What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

My mil delights in embarrassing my oh by reminding him about his only major tantrum as a toddler - when their favourite restaurant had run out of oysters and he was forced to have mussels!

(To be fair, they are from oz where sea food is cheaper... But still)

We were in a hotel a few months ago, one of those places much beloved my mumsnetters so I hope I don't offend anyone on here.
There was a family with two young children who basically provided us with all the entertainment we needed. Much to the amusement of my DC one of their DC gave mum and dad the run around all the time. Mum and dad were really intense and every fucking thing they did became a battleground.

One particular morning 'Benji' didn't want to eat his cereal, preferring something else instead. As per usual mum said no and the kid cried. Dad arrived and gave the kid what he wanted to eat. Mum was furious, reminding dad 'we don't negotiate over croissant'. Ds2. (7) ds1 (12)' DP and I all pissed ourselves laughing. Benji became somewhat of a cult hero in our house

When I was a teenager I was friends with a girl whose parents were very academic.

One evening whilst at her house her father turned to her mother and said "Darling shall we close the curtains to conserve heat".

At university: 'well the fact of the matter is Yoni, my parents clearly cared more about my education than yours, that's why they paid £23,000 a year for my private education'.

Mind you, I got the last laugh 3 years later when they got a 2:2 and toff's parents had to watch lil' old state school girl pick up her first class honours at graduation ;)

oh and another one...quite long, but bear with me.

DH and I were eating a quiet dinner in a local pub which has a reputation for being 'posh' (someone from a truly 'naice' area would snort at the very idea of this place being considered anything special, but since we live out in the sticks and is the only place in a 15 mile radius that isn't a '2 carveries for £7' type place, and serves 2 (yes 2!) different kinds of sauvignon blanc, I guess it has the captive market for any passing rahs).

Anyway, a group of extremely loud women sat right behind us and started doing the 'shout-talk' (the kind that people do when what they have to say is SO INTERESTING that clearly they are doing us other plebs a favour by broadcasting it) making it very difficult for me and DH to have a conversation. Anyway, after a particularly deafening cacophony of cut-glass laughs, I automatically winced for a split second and unfortunately one of the party caught me.

'I think that couple over there are pretty snobby, don't you?' she piped up...which had DH biting his lip to stifle a laugh (it's sadly untrue, as it's hard to be snobby when you spend 90% of your life in your overdraft ) until suddenly he said 'is our car getting towed?!' and he ran outside.
Luckily our car wasn't getting towed, the tow truck was delivering a car...a brand new Mercedes convertible, being put in the space next to our Ford Fiesta. And who should run out but the rah queen herself who had clearly had her car delivered there to show off in front of her friends. As we walked back in she was walking out and said to her friends (loudly and knowingly for our benefit) 'Yes, it's beautiful isn't it! A bit better than a Fiesta don't you think haha?'

And we're the snobby ones?

It was a work of self restraint that we didn't key her precious new toy on our way out

At the recession took hold, in certain quarters, it became fashionable to forsake the skiing holiday and, instead, go for a country cottage. One parent, overheard in the playground, telling another, after returning from their cottage,

"And so I had to explain to Tarquin (aged 5) when we got to the cottage that some people really do live like that - just one bathroom. Can you imagine?"

Oh, and this one was tongue in cheek. When trying to smuggle a bottle of half drunk wine into a party in a hotel, as a student, a friend had it confiscated with the promise of return at the end of the party. When the bouncer asked his name, to put with the bottle he replied (and this still makes me laugh more than almost anything else) "Sainsbury. Viscount Sainsbury. The name's on the bottle."

On the tube heavily pregnant. Two public school girls sitting opposite me, dont realise I can hear them

"Gosh I would hate to be that pregnant, it is just advertising to the world that you have had sex"

my ex mil actually says...
'such fun'

shes never seen Miranda as tv is 'preposterous these days' & weekends are for wine or whiskey tasting.

Not sure if this counts, but just have to share. Gloucester Road tube station, overheard an American mother talking to her daughter:

"No dear, it's Lye-CHes-ter Square".

Years ago I had the misfortune of being befriended by a complete nutter at a mum and toddler group whom due to weakness on my behalf practically moved in. She has given us a few gems we still recall with fondness. 1) on collecting her ds from nursery where he had had a lot of help colouring in an elephant mask : 'oh he is so, so clever..he knows where an elephants trunk goes...' he was about 9 months. 2) on trying to seduce my husband..'but you don't understand.. I can cook you real curry.. not out of a jar like frecklyspeckly does!' mad, snobby twunt. Thankfully I hear she has fecked off to Australia a number of years back.

@exterminatePeppa Can't be all that pretentious if she was drinking Irish or American whiskey (as opposed to British whisky)

PedantMarina - Does what it says on the tin.

Not pretentious in itself but it made me double up at the time...

On a beach in Cornwall, in a hugely posh accent:

"You know I wished I'd brought the field glasses last year?"

"Yes"

"Well I wish I'd brought them again this year too."

I wept.

I'm reminded of a 5yo in Reception who was asked to name one of his heroes in class one day. He plumped for Archimedes.

His professor grandfather dined out on that for years.

From a 50+ academic to a nubile would-be student at interview : "what do you feel about art being a form of masturbation?"

In so many ways.......

DD once said "I like mange tout" at nursery during conversation about vegetables!

I was talking to a girl I used to work with, we were quite friendly at the time, about our in laws. I mentioned that my mil seemed quite intimidated when she saw my parents house (not particularly posh but very clean). My then-friend responded 'but your parents house is just a normal house! If they saw where my parents lived, they'd be approaching me on bended knee!' So grateful to her for that absolute gem.

Overheard in IKEA recently:

Sitting alongside us were a mum, dad and dd of about a year so. Mum says to dd

"Petal, would you like a nice cup of fennel tea or would you prefer lovely peppermint tea?"

I had to kick OH to stop him laughing, it didn't work he was still chuckling later the same day.

A colleague and I had to work on site at another firm for a few weeks. Colleague "A" and guy "B" from the other company were sussing each other out.

B: so where do you live then A?
A: ah, A town - not the centre mind (scoff scoff)
no, no on the very edge out to the countryside. In fact hardly A town at all. What about you B?
B: ah, A town - the centre.....

I have no idea how I kept a straight face. The three of us carried on talking as if that hadn't just happened!

I think I posted this one on a Loud Parenting thread but it does make me smile.
I was having a wander round Durham Cathedral and kept finding myself at the same points as a family with small (4/5 years old) children. The Loud Parenting was in full flow but I wanted to burst out laughing when the mother said, "come on darling, you know who that is. It's the Venerable Bede. THE VENERABLE BEDE!"
I don't know HOW I kept a straight face! I still remember exactly how she said it!

Uni friend referring to a village in the Cotswolds near to where she is from - 'oh you wouldn't want to live there, it's a very rough village.'
She was speaking to a group of people from Liverpool and didn't understand why they all fell about laughing.

Chatting with a new neighbour recently she said:- " you know LadyHH, it's just wonderful living next to someone so normal - my last neighbour was like a super model every time she left the house!" Mmmmmm I'm sure she thought there was a compliment in there somewhere!

This was my Mother, a few years ago.

I was asking her if she knew there was a credit crunch going on as she was being flippant about a bill or something I was talking about.

She said "Of COURSE darling! I haven't been to Waitrose for WEEKS."

< eye roll >

Overheard in small market town library in stockbroker belt, very posh and well upholstered lady to husband 'O Jeremy. I've got pudding in my fingernails!'

Perhaps the opposite of what the OP asked for but it made us laugh.

There is a chap who DH knew at school - they were actually good friends even in the first year of uni then they kind of drifted apart. In the 14 years I've been with DH I've met him 3 times, and he is the most money orientated tosser I think I've ever met.

Some gems:

• have you been to the States recently? (He "pops across the pond" every couple of months)
• oh, the tax man is a thieving bastard. I'm in the 40% tax band, are you?
• I have absolutely no DIY skills whatsoever. I can't even put a curtain rail up. But then of course I do pay through the nose to have these things done for me

He had dropped out of uni in Scarborough (!), worked in Pizza Hut when coming back to London, then mysteriously got a well paid job brought daddy's connections. The last time we saw him we had bought and were gutting/renovating our 3 bedroom house ourselves, whilst he was living in a 1 bedroom flat a few miles away. So he turns up, poor girlfriend in tow, to see the house. Cue us answering the door covered in plaster dust, paint stripper and builders caulk. He turns up in his porche (both our separate reactions - bloody hell where did you nick that from ) dressed in designer jeans and a pale Armani blazer. Not quite sure what he was expecting - he was visiting a building site!