formed into a large battle scene in Playroom.

Christmas night, children in bed......................................really really weird screaming noise.........

Shouts on OH and we investigate - cat has a Robin, yes a fucking Robin, the symbol from a lovely Christmas card - and is dragging it about the kitchen as it squeals in torment.

I grab cat, OH takes Robin outside to dispatch it as there is blood everywhere and Robin too injured to live.

I follow the blood trail.............

Head into the Playroom. Cat has used the battle scene to massacre aforementioned Robin - centre of the scene is covered in feathers and blood all over fucking new carpet

Queue hoovering (carefully trying to avoid sucking up Golum) and scrubbing at gone midnight.

Bastard Cat

[Cockadoodlequack]

Oh I'm so glad this is in classics where I can read it whenever the urge to get a pet strikes me.

Has any got a FuckingCockateil? My mum does, it was 'donated' to us as children by a neighbour who wild eyed and in broken english told my dad that his DD had problem with her ears and his wife was 'crazy' so the bird was ours now... This was about 19 years ago and the bastard is still alive.

SmallDog looks at FuckingImmortalCockateil. FIC squawks. SmallDog yaps. FIC squawks louder. SmallDog yaps louder. Squawk, yap, SQUAWK, YAP, fucking SQUAWK, BARK..... and so it goes on. Once the delicate balance of peace is restored, you know it's only a matter of time until someone dares to walk past the house, thus requiring SmallDog to yap... SQUAWK. Or SmallDog dares to walk past the bird cage...SQUAWK. Or, if peace has endured for too many mintutes in a row, the FuckingImmortalCockteil decides now is a good time to practice his limited repertoire of out of tune 'songs', taught to him nearly 20 years ago by the crazy wife of our neighbour.... YAP.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! BASTARDS!!!!!

[SadGiantPanda]

Although i am so cold, in bed after yet another night shift, i am considering the merits of maybe adopting a giant panda to snuggle and keep me warm.

No chance. Go and cuddle up to a cockroach, they are much more successful at that evolution malarky than poor pandas.

:(

[QuackQuackChicken]

Cat1 to all cats on the street: You're dead you are. I am the stuff of nightmares. I will haunt you in the alleys and in your homes, I will come into your houses and fight you. I will steal your food. I will sleep on your bed and hoodwink your owners who will rejoice in my gorgeousness. I will hoodwink them so good they will tell my owners how gorgeous I am and that they don't mind me coming in and eating your food and beating you up.

Cat1 to new black cat on the street: Oh, are you hungry? Why don't you eat some of our food? There's plenty spare. Cold? Just curl up on the comfy chair, not a problem. I'll just sit and watch you, check you're ok.

Cat1 to us: I HATE YOU!

Cat1 to all visitors/all people on the street: I am lovely. Aren't I lovely? Don't you want me? I am lovely. Mmmm.... lovely me.

Cat2 (who is part-dog): sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Ooooh DS bathtime.... HUG ME NOW!

[FeckOffCup]

I've just been to the pound shop and bought one of those water bottle squirters in case I find next door cat making itself at home again.

[QuackQuackChicken]

We've been trying that with intruder cat but it's just too quick! At the moment, we're picking up the bowls so there's nothing left lying around but it's tricky because we don't always remember and when we do remember, results in more moaning from cat1 and cat2!

[abbyfromoz]

'What's that in your mouth Mookie? Hey Mookie Mooks! Silly moo! You have some woo

[abbyfromoz]

Me- 11 years old
Aunts house
Picture the scene-
Beloved Mooks
tortured adored by all my cousins
In slinks Mookie
"What's that I see Mookie? Hey Mookie Moo? What's that in your mouth? A bit of wool..string maybe... Will just give it a tug... Don't worry mookie just getting the wool out of your- OH MY GOD IT'S A MOUSE!"
Queue screaming....

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Abby - I once went to pick up what I thought was the back end of a mouse - the tail was hanging down behind the radiator in the hall. I was a bit as to how the cats had actually managed to stuff a mouse's hindquarters up the radiator, but even so, it was a bit of a surprise when I touched the tail, and it moved!!

I went and sat on the dining table (in case it came after me, and could jump), and thought about what to do for a while, and then got the kitchen tongs and used them to extract the mouse, which I dumped into an empty waste paper basket. Then, in case the mouse could not only jump but was freakishly strong too, I put a tray on top of the bin, with a dictionary to weigh it down - and left it in the middle of the hall for dh to deal with when he came home!

[soontobeslendergirl]

For those with intruder cats....we have a catflap that operates with the cat's microchip - no intuders :) Lots of big cat faces pressed up at the door though - 'tis quite amusing as obviously they can't read and don't know what kind of flap it is :o

[QuackQuackChicken]

That's an exciting cat flap soontobe. DH has always resisted chipping them so far but you never know! Maybe this will be the catalyst