What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

Me (aged about 20 or 21) to my dad "You know, I've never really tasted non-vintage port"

Mum walked out of KFC once with her nose in the air after loudly and with aghast complaining about their lack of "silverware"

My thing described as "artisan" is poncey, I bought some "artisan" ham on the bone the other day, do you think the pig knew of its cachet?

My Dad's favourite, overheard in Sainsbury's:
"Peregrine, put the organic pomegranete down!" Peregrine was about 3.

I suppose reading a history book out loud to three-month-old DD was a leetle pretentious, but in my defence I was bored and reading aloud seemed to be the only thing that sent her to sleep. And "1917 - Year Of Uprising" is a lot more appealing to me than "Snuggle Up, Sleepy Bunnies".

I love this thread.

A year or so back my exbf attended a family event. He was a kind but pretentious soul and had always felt his regional accent was beneath him. So you can imagine the cringe factor when he saunters up with a carefully scripted opening gambit delivered in very plummy received pronunciation.

I looked like this >> and then on his behalf.

I live in a HA property. Does this mean I am not allowed to be even a teeny bit pretentious? Because I am afraid that ship has sailed .

Ex MIL who visited once, once mark you, for an overnight stay (I was married to her son for over 30 years) after she deigned to come down after her grandchildren had all left for school, picked up her personal cafetiere (sp?) and copy of the Daily Telegraph (pre-ordered from me the night before) and announced, "If you're wanting me, frantic, I'll be in the drawing room" Drawing room????!!!!! WTF

I used to work for a very wealthy lady who called pasta parrsta, she was actually lovely but she had a very stuck up niece who announced that going to nightclubs was common and that she only went to balls!

I love this thread.

Especially the poncey children.

My wanker ex used to work in 'estate management' (no really. It's shit). This means his job was fannying about in wellies on some posh bloke's estate, along with about forty other 'staff'. What I loved was they'd sort of talk as if it was their estate.

So his boss invited us out to dinner, and it was one of those 'bring the little woman' things. So I turned up with a bottle of plonk, as you do. His wife took it, raised her eyebrows, and declared 'will this want decanting, do you think?'

When we were eating I said brightly 'oh, this is lovely, what a nice way to do lamb'. Terrible silence descended (the hostess told me later in the kitchen 'it's not the done thing to comment on a meal' ). Eventually the host turned to me and said: 'And which hunt do you ride with?'

I am not kidding. This was in 2008, well after the hunt ban.

The thing was, they were playing all this landed-gentry bollocks, living in a cottage on the edge of the estate they were managing, and pratting around as if they were Lord and Lady Fancypants.

They still hunt even after the ban btw

I know they do. And I know it's legal to drag hunt. I just found it a stunningly wanky question to ask, as if I was obviously going to reply 'oh, yah, Lady Ffaffington-Smythe's hunt, dontcha know, over in Quorn'.

My friend's mother lived in a very pretty village and I went to stay with them just before Christmas one year. She was having a good old moan about the neighbours for putting a wreath on their front door. 'So terribly suburban.' My friend was and is perpetually embarrassed by her.

mamatj - Have I overlooked some subtle form of irony appropriate to this thread, or are you actually being serious?!

Pretentious thread here if anyone's bothered, including Pag's Tar-mar-slar-tar debacle.

My dcs take great delight in asking if they can get a book from the library - ffs its a bookcase in the living room

Standing outside reception class door waiting for ds1 to come out, another mum sidles up to me and asks if ds can go for a playdate as "we seemed to be the right social type"

Oh and I have had an uber posh mum come up and say "but you must know X - after all he owns his own estate too!" (we're farmers without 2 pennies to rub together )

Reminds me of a bloke who told me he 'used to drive around the estate when he was 15, but got proper lessons at 17 before he took his test'.

My first reaction was to say brightly "Oh, joyriding then?" before I realised he didn't mean that sort of estate.

I was a great Angela Brazil fan when I was a girl. During my first year at a poshish girls' grammar school I was desperate to fit in. When the prefect at the lunch table asked why I had been absent I replied," I was indisposed because of influenza thank you Susannah."
a) her name was Helen unlike the girl in the book I was reading
b) I had a bit of a cold

A very posh friends daughter (aged about 4) was telling me what her favourite food was

'I love bsketti,' she said.

'Ohh - on toast?' I asked (thinking she meant tinned spaghetti)

'No. With puttanesca sauce and a little parmesan'

I know someone one who calls her Ford Kuga a "Chelsea tractor" in all seriousness. We are quite far from Chelsea.

My Dad referred to the kitchen extension as the West Wing for years (firmly tongue in cheek though) - their house is a 3 bed semi d in suburbia.

He's the opposite of pretentious though - offers people Horse's Doovers (pronounced exactly like that) and Amusing Buckets (hors d'oeuvres and amuse bouchees) - we're dying for someone to 'correct' him and then to find out he's a retired chef taking the mick!

I'd sent out invitations to DS's 5th birthday party, and one school mum came up to me and apologised. She wouldn't be able to come herself, because they were picking up their yacht that day, but she would send her son with the maid.

To be fair, they're not at all pretentious, just rich and living the expat lifestyle.

I love that onthebottom. Mainly for the Bartlett implications.

My sis's sister-in-law took her DC back to stay with rather down-to-earth old fashioned relatives in Ireland. On being asked what he would like to drink, the DS asked if they had any pomegranate juice. It did not go down well.

My Dad, god love him, during lunch at Brown's:

Dad (v quietly to waiter): "Without gesticulating, could you indicate the direction of the loos please?"
Waiter (loudly, and pointing): "The loos are over there mate."

(Me - secretly delighted)

I still don't really understand what's so remarkable about a child eating olives,though how they can stomach them is beyond me.They're foul little things,olives,not children that is,but I'm probably too much of a pleb to comprehend it.