What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

Honestly don't know if this really happened (may be an urban myth) and can't for the life of me remember where I heard/read it (might even have been on MN) but I remember a story of a social climbing parent whose child had got a scholarship to a rather posh fee paying school and, in an effort to start a conversation with a couple of "mummies" announced loudly that she and her husband were in the process of buying a new estate (she poled up every morning in some battered old hatchback apparently) and one of the "mummies" turned around and barked, "Oh really? Where?"

Ah. One of mine is on this thread
But fair enough! It was meant tongue in cheek but missed its mark and did make me look like a twat.

The artisanal slippers have made my day. I kind of want a basket of my own now, so I can offer them to visitors just to see the expressions on their faces.

I don't really have anything pretentious, but I was in my office one Saturday whilst all about me the ballet mums came and went with their precious tutu'd charges. Suddenly a loud posh child voice in the doorway said "Who's THAT, Mummy?", with the disdain that only a four-year-old girl in ballet things can muster.

Mummy's reply, after she looked to see who "that" was, was "Oh, nobody, darling."

Nice.

Which one Furishika?

My first ever trip to a mother and toddler group with DD1 was asked by a vair, vair posh mummy if we had, "an upstairs playroom or a downstairs playroom"? She actually turned out, on further acquaintance, to be rather sweet and lacking in self confidence. Her family had been hugely wealthy but had lost loads in the Lloyds of London crash as she and her father were both "names". She was like a fish out of water in the ordinary world, bless her!

I can't remember where I read this, but there is a family (I think it's a famous foodie's) where they've taught the toddler to do pretend wine appreciation. So friends come round, they open a bottle and give the toddler the cork to sniff, who then says things like 'Ooh, I'm getting top notes of gooseberry'.

Bloody genius, I can't wait to teach mine to do that.

Hostess of a brthday party we went to a couple of weeks ago..
"Tassimo anyone? Would anyone like a Tassimo?"
Coffee love. Just a coffee...

I'm not going to say, as I don't want to show her up as not having a sense of the absurd
(It's someone I don't see any more, we didn't really truly click, I'm sure I misunderstood her lots too.)

Brilliant thread.

DS1 the other day in Wagamama: "can I have a redbush? Oh well, mint tea then." Dunno why it makes me blush, he actually really likes both...

I am working class, if I have to assign a class to myself, and grew up in a very working class town where my parents still live. On a visit, we went to Asda to get some shopping and I asked DD, then 2.5, what she fancied for lunch. 'Tortellini' was the answer. Fine, I grab a packet at which point she wails 'No, Mummy NO! Ricotta tortellini!'

Obviously not pretentious at that age, but I had to smile as I put it in the basket that at her age, and a good few years older too I had never even heard of tortellini, let alone ricotta

"'People Are Increasingly Moving Away From NO THEY'RE NOT" ahahahaha.

When I was a child I once requested "After swimming, daddy, perhaps we could have some snacks at the bar?"

My friend's horrible social climbing mother discussing me and my dh with her equally horrible friend. `well of course they aren't PLU'
And what are PLUs? People like us

On DD's first day of nursery school, she was a little hesitant about going in without me. I told her I'd just go to tesco and come back to pick her up. The nursery nurse said to her, "Mummy will buy you some lovely fruit there," and she said, "Ooh Mummy, will you buy me some smoked salmon?" I was very embarrassed, we live in a very down to earth place, not posh at all! She'd only tried smoked salmon once or twice over Christmas, and absolutely loved it!

Oh and I should add that she pronounced PLU like poo but with an L.

Er... I don't get the playroom one.

This thread is hilarious.

I have a friend whose DP is very wealthy. A group of us were discussing my current pregnancy the other night, when one friend asked me if I'd considered one of the 3D scans. I said, "yeah they look amazing, but they're really expensive and not medically necessary..." at which point rich DP chimes in with "...and you're too tight, hahaha..." I just smiled and said, "no, just skint, actually. We can't afford it."

He's a nice enough bloke, but totally clueless about reality.

DS, about 6 at the time, had been learning about FairTrade in school and was charged with remembering the hot chocolate when we were in Tesco (he is a bit of a hot choc diva)
While I picked up the tea and coffee he took himself to the correct area, thoroughly scrutinised the shelves before asking in a vexed voice "I don't know Mummy, which do you think was more ethically sourced, the Green & Blacks or the Clipper?"
A small part of me withered and died on the spot :o

My sister in a slightly hysterical weepy voice "not only am I but I'm also the managing director of

Yes love aren't we all, but without the six figure salary to go with it.

"I got water on my Uggs, it was the worst day of my life"

OMG 3b1g that's my son that is!! He's Aspergers too!

ooooh I've thought of another one.

Dsis (about 5 at the time) asked me if I wanted a drink, I told her I might just get some water her response was
"We have sparkling water her too"

AND

"Mummy, Daddy and I are going to play on the lawn"

Aww, love yours TopBanana!

Just remembered another one. My grandfather was head waiter at The Savoy and one of the perks of his job was to bring home lots of left over food and stuff they couldn't use any more. He often came home with huge sides of smoked salmon and give tons to us so I regularly went to school with smoked salmon sandwiches in my packed lunch, like three or four times a week. People must have thought us ridiculously showy.

It was many years before I realised it was quite expensive. Actually I was a student at uni and living on scraps when I realised it's not usual to eat smoked salmon four times a week. I was roundly mocked by all my mates for being so ungrounded (by then we were pretty well off and I was singled out as the spoilt southerner)

A relative I daren't name: 'No no noooooo get away from those hotdogs! Mummy's just opened you a fresh little tub of pureed avocado...'

When I was a teenager I babysat for the daughter of a very posh family in our village. She was about 10 years old, and when I said it was bedtime she replied 'you can't tell me what to do. You're just a servant'!

My DS in a supermarket cafe - "are we having bread and balsamic here?"